Shadow trembled at the window of his cell. The small flame of hope in his heart was back but it flickered tentatively as he waited for Bellum’s next words.
To earn back the trust you lost, you must become my student. It has become painfully obvious to me that you are in grave need of a teacher and who better than I to do it? You will call me master and obey me during lessons as long as you remain under my tutelage. I do hope you will accept.
Shadow nodded anxiously as he looked out into the arena as Aurora barely avoided one of the gladiator’s spears. Ok, ok, just please save Aurora!
You young dragonets. Always so impatient, Bellum huffed. Here, let me pause this fiasco so we can have a proper chat.
Shadow heard a sound like Bellum snapping his fingers and watched as all the gladiators suddenly seemed to lose interest in their dragon quarry, milling about aimlessly. Aurora herself seemed dazed as she stared off into the distance, unmoving. The crowd booed and roared as the fighting stopped but the announcer and guards around the arena seemed unfazed. It was as if they saw nothing out of the ordinary going on.
Shadow’s mouth fell open in awe as the once terrifying gladiators wandered around like lost children. What did you do? he wondered. Bellum chuckled in his head.
I used a mere fraction of my power, young learner. I suppressed their conscious thoughts so they don’t kill each other while we have a chat. I could, of course, have the gladiators kill themselves but the humans would simply send out more gladiators to finish the job. No. They will only allow her to return from the arena alive if she wins. Your friend will have to slit their throats herself.
Shadow balked in horror. Aurora would never do that!
But she must. That is the only way she will be able to leave the arena alive. However, I do agree with you that she would not do it on her own. She needs a little nudge in the right direction. Luckily you have just the right power for the job.
Shadow felt his mind grow strangely foggy as he considered Bellum's words. You want me to use mind control on my best friend? But that’s wrong, isn’t it?
He had always felt that using his power on others was wrong but Jarid had never said it was a bad thing. In fact, he had often comforted him, saying that there must be a way to use his powers for good.
Bellum’s voice took on a comforting tone. This power of ours can be used to help your friends. They might not always know what is best for them, but they will thank you later. I am sure Aurora will realize that this was the only way. She may even thank you for doing it so she didn't have to. It isn't her fault after all.
As he spoke, a wave of assurance washed over Shadow’s mind, drowning his doubts and instilling confidence that this was what he had to do.
Alright. I’ll try.
Shadow looked at Aurora and felt his body hesitate even as his mind confidently asserted that this was the right thing to do. With a deep breath he reached out for Aurora’s mind.
He heard no thoughts and could feel Bellum’s presence suppressing her consciousness. Her mind was blank and placid. He reached out towards the threads connecting her mind and body, but as he did something nagged at the back of his mind. Something felt off. Was this truly the right thing to do?
As he hesitated, the memory of the Night Wing who's mind was destroyed to learn this technique flared up. The moment he touched the connection between Aurora's mind and body a cold shiver ran from his horn to his tail. He couldn't force her to do this. How could he treat her like that? It felt like someone had splashed cold water on his face as the fog in his mind dissipated and all his doubts came rushing back. He quickly removed himself from her mind, his breathing coming in panicked gasps.
So you couldn’t do it even after I made her so compliant, Bellum sighed, disappointed. I suppose that dark memory won't do as a punishment for a student. We can deal with that soon, but for now I'll show you how it's done.
Wait. We shouldn’t do this. It’s wrong. Shadow was sure of it now. In fact, he couldn’t understand why he had felt so confident that it was the right thing to do before. Jarid had taught him to control his powers so he wouldn’t fear them, not so he could manipulate others.
It is all for the greater good, Bellum spoke in the same comforting tone as before, but Shadow shook him off.
It’s wrong!
But it is the only way.
Maybe if I just talk to her…
You can’t, foolish dragonet, Bellum growled. You don’t know how to project your words into another mind yet, and even if you could, she would tell everyone about your powers. You can’t let that happen.
“There has to be some other way,” Shadow whimpered quietly as he clutched the bars.
Bellum’s resigned sigh echoed in Shadow’s consciousness. Very well. I won't force you, but you had better decide quickly. My ability to suppress their consciousness just ran out.
Shadow looked out into the arena in a panic. The gladiators were shaking their heads as if waking from a stupor. Aurora also woke from her daze with a jolt.
What was I just doing? Ah! The humans with metal sticks! I need to find some way out of here!
Aurora bolted to the side of the arena but the soldiers stationed there lowered their spears and she had to turn to avoid being skewered. She continued running around the edge but found no gaps and the arena wall was too high to jump to without her wings.
As she came back into view, one of the gladiators threw his net and tangled her up in it. Aurora fell to the ground hard and slid a good distance. As she struggled to untangle herself from the first net, a second was thrown around her. A third net entangled her hind legs so that only her tail was left whipping around in panic.
“No! Please stop. Stay away. I didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t hurt me!” Aurora cried, tears running down her snout.
Shadow’s heart felt like it was being compressed. He could feel Bellum waiting for his decision but he just couldn’t choose. His mind raced back and forth between saving Aurora and making her kill the gladiators. It seemed like an obvious choice, but now that he had seen into Marcus’ mind he just couldn’t do it. It felt like he was tearing himself apart as the gladiators drew ever closer to Aurora.
In the end, Shadow’s mind froze. His body froze, every limb screaming for him to do something but unable to do anything. I can’t… I can’t…. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t… Somebody please help her! Shadow’s voice screamed inside his own head.
Bellum smiled in the corner of Shadow’s mind, awaiting the moment when Shadow would rely on him, but just as the gladiators raised their spears, a loud voice rang out over the arena.
“Ha, ha! Sorry, you bloodthirsty scoundrels. But I’m afraid I must interfere!"
A man wearing golden leggings and a well crafted golden helmet jumped onto the wall just behind where Aurora lay helpless. Every eye turned to him as he took out a staff sporting a golden dragon head at each end and spun it over his head. Then he flipped down into the arena and landed on one knee between Aurora and the gladiators.
The crowd gasped and went silent while the gladiators shuffled awkwardly, unsure what to do next.
The man stood to his feet and pointed his staff and the nearest gladiator. “Don’t you think 19 on one is a little unfair? I didn’t know the great gladiators of the capital proved their strength by fighting little girls. This dragon is hardly older than your children. This is no fight, this is an execution.”
“And who are you to say this to us?” the announcer’s voice boomed. The crowd started muttering in agreement but paused in anticipation as the man slammed his staff into the ground and raised his arms.
“I am the friend to all dragons and defender of the weak. An honorable warrior of great strength and skill. In the body of a human with the soul of a dragon, I am…”
Everyone leaned forward as the man took a deep breath.
“C.B!”
There was a stunned silence for a few moments before laughter started breaking out all over the arena. “What kind of name is that?” they mocked, but the man seemed unshaken and readied his staff.
Shadow noticed a guard run up to the announcer and whisper something in his ear. The announcer raised his hand for silence then spoke.
“This intruder has brazenly declared that he will defend the dragon, Delphinium. Very well. Let him entertain us a while longer then. If he manages to defeat our gladiators we shall spare the beast, but his blood shall be shed in its place. You may begin!”
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hello!
I really like the manipulation here. Bellum makes becoming his student sound like a punishment Shadow has earned rather than something Bellum wants, which immediately puts Shadow in a weaker position. The only thing I’d question is what trust Shadow has lost. It may be obvious from a previous chapter, but within this section Bellum seems to be the one who has behaved untrustworthily, so I am unsure.
Great characterisation! This is a strong sentence because Bellum delivers something horrible in such a calm way. It shows very clearly how different his morality is from Shadow’s.
I’m less convinced by the logic behind it, though. Bellum says that making the gladiators kill themselves would only cause the humans to send out more gladiators, but surely Aurora killing nineteen helpless people would have the same result. The humans would probably send more people after her either way, and they might become even more determined to kill her after seeing what she had done.
I’m not sure what "won’t do as a punishment" means. Is Bellum saying he intends to remove the memory, change it or punish Shadow until he stops reacting to it? The wording made me pause at a moment which should feel cohesive.
I also expected Bellum to take control of Aurora after saying he would show Shadow how it was done, but Shadow argues with him and then Bellum suddenly agrees not to force him. That makes Bellum feel oddly accommodating after all the manipulation right before. I don't know if that's just their relationship or some oversight in the scene.
The comma makes Delphinium sound like the name of the dragon, but Aurora is the dragon. Is Delphinium the name of the arena, the city or the person being addressed? This needs rewording because I wasn’t sure what the announcer meant. The announcer also claims that C.B. has "declared" he’ll defend Aurora when the guard appears to be the one telling him something. I wondered whether the guard recognises C.B. or knows something important about him.
***
Overall, this is an engaging chapter! I especially like that Bellum and how he doesn’t demand obedience through obvious threats, much like many villains. He manipulates Shadow’s confidence, presents mind control as an act of kindness and then allows the danger to resume so Shadow will feel responsible. The moment where he waits in the corner of Shadow’s mind for Shadow to rely on him sums up their relationship very nicely. I think this chapter has a strong central conflict for Shadow, as well.
I think the rules of his power need to be clearer, though. He can freeze the minds of a large group, hide the interruption from everyone else and influence Shadow’s emotions, but then the effect conveniently expires. Some indication of what Bellum can and cannot do would make the conflict feel less controlled by whatever the scene currently requires. It would also help me understand why he needs Shadow as a student when he already appears vastly more powerful than him.
Shadow’s refusal is a good moment for his character, particularly because his body hesitates before his magically influenced thoughts catch up. The damaged NightWing memory breaks Bellum’s control and reminds him why Jarid taught him in the first place, which was cool. I’d develop that memory a little more because it seems to be the centre of his decision. At present, I am told that it was terrible, but I don’t get enough detail to fully feel why it overwhelms Bellum’s influence.
Also, I am a bit confused by the telepathic dialogue, and I think its formatting could be changed. Making all mental speech visually distinct would probably improve the chapter immediately because there are three different kinds of internal communication happening: Shadow’s own thoughts, Bellum speaking to him and Aurora’s thoughts. It's hard for me to understand which is happening, especially as it is a driving force this chapter.
That's all I have for now though! Cheers!
Lipton
Thanks so much for all your comments!
A lot of the things you mentioned were awkward because of lacking context from previous chapters. The 'dark memory' that Shadow was punished with is from a previous chapter where Shadow delved too deeply into Bellum's secrets when learning the mind control technique from him. More of a natural consequence that Bellum left there as punishment (and to keep him from getting too powerful to quickly).
By the way, the reason Bellum's power over Shadow can seem a bit off is because Shadow himself doesn't know how powerful he is, and Bellum wants to keep it that way. Thus the reason he avoids pushing Shadow too far.
Delphinium is the human name for Aurora. If you haven't read my story up until now, Shadow is one of only three people that can understand both human and dragon (which are translated for us the reader. You can assume humans speak human and dragons speak dragon unless otherwise stated). So the humans think Aurora is just an animal and give her the 'stage name' Delphinium.
As for the Telepathic thoughts, I tried to italicize when they are thinking things but I do most of my writing on docs then move it here which sometimes messes with the formatting.
Thanks again for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!
It’s been a while but Shadow’s Story has finally come up in my list of the Green Room 😊
At least this will minimize the trauma on Aurora, by having her believe it was her choice and not her own body working against her.Let’s see what Shadow has to do to regain Bellum’s trust :3
Oki we have a pretty optimistic chapter title already!
Hmmm I feel like after such a massive cliffhanger, the reveal to be just “tasks to complete” is a bit underwhelming. He could have phrased it differently to sound more sinister than it actually is XD
Ohaaa, Bellum is so powerful he can control this many minds at once? Where is he right now? From what distance? How much energy does it take and how long until Shadow can even do a fraction of that??
Also I think this will definitely be noticed by the organisers of this event. What are they thinking about it? Will they look for a telepathy magician in their midst or are they aware that this is a dragon power? If the latter, Shadow’s secret might get out v quickly! I also start to wonder if Jarid and the others are in the city atm? Bc he should recognize Aurora, right?
Ohhh I love this impossible task Bellum set up: Save Aurora by traumatizing her via taking control of her AND traumatizing yourself in the process too. Two birds and the one stone, amiright? =D
That said, Shadow’s question of “But that’s wrong isn’t it” is super weird. Like, from a writing perspective. Why have him say that Mr Knight? That sentence pulled me right out of the scene.
Ah that is even better
I wish we got a bit of a deeper explanation on what this feels like for Shadow here: A bit more lingering on her mind, a bit more on what this is truly like for him, maybe him already reaching for something and seeing how breakable this is. As it is, I feel this realization happens too abruptly, the buildup is not enough for me.
Hmmm I wonder why Bellum is so adamant of keeping Shadow’s power secret even if it is to gain consent from Aurora…
I like how this scene feels as if there’s a real possibility that Aurora might die as a terrible, gruesome lesson for Shadow. But then I remembered the chapter title. Wonder if Jarid finally manages to show up or if he once again shines with absence…
Okay from the words he speaks alone I’m pretty sure the golden guy is not Jarid =D
Interesting choice. I do wonder who that person is. And if he might have something to do with the backstory that Jarid heard a few books ago…
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I love all your comments here! I'll try to reply to as many of them as I can.
I do admit that 'tasks to complete' is a bit underwhelming. I'm probably going to go back and redo things so that Shadow only has one instance of owing Bellum favors.
I love that you mentioned being curious about the limits of Bellum's power. I wanted it to almost seem like he had no limits (spoilers as to whether that's the case or not). I will probably go back to add that the organizers and knights around the arena seemed to see nothing wrong (because of Bellum as well)
btw Jarid has never met Aurora before, though Airel has. I may have it be revealed later that she recognized Aurora and told Jarid though. This would be another reason why they stuck around the arena for later on. No spoilers though
As for when Shadow said "But that's wrong, isn't it?" I wanted to give the impression that Shadow knew it was wrong but ended up being influenced by Bellum into not realizing that fact until the memory of the Night Wing's mind snapping broke him out of the influence.
Perhaps I should make that clearer though.
I might increase the buildup before Shadow snaps out of it like you mentioned but I'll need to shift a few things so the chapter doesn't get too long.
Thanks for the reply :3
I ...forgot about the part that Jarid didn't meet Aurora @.@
As for the "But that's wrong"... I just feel like it sounds weird and might not come at the correct time...