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16+ Violence

Reflect me 6

by demoncat

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

hey sorry I haven't posted this yet. I've been busy. I must warn you this is part six! Go to the others before you read this please. Also there is some Gore in here. So if you don't like the mention of blood... And Maybe more... than this may not be the place for you. Now pls enjoy.

When we get to the mall it's storming. The clouds cast an eerie darkness across the building. Lighting cracks across the sky making the windows glow. And in the reflection I see the man again. 

And I kept seeing him. As me and Susan shop o notice that man everywhere. In the mirrors, in the shine of store windows, even In the dark gleam of Susan's dark eyes.

That's another strange thing. The longer we shop the more Susan looks at me. Plus she isn't talking as much as she usually does.

As we get deeper into the inner workings of the mall I notice there are less and less people. And the less people that there are the more I see that man.

Hes wearing a cloak so I can't see his face. "Hey Susan? I thought there would be more people here?" I ask both confused and frightened. She says nothing, only nods absently.

"Hey I'm gonna go powder my nose." I say nervously. " Wheres the bathroom?" She smiles faintly and points twards the restroom.

I quickly joh over and close the door behind me. Then I check to make sure no one else is inside. "Alone." I whisper. "Ugh, this day couldn't get any worse!" I sigh.

I walk to the sink and splash my face. But when I look into the reflection I don't see my wet face. I see myself as a grotesque courpse. The grey skin on the right of my face is rotting off and you can see my cheek bone. 

My teeth have also begun to fall out. Leaving big black rotten gaps. Also my right eye socket is filled with maggots. Squirming. I open my mouth to scream but more magots fall out of my mouth. A grab my hair but it falls out in clumps. Leaving just afew thin strands. Like cobwebs on my scalp. I shreiked and start trying to hit the maggots away.

But when I look back to the mirror my reflection is completely gone. The light starts to flicker then completely shuts off.

I stumble around in the dark trying to reach the door. But when I finally do find it the mirror begins to glow. I pause. Considering my choices. Then I take afew steps closer to the Mirror. The man steps in pace with me into the reflection.

I still cannot see his face but I do see long blue horns sticking from under his hood. He also has bright red hair the is oddly familiar. He speaks in a deep manly voice. "He's not who you think he is."

"What do you mean? Who?" I say louder than I meant to.

" You shouldn't have this body. His job was to send you into the light." He spoke firmly.

"What in the world are you talking about?" I shriek. Tears stinging my red eyes. 

"Beware of the devil's pawn." He says suddenly. Then he smirks slightly. "But if he can break rules, so can I. I will be back for you." 

With that he leave me standing there dumbfounded in that ugly green restroom. Still pitch black.

I eventually find the door. But once I get to the hall it's still dark. And there isn't a single person in sight.

I see a light in the distance. since I can't see anything else I might as well head to it. Behind me I hear the faint clicking of heels. As I step into the light I see a victorious secret store. The light was from the security lights. One of the bulbs is flickering making the sight even creepier.

The maniquins In the window stare down at me with their blank faces. A shiver runs down my spine as the footsteps grow louder behind me. "Susan?" I turn around.

What is standing before me is not Susan. But there are three maniquins dressed in underwear. One has no head. The light flickers giving the maniquins the illusion of movement.

Then all the lights go out again. I feel breath against my neck. It's warm against my cold body. A drop of sweat rolls down the small of my back. And when the security lights come back on I'm about ready to pee my pants.

The maniquins have surrounded me. All except for one opening. I see it and I slide between them into the store. Suddenly the tallest one comes to life. It's wearing a black and red bra and panty set. It rears back and let's out an animalistic screech.

It runs twards me still shrieking and the rest follow. I slam the door and they hit against it. 

Their shrieks grow waking the maniquins inside the store.  As they claw at the door the other store maniquins jump at me. One reaches my face and scratches my right cheek. Warm blood pours down my face. This makes the maniquins go wild.

Afew maniquins tackle the ones who got hit with my blood ripping them to shreds in hopes more human flesh would be inside. The other maniquins break through the window. Glass flying everywhere. 

I try to run to the dressing room but my leg is hurt so I limp there instead. It was my only chance to escape. While they were distracted with my blood. 

The largest maniquins noticed me escaping and screeched. Thus alerting the other maniquins. They charge after me and I just barely close the door.

A sharp pain surges through my leg making me scream. I hadn't noticed because of the adrenaline but there was a huge shard of glass in my calve. I laugh at the sentation.

The door won't hold long. "Help!" I scream in a last ditch effort. "Please!" 

At this point I've lost too much blood. My leg begins to grow numb and I feel light headed.

Then the clawing and pounding stops. I peer through the key hole. The scree Hing grows louder again. But this time it sounds almost as if they are afraid. And in pain?

Warm blood trickles out of my right ear. I see a glowing syphe slice through one of the maniquins. It bursts into athousand glittering, burning pieces. 

I can barely stay awake as the man opens the door and lifts me gently. I can barely identify him as the man from the mirror. Only by the glow of his bue horns. 

I feel his strong muscles flex as he cradles me with the same care you would give a small child. Everything is blurry from blood loss but I can just make out his chocolatey brown eyes.

"Hey girlie. Sorry I was Abit late." He says. Carrying me away. I look back before I pass out. And I can just barely make out a maniquin in a black and red bra panty set Making their getaway. Then everything goes black.

To be continued in part seven.

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381 Reviews

Points: 16998
Reviews: 381

Sat Sep 14, 2019 7:07 pm
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Dreamy wrote a review...

Hey there, democat! Finally here to catch up with the story. First, let me point out few typos:

As me and Susan shop o notice that man everywhere

"As Susan and I shop, I notice..."

even In the dark gleam of Susan's dark eyes.

I is capitalised in "in"

As we get deeper into the inner workings of the mall

Inner workings? I think you meant, "As we get further into the mall..." or something like that would sound better, I think.

"Hey I'm gonna go powder my nose." I say nervously.

Isn't Marie a teenager? And do teenagers still say "go powder my nose?

A grab my hair but it falls out in clumps. Leaving just afew thin strands.

I grab... a few

I shreiked and start trying to hit the maggots away.

I shriek

He also has bright red hair the is oddly familiar.

which is

With that he leave me


And there are few other typos just like these.

When the man says something about "breaking deal" it got my attention. Dottie's analysis in their review makes sense. Maybe Ros had something to do with it. I think the story will be intense in the coming chapters.

I liked how action filled this chapter was though I have to agree with Dottie, you could have slowed it down a bit and have a breather.

I liked the scenes with the mannequins. Though, I'm still confused how no one else was in the mall or in the store except these two girls. I think it was bright out when they decide to go shopping or am I wrong in assuming the time? I thought there might be someone who could have come and helped Marie and what's up with Susan? She was acting a bit strange in the beginning of the chapter. Did the man posses her or something? Oh, so many questions!

Can't wait to read more. Keep writing!

Cheers! :D

demoncat says...

Thank you for your feedback. I really. Apreciate. It.

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25 Reviews

Points: 94
Reviews: 25

Wed Sep 04, 2019 4:24 am
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DottieSnark wrote a review...

This chapter was amazing! So creepy but it also had me on the edge of my seat. You let me with all these new questions. But you also gave me enough information to start making me guess. For example, based on what the dude from the mirror said I'm assuming Roscoe had some secrets and was working with the bad guy and broke off an agreement because he fell for Marie.

You’ve visual descriptions in this chapter was great. When Marie is looking into the mirror and she starts teeth fell out and the maggots started crawling out of her eyes and everything: beautiful…well gross, but in a beautiful way, lol. You painted the scenes with your words and that was great.

I think the biggest problem with this chapter is you didn’t let it breathe. One thing happened after another and it was kind of a trippy chapter but you never really grounded the scene. It just went by way too fast. Maybe focusing on Marie’s thoughts a little more or giving a little more narration would have helped.

Your SPaG and formatting have really improved since the first chapter. Those small changes have made the story so much easier to read and to focus on the actual content. I caught a few spelling errors, like when you wrote o instead of I in the second paragraphs, but it really has improved a lot.

Great story and I can’t wait for the next update.

demoncat says...

I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for your feedback.

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1029 Reviews

Points: 119383
Reviews: 1029

Tue Sep 03, 2019 2:21 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hi demoncat,

you mentioned at the beginning if you didn't like blood this might not be for you, and I'd have to say you're right, this was an incredibly violent piece - every moment was just some sort of creepy/violent injury. I would say you really need to boost the rating from 12+ to 16+/18+ just to give reader's an idea of the heavy graphic writing.

There were quite a few grammatical issues and a few consistent spelling issues too. I would really suggest taking a read through and reading the piece out loud to take care of some of those words that didn't end up being words like "bue" and "scree Hing" and "joh". Also take care to watch your apostrophes for contractions.

Also "courpse" should be "corpse", and "maniquin" should be "mannequin".

I think you haven't quite reached the right balance here of horror and plot -> horror/and grotesque depictions can add some vivid interest once in a while, but if you're missing a plot, or leaving out genuine suspense the story ceases to be scary, and ends up just being artsy and uncomfortable rather than interesting and engaging. I think the first half of this chapter was a little more suspenseful, but then I had a hard time following along with just what was happening with the mannequins and the descriptions of gore sort of made me sick, especially because it didn't seem necessary in the context of the piece.

Another note is it seems like sometimes you switch from present/past tense, so watch that a bit too just to be consistent.

Good luck in your writing!

Happy #RevMo !

demoncat says...

Thank you for your feedback. I'll put it to use.

alliyah says...

You are very welcome!

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle