Hailstorm grinned. “We might just survive this then! If we can hold out for five more days, it will be some time before the next event. We might even find an opportunity to escape before then.”
Shadow turned away so his friend couldn’t see the downcast expression on his face. “Yeah. Maybe we will.”
“I’m sure of it. Besides, it's not like we get much good news right now. Might as well celebrate what we can, right?” Hailstorm grinned and patted Shadow excitedly on the back. Then he walked over to the others and shared the good news.
While they encouraged and cheered each other up, Shadow felt Bellum’s presence over his shoulder as he whispered in his ear.
Look at them. So happy, even in a place like this. You can preserve that happiness and set them free. All it will cost is one human life. Are these pathetic creatures really worth your friends’ happiness? Their very lives? No. They are not. You do not have a choice, my student. The champion must die.
Shadow started to consider it but Bellum interrupted his thoughts before he could begin weighing his options.
Forget about that for now. You don't need to think too hard on it. Focus on saving that Flame Wing. Obey my instructions and help her. You only have five days left after all. I will leave you to it. There is much for me to prepare before our time is up.
Shadow found himself agreeing as Bellum’s presence faded. He looked over at Ash. She was still curled up in her corner rocking back and forth. There was no outward sign that she was aware of what was going on around her at all.
Shadow moved over to her side while the others talked and planned how to keep anyone else from being taken to the arena. Sitting next to her, he gently placed a talon on her shoulder and tried to steady her with his tail.
I am here for you, he thought as he entered her mind once more.
At first she put up her walls again, but Shadow moved slowly and kept his empathy for her strong. It didn’t take long before she let him be with her in the pain. He continued comforting her and eventually she was able to relax a little in his presence.
Will you… will you let me help you now? Shadow asked cautiously.
No. Please. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to trust again. What if they hurt me? What if they use me? What if they take everything away from me? What if… Ash’s breathing became more erratic and her body shook as her eyes darted around.
Shadow squeezed her shoulder and held her close. Don’t worry, I’m here. I’m here for you. Don’t worry. I’ll help you.
Shadow thought for a moment about what to say. She was thinking about everything that might go wrong. He needed her to remember why she had fought so hard. Why she joined the Wings of Protection. Who was she fighting for?
Shadow searched around, trying to be as gentle and un-intrusive as possible. He remembered the first time he had met Ash, it seemed so long ago now, there had been a brief moment where he saw a pair of young dragonets in her mind. There were memories in a variety of forms floating around. Some were in the shape of torn paintings or images captured in shattered mirrors. He looked through these for any containing those same faces.
As he looked into them, Shadow saw flashes of Ash’s younger siblings, their smiling faces brightening whenever she came home. He also felt her rage like a fiery volcano when she found they had been forced to work in the lava pits by the nobles just to keep themselves from starving. It must have been her love for them that pushed her forward during the hard times.
Closing his eyes, Shadow drew upon one of his own memories. A moment when Jarid had been a true older brother. If she could just remember that bond, perhaps she would find the strength within herself to move forward again. He knew it was risky to show her one of his own memories, but Bellum had promised she would forget everything once she was feeling better, and he trusted his master.
Trying to make it seem like a dream, Shadow drew Ash into his memory.
He was hardly more than a hatchling the first time he had ventured outside the valley. Jarid had always provided him with enough food but he wanted to prove to his older brother that he could handle himself.
Shadow nervously peeked around a tree and wriggled under a bush. Then he spotted it. A white hare nibbling on some berries. He crouched down and slid forward on his belly, wings flattened against his sides. Every time the hare moved he froze until it relaxed again. Then the moment finally came and he pounced!
The hare leapt far out of his reach in an instant and bounded a few meters away before pausing to look back at him mockingly. Shadow felt disappointment wash over him but it only lasted for a moment. Terror took its place as the hare was snapped up by a large and fearsome looking wolf. It was covered in scars and had one of its forelegs bitten off but its teeth were sharp and its eyes had the look of a starving predator.
Cowering in fear before the wolf nearly twice his size, Shadow scanned the area with all his senses looking for signs of other wolves. Luckily, the wolf seemed to be alone, though that was a small comfort, given that it could easily tear his small body into shreds by itself.
The wolf snarled as it approached and Shadow cried out as his legs gave way beneath him. All he could do was tremble before the terrifying predator. Then, with a final growl, it crouched to pounce.
“Hey!”
The wolf paused as the voice of a young boy echoed through the forest.
Jarid burst in with a large stick in his hand yelling and waving his arms. The wolf took a step back before turning and running off with the hare in its jaws. Jarid stood between Shadow and the wolf, trembling with fear, until he was sure it was gone. Then he turned to Shadow, dropping the stick and lifting him into his arms.
“Be careful little brother. If you want to go hunting, let me go with you next time, ok?” he said with a relieved grin.
Shadow let the love he felt in that moment fill Ash’s mentalscape. Your family needs you Ash. You have the fire within you to protect them, just as my brother protected me. Please, let me help you, he whispered.
Ash’s body stopped rocking. She was still trembling and stared straight ahead but it was the first visible sign that something had gotten through to her.
In the deep reaches of her mind she replied. Her answer was still more feeling than words, but Shadow knew what she was trying to say.
M-maybe I can… try.
Her answer made Shadow want to jump with joy, but he controlled himself. Alright. Let’s start it slow. Reconnect with those who care about you. Your family is one, but who else?
In the mental plane Ash shakily lifted her talon and some objects in the darkness began giving off a slight glow. Shadow could feel her faint connection to them growing slightly stronger.
Shadow stood behind her and took her talon in his, strengthening the connection as Bellum had instructed. The pieces looked like shattered pillars and broken braziers. He looked around the shadowy landscape and found places where some of the pieces fit like a puzzle. From there he guided her talon to bring the shattered pieces back together.
As they slowly pieced together this small part of Ash’s mind, memories, emotions and fears were loosened. Ash began to tremble, harder than before, and Shadow comforted her with words of encouragement. He wasn’t sure how far he should push her but they were making progress.
After a while, Shadow was helping her piece together a memory of someone she connected with. They had cared for her and so she was drawn to this memory, but the mental image was too broken for Shadow to realize what else it was about until everything clicked into place. The structure representing the memory had the appearance of cold iron bars. It was a memory of her time in this prison cell.
The moment it was unlocked, Ash was flooded with fear and panic. Dragons being tortured, starved and beaten. Blood, dust and misery. But at the same time there was a bright spot. A vibrant flash of blue scales that warmed the cold and muted the misery. Before Shadow could tell what it was he was washed out of Ash’s mind in a whirlpool of emotions.
When Shadow came back to himself he saw Ash rocking back and forth far more violently than she had before. Tears streamed down her snout as she cried and groaned in anguish.
Shadow stepped back. I thought we were making progress. Did I push her too far? Why didn’t I stop earlier? Why didn’t I realize it was that memory? I should have-
His thoughts stopped sharply as Surge pounced on him from across the cell. “What did you do?!” she roared. “It took weeks for her to stabilize after she was manipulated by that monster! She hasn’t been able to speak and I’ve had to practically force her to eat. She is a member of the Wings of Protection and by the White Dragon if you somehow made it worse, I swear I’ll…”
Surge trailed off as Ash’s talon brushed her shoulder. She was still trembling and her eyes had a far-off look but she had reached out one talon far enough to touch Surge in what seemed to be a purposeful movement of her own accord.
Surge immediately let go of Shadow and knelt so her head was on the same level as Ash’s. “Ash? It’s Surge. I’m here,” she said, taking Ash’s extended talon and placing it on her cheek.
“S-S… S-Surge?” Ash whispered, her eyes still staring off into the distance, not quite seeing her. Surge’s eyes teared up as she embraced Ash as best she could with their wings still pinned behind them.
Shadow knew that Ash wasn’t fully back yet but the embers of hope had become a steady flame in his heart. He was doing it. He was finally using his powers for good.
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139,415 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Hello again! Not sure how much more reviewing I'll get in today, but I have it in me to do at least one more chapter, so let's go! Again, comments as I read, then overall thoughts.
I'm not sure "good news" and "celebrated" is the right mood here? Hailstorm might have some hope thanks to the five day time window and being confident the prophecy will help them survive, but it seems a bit early for any of them to feel up for celebrating. I think the mood should be more "cautiously optimistic" than "yeah, time to party."
Oh, this is interesting. Before, I was reading helping Ash as something Shadow wanted to do, but now it's reading like something Bellum wants. Again, I find myself wondering if this is his way of keeping Shadow distracted from figuring out what's really going on with this tournament.
Again, I'm not sure it makes sense for Ash to realize Shadow is in her mind attempting to help her. Unless...and this might not work but it's an idea...he instead persuades her to let him in through spoken dialogue? Like "I know you can't talk about this but if I go into your mind, I can help you." This would be risky since it would reveal he has powers, but it would explain her knowing he has these powers when she shouldn't know otherwise.
Okay, this is going to sound like a nitpick, but I promise it's not. I bolded "had seen" above because that reads like he already knew this information. Which is strange because we spent the whole last chapter saying her mind was completely closed off to him, so he shouldn't have been able to see it. Does he already know this, or is this brand new information? If this is new information, I might write it like "Finally, Shadow broke through Ash's mind and saw...younger dragonets? Were these her siblings? With the love she felt overwhelming him, Shadow assumed so. Why were they so thin and dirty? He heard the voice of the overlord telling them to get back to work in the lava pits..."
Or is this a situation where he knew some of the facts, but is actually seeing it for the first time? In that case, I might write something like "He'd known that Ash's younger siblings had to work in the lava pits, but seeing their skeletal ash-covered, lava-scarred bodies through her eyes felt so much more real than any story." That's...not perfect, by any means, but I think describing more sensory details will make it feel more like we're in her memories than the recitation of basic facts we have now.
This feels a bit like head-hopping. Everything up until this point has been Shadow's POV, but suddenly we're describing how Ash is experiencing this. I haven't noticed this in previous chapters, and I don't think we're going for a real POV shift here, so I might rephrase this as "Shadow drew Ash into his memory. If he did this right, it would feel like only a dream to her."
I'm suggesting cutting that first part because it's some weirdly intellectual thinking in what is otherwise a very visceral and sensory scene, as is the epithet "year-old dragonet." Shadow should be too terrified to think about how the wolf feels about his pack, though he should perhaps wonder if there are are other wolves around. "Cowering in fear before the wolf twice his size, Shadow glanced around nervously, looking for signs of other wolves. Luckily, the wolf seemed to be alone, though that was a small comfort, given that it could easily tear his small body into shreds by itself."
Now this is more of the "actually seeing Ash's memories" sort of description I was looking for earlier in the bit about her siblings. Memories should feel weird and hazy and jumbled, not factual and logical. Something to think about as we have Shadow walking through people's minds.
Well, this is interesting. It seems like Bellum's mind manipulation is at work here, making Shadow think he did something good by bringing out this dark memory (as a reader, I'm pretty sure this isn't good, but I'm not totally sure.) Is Bellum the monster Surge is referring to? Is he the creature with the bright blue scales in Ash's memories? Or is it another dragon we've met already? Lots of questions in my mind here.
Overall, there's a lot of great emotions here, and Shadow trying to help Ash in a way that is unclear whether it will actually help her in the long run or make things worse. Keep writing!
I missed this review when I replied the other day. I'll respond now with my thoughts.
I get that the mind scenes are a bit confusing. I'll say what I was going for, although I did also make some changes based on your comments that will hopefully get the idea across better.
I am thinking I'll have to go back and readjust how much of the conversation between Ash and Shadow is said. Because he is supposed to be speaking directly to her unconscious mind. (her conscious mind is too broken to form coherent thoughts at the moment) But it is able to sense and repel foreign influences. Kind of like a sixth sense we sometimes get. So Shadow is speaking to her Ego in a sense. Her representation of self. This may need to be better explained in the book though.
I changed a lot of Shadow's memory based on your advice. You can look if you want.
In my opinion, I don't agree that memories should feel weird hazy and jumbled. Perhaps not fully logical, like a some kind of impossible geometry, but our memories are actually very well structured in the brain. So I want to represent that by them having a purposeful and meaningful structure to them even if the rules of the memory plane are more malleable than the physical world.
Also, I thought the Blue Scales in Ash's memory of the prison would be an obvious nod to Surge since she has blue scales, but perhaps you didn't know her scale color or weren't thinking of it when you read the text.
A real strength of this chapter is how well Bellum's manipulation is executed. The internal voice in Shadow's head is genuinely insidious, especially as it's framed as reasonable. For example,
This part is a brilliant way to show manipulation working in real time rather than simply telling us Shadow is being manipulated. This is the best thing about the chapter for me, as it's something that is often really hard to get right!
I love the Jarid flashback, showing this sibling dynamic in a warm way without being too saccharine.
The mental puzzle pieces of Ash's mind, like the broken pillars, is a strong visual metaphor for dissociation and trauma, which stays consistent throughout. This has a good payoff when the iron-bar structure turns out to represent her memory of her time in the cell.
Sometimes, the prose tells us the emotional temperature right after showing it to us, which can weaken the effect. An example is here (in my opinion)
You should trust the dialogue and body language already on the page!
A really enjoyable chapter once again <3
Thank you for your insightful comments.
Thank you for the example when pointing out this flaw. I do try to 'show not tell' but sometimes I overshare when I worry my point might not get across to some.
I wonder if the champion is Jarid XD
Just a thought. We know that Jarid’s group wanted to win their own tournament so desperately for their chance to come here. Sooo…
Ohh I like how he relates to Ash by giving her one of his memories!
And one that she will immediately understand too :3 Aww~
Ohhhh and I like how you show the literal rebuilding of her mind! Aww! That is such a cool visual!
I don’t like how vague this phrasing is: “ a memory of someone she connected with“ I know you want to keep it vague bc of the prison reveal but this reads more as frustrating than nerve-wracking, the way you phrased it. Also… is it that Shadow suspected a memory of SOMEONE but in reality it was someTHING? Or is it that the SOMEONE Ash met in prison?
Ah ok the later… Hmmm I think you might want to rephrase this entire paragraph to make the narration match its content?
I like this phrasing: “he was washed out of Ash’s mind in a whirlpool of emotions.“
Oh Shadow, you poor child. Sometimes, recovery hurts more than the misery that came before, because you felt stable. But there’s a reason why we broke in the first place and putting the shards back together is just another reminder. It doesn’t mean it’s not working, child, it means you need more time.
^^^
I just really like how you portray that, and that sometimes recovery feels like taking one step forward and 2 steps back…
I feel this sentence is particularly egregious in its passivity: “His thoughts were interrupted as” Idk this calls for more action, right? So the narration should reflect that with active sentences!
Same goes for Surges speech. Why not say “after that monster manipulated her”? 😊
Tho I do feel like the progress Ash made here is... a bit quick. But maybe Shadow is just that intuitive and powerful. So no wonder that Bellum is so interested in him!
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Thanks for your insightful comments!
I tried to correct some things and was encouraged by your compliments. As for your comment that Ash's recover is a bit quick... I wish I had more time to spend on it. I'm trying to keep all the 'Wing's of this book a similar length and there's a lot left to happen before the end. I may go back and shorten other areas so I can lengthen important ones later. But I'll do that once I have the full picture written out.