Shadow could feel himself being pushed to the edge of Ash’s mind by the blizzard of fear and pain. He tried to protect himself at first but the more he did so the less connected he was to her mind. This wasn’t working. Part of him considered listening to Bellum’s advice but simply knowing how much pain Ash was in hurt him.
Shadow slowly lowered his mental barrier and connected to her more deeply. He could feel the wind biting into him with freezing teeth and pushing him away with a force like a hurricane, but he wasn’t about to give up.
Like before, Shadow filled himself with thoughts of hope and safety, then let that warm energy emanate from his mental self. It became both a shield against the storm and a way to encourage Ash.
Perhaps if I can help her feel safe, she will let me in, he thought to himself. Ash! Please let me in. I want to help you!
The storm roared and buffeted him but Shadow continued slowly moving forward. One step at a time. He spoke all the encouraging words he could think of as he slowly drew closer.
I will help you, Ash! You are strong. You are a good dragon. You care for the oppressed and downtrodden. You have a fire in you that burns when you see injustice. You are loved by many. You will be able to trust again.
The winds roared again and pushed Shadow back. Carried on the wind was Ash’s fearful reply.
They will hurt me too. All eventually betray to survive. The weak can do nothing in the face of the powerful. We should just die to spare ourselves the suffering. What good is fighting injustice if there is no hope of winning? I’m just not strong enough, she whimpered.
No! Shadow shouted, realizing his thoughts were getting through to her. You have helped do so much good. The world needs dragons like you to encourage them. The things you do may seem insignificant but they build upon each other and multiply when you work with others. You are a part of the Wings of Protection!
And what a corrupt and useless organization they are, Ash thought bitterly.
Shadow was about to cite how they had brought together the dragonets of prophecy when he heard the clanking metal of guards rushing down the hall from his cell.
“Hey!” a guard shouted. “You kids can’t be down here. This is a restricted area. I will be talking to your squad leader about this and your flight leader will receive proper punishment..
Someone raised their voice to protest but the guard cut them off. “I don’t care if your flight leader is in a match right now. He shall receive the proper punishment for allowing his flight to stick their noses where they didn’t belong.”
The sounds of armor faded as the guard led whoever they were away.
Shadow shook himself and refocused on Ash’s mind. He couldn’t afford to be distracted and if the guards weren’t after his friends he didn’t care what they did.
The storm in Ash’s mind had abated somewhat as the distraction pulled him away, but it had gotten even colder in her mindscape than before. Her fears and pessimism seemed confirmed by his absence and she had retreated even deeper into herself.
Shadow growled in frustration at the distraction that had pulled him away and at himself for letting it happen. He had been trying to help but had only made things worse.
Maybe Master was right. I should have listened to him and stopped before I made things worse, Shadow thought. Then he shook his head. No. I can’t just leave her like this. She needs to know I won’t give up on her.
With renewed determination Shadow walked over to Ash and sat next to her. He closed his eyes and entered her cold mindscape, but the moment he moved towards Ash’s mental self she sensed his presence and tried to shut him out.
No. Why are you here? Just go away, she cried.
I want to help you. Please let me help you, Shadow pleaded.
I can’t. What if you use me? What if you make me do things I never wanted. It hurts… it hurts…
Ash’s body rocked even more as tears began dripping down her snout.
You can do it, Ash. I know you are strong enough to survive this pain. I won’t force you out of it, but I can sit in it with you. I can share your pain.
Why would you do that? It hurts… it hurts…
Shadow felt the wind die down slightly as he let a powerful wave of empathy flow through him into his words.
I would do it because I know what it is like to feel alone. To wonder if I can truly trust anyone out there. When my brother left me behind I felt more alone than ever. I was lucky to find my friends and I know my brother will find me someday. I’m sure you have someone out there like that. But until then I will sit with you.
Shadow placed his talon on hers comfortingly. A shiver ran through her body and shook her mindscape. There was still a barrier keeping him out of the interior of her mindscape but the storm pushing him back had lessened. However, the pain and fear surrounding Shadow didn’t lessen. If anything it actually increased.
Shadow shook slightly as her feelings rocked him but he did his best to hold his ground. Neither advancing nor retreating. He stood with her and let his empathy be his shield. He could tell she was sharing her pain with him on purpose. In the midst of it all was a simple, unasked question.
Would he really sit with her in the pain? Could she trust him?
Shadow nodded with understanding and gave her talon another squeeze. He wasn’t going anywhere.
They sat beside each other for what felt like hours, until eventually Ash trembled as part of her began to accept Shadow. She couldn’t continue pushing her pain onto him and collapsed, exhausted. The storm in her mind faded to a dull cold ache.
Shadow’s face brightened. He moved closer both physically and in the mindscape but Ash shuffled away.
No. Please. Stop. I can’t… I can’t take it anymore. Thank you, but… I can’t…
Ash looked away, her eyes downcast.
Shadow could feel her exhaustion. She was overwhelmed. He wanted to keep helping her but forcing her now might break the small, fragile trust he had just built between them. She needed to know he wasn’t going to force her to do what he wanted.
Shadow leaned around to look into Ash's eyes. It’s okay, Ash. I’m not going to force you. I’ll be right here when you’re ready.
Shadow sent one last wave of comforting feelings and squeezed Ash’s talon before moving away. As he crossed the cell, Shadow let out a sigh of relief. He felt exhausted himself and plopped down against the bars of the cell to rest.
Ash wasn’t healed yet. In fact, they hadn’t even really started. But she was beginning to open up to him, and soon they would be able to start the process of putting her broken mind back together.
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hi there, dragonight9! Niteowl here to review. Note-I have skim-read the previous chapters in hopes of being able to provide some better feedback, but I'll be starting here since this is the earliest still in the Green Room. I also usually read by "live reacting" thoughts along the way, then final thoughts at the end.
Right off the bat, this feels odd to me, given that in the first chapter we met Ash, her mind was wide open for him to an extent that he thought was unusual. I'm not quite following how or why that changed. Is there like some part of her mind that's open to him and then one that's closer? Or maybe the earlier chapters should be rewritten to have Ash have this stronger mental barrier to begin with?
Um...what? This is the first I've read of a prophecy. It is possible I missed it since I read fairly quickly, but this feels pretty late in the story to bring up this organization that they are/were both (I think?) part of and a prophecy.
I'm not totally sure this makes sense. If they're imprisoned, I'd think anything the guards say/do would be the most important thing. If I were the protagonist, I'd be setting aside the issues with my friend and her trauma to listen in on what's going on with these humans and if it will help or hinder any plans to escape. Now, it's possible that this is Bellum's doing, making Shadow focus on the wrong thing in this scene, but worth considering if that wasn't your intent.
So...this exchange with Ash is the first I've seen of anyone being able to "talk back" to Shadow in their minds, and even recognize that he could manipulate her. Before Bellum, it seemed like all Shadow could do was just passively read minds (but no one around him knew he could), then after Bellum's training took root, he was able to manipulate Boulder into giving Aurora some food, and Boulder had some inkling of someone being in his mind, but was able to brush it off. So I'm unsure if this is because Ash has some sort of strength of mind from her trauma and is thus able to communicate with Shadow, or if Shadow's taken a step back in his training (because the end goal of Bellum's training is for Shadow to be able to manipulate minds WITHOUT the other person realizing, I think.)
So...there's been a couple moments like this in the previous chapters, moments where you have the dragons moving in more human-like ways instead of more reptilian ones. I'm not sure if the dragons are supposed to have like humanoid bodies but then also wings? Or are they meant to have more lizard-like bodies and wings (as is the typical dragon design.) This may be something you need to consider in revisions. I've run into this problem myself when working with non-human characters, so I can certainly relate.
Now, I like the threads of plot and emotions happening here. It's clear that Ash has been holding on to this pain for a long time and is willing to let Shadow in because it's been such a burden to hold it on her own, and also clear that Shadow thinks he's doing the right thing, using Bellum's training for good. I wonder if this exchange might make more sense as dialogue rather than telepathic communication. Or at least some combination of the two, Shadow mind-manipulating Ash into sharing more out loud than she would normally. I'm also very curious about both what happened with the Wings of Protection to make Ash so disillusioned and what's going on with the guards and the possible rebellious humans outside, as I have a feeling that's more significant than Shadow seems to realize.
Overall, I'm finding this story very interesting and in fact might circle back to the beginning to properly review it. Happy Review Day and keep writing!
Hi Niteowl! Thanks so much for the review!
I liked a lot of your comments and I will most likely go back and adjust a lot of the mental dialogue between Ash and Shadow.
Since Ash was traumatized by a powerful telepath (like Bellum) she has basically retreated deep into her own psyche. So the voice Shadow hears is not her conscious thoughts but emotions and instinctual reactions. She didn't have any resistance when Shadow first entered because she had retreated so far into herself, but when Shadow went deeper she reacted and kind of blew up.
As for your comments on the bodies of the dragons and their humanlike movements... I often use their wings and tails as a way of conveying things but their wings are restricted at the moment. I also use human-like gestures because they are more easily recognizable for scenes with a lot of emotion or that move quickly.
If you do want to read the story (which I would be grateful for) I would advise you that Shadow's Rising is all one book, not a series. So if you want the full context you'd have to start from Wing 1. (Wing 2 at the latest if you want just the info about Ash)
Hmmm it sounds like part of why Ash is so disillusioned and broken is bc she lost faith in her own organization. Probably by good reason, given what we saw from her memory.
Oh wait, what the guards where IRL? Why were they so loud that the dragons could hear them and what… what’s with the flight lead?
I guess Shadow really needs to learn how to be more focused on the mental thing…
AWW I think the offer to just sit with her is v sweet :3
“ the pain and fear surrounding Shadow didn’t lesson” didn’t lessen
I think it makes sense that the negativity increases, given that he offered to actively share it with her 😊
Aww and that yes, this was a step but the step was painful and not enough and she needs rest now tyvm. Alrighy!
Ah I felt like this part was so necessary. To have Shadow do something unquestioningly good works for Bellum too ofc but here, it was Shadow’s OWN decision to push forward and it was the right one! Get some confidence kid :3
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