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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Reflect me

by demoncat


dear diary,

Ok so I'ma.gonna find a way out of here! I promise you that! (Says to self) *cricket noises* hmm... So I found out my loves name is Tyson. Oh he is so dreamy. But this girl keeps showing up! Who is this girly? How does she know my Tyson?? My poor wittle chicken baby! Stuck with this ugly girly. When he could have me! I've got the long Raven black hair. The black eyes. The pale skin! And of course im skinny! With just enough curve to keep a man! Maybe my red pupils freak out most guys.... If they could see me... But hey im a nice catch. Who wouldn't want all of this? Sure my pointed teeth hurt Abit when we kiss. But I'll be gentle. Why can't I find a fine fella who can see me? Although Tyson looks in the mirror alot. So that's good for me. Hmm... Russell likes mirrors... And so did I... Ow my head is killing me. If I wasn't already dead of course. Ha!

Dear diary,

Tyson seems to have a new roommate. He doesn't look in the mirror much though. He did once but ever since then he's been really pale and won't look again. He's kinda strange. And he doesn't shower here. Or use the bathroom here. Plus he doesn't have a mirror in his room. So I can't get inside. I really don't understand him. Oh well. I just need to work on my plans to get out of here and kill Tyson's GIRLFRIEND! Hmm then maybe she can be the master of the mirror instead. I do need a vacay from my job. Working is hard. Why should women do it. Back in my day women stayed at home and had babies. I would have made such cute babies. Ow my head hurts again.

Dear diary,

So Tyson's weird roommate finally got a mirror in his room. But im kind of concerned for his mental health. He has alot of candles in his room. And his mirror is in a salt circle. Plus he's got a chair in front of it and he's just staring at it. So weird. I think I'll go see if Tyson is out of the shower yet. Hey? Why can't I leave. " I know your there." He finally says while I look at him in disbelief. "I can see you." Ok now im sure this guy is weird. He's talking to his reflection. "I don't know why. But I could always see people like you. Ghosts I mean. That's why I hate mirrors. Because they always have a ghost in them." I turn to face him full on. And look down. I blush realizing I am less than dressed. Since no one could see me I didn't ever bother with clothes. They are such a hastle anyway. I Shrek like a banshee. Literally! "Eek you pervert!" I died in the shower. So water splashes from my hair to his face. He blushes from head to toe and covers his eyes. Then he stands up tripping over the chair and turns around quickly while I wrap up in my fuzzy cactus blanket. "Um im sorry miss... What is your name? And can I look now?" He peeks around. "I suppose." I say sprawled out on my non existent floor. Clutching the edges of my blanket to my chest. Now that I look at him i can tell he's kinda cute. In a geeky, exhausted kind of way.

*Flashback*

I more up around Timothy and in front of him. He trys to go around me but I stop him. "It's not how it looks." I scramble out. He gawks at me. "Oh I know exactly how it looks. And how it is. It looks like you were kissing my best friend! And you looked... Alot happier with him..." I feel tears welling in my eyes. "I don't love him the way I love you! He was just another guy. Another pair of lips that kissed me. And in the moment ... I couldn't resist?" I try to sound as pitiful as possible. Giving him my best pout and everything. But it doesn't work. In fact he looks even angrier. "That's even worse! If your not faithful to me now. Then how do I know you will be faithful if we ever got married. Keep the ring. I don't need it." I try to get closer but he shoves me away. "Im done with this!" He yells. "I heard all the rumors! About you jumping from guy to guy... The cheating... And the lying. All the guys you have hurt or left in the middle of the night. But oh no! I didn't listen! I thought 'shes not like that!' it's love! People can change! These are just rumors!... I gave you the benefit of the doubt and you stabbed me in the back. And I don't know Wich is worse. That you treated me like a side dish... Or that you did that to my best friend too." My eyes start swelling and I fall to the ground on my hands and knees. I so into the wet ground as the rain pours down on me. I har thunder in the background. "We're through!" He said sternly. And he takes the ring with him. I race to our sketchbooks to make sure they are protected by the rain. And I putter away on my moterbike.

*Flashback end*

When I come to I am still Trapped in this geeks room. He's still looking at me. "Hmm?" I querie. "Maybe you can help me out? You see I wish to leave this mirror. But I cannot for I am trapped by a curse. And since you can see me perhaps you would be willing to release me? I have some unfinished business to attend to. As do all ghosts. And I promise you if you let me out of here I will finish it and be on my way?" He pauses and then smirks at the mirror. "No." I gawk at him holding my mouth open. All the way to the floor. Although I close it with my hand because gawking is a very unmanerly thing for a lady to do. "Whyever not?" He looks at me as if he I didn't already know. "I've seen the way you look at Tyson. It's obvious your business has something to do with him. I bet... YOU ARE HIS PAST LOVER PLOTTING REVENGE!" The room goes silent as he points at me in a goofy fashion. Wow. This man is not only weird but dumb too! "Ok I guess I'll have to try a different tactic." I mumble as I reposition myself. When I am all comfy alittle bit of my thigh is out of the blanket. And I have the blanket laying alittle lower then my shoulders thus exposing my neck. My for arm is on the outside of the blanket. I lean back alittle Making a puff of fog appear behind me as a pillow. I open my mouth just alittle and try to give him the puppy dog eyes. I pout alittle bit then say in a soft voice. "You know. If you let me out. I would be ever so grateful. And I would repay you. Any way I Know how." He completely ignores me and looks at my arm. He sees scars all over it. "Oh. So that's how you died."  I quickly cover myself again. "Not in the slightest! I'll have you know my past is none of your. Beeswax!" I say firmly. My head hurts trying to remember. He looks apologetic. "Im sorry. But I can't let you go. Not yet."


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25 Reviews


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Mon Aug 05, 2019 5:26 am
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DottieSnark wrote a review...



Hi there! I saw your chapter two get uploaded to the green room and thought, hey, why not give chapter one a try too?

So the structure you've set up is diary entries. Cool! It's a very different form of writing than just having a narrator tell a story. A character going off on a tangent is excusable in a diary, but remember, a diary is written after the fact. If they are recalling a past event they are remembering it to their best knowledge. And it will be very biased as to how they remember it.

For most of the piece your diary format works, but the flashback portion really stuck out. You need to make the narrative change much clearer. We're going from a diary entry to a flashback. Are you sure you want it to be told in a narration instead of your character just recalling the scene in her diary? That might be the easiest way to tackle that scene. If not, then you need to make it clearer than just writing *flashback*/*flashback ends*. Those scenes really stuck out to me. And I was unsure if the portion after the end of the flashback was a continuation of the diary or the actual narrator talking to the audience.

You have some good ideas and this is a great start. I'm interested in the world you've created, and what's the deal with these characters are. Why is this ghost stuck in the mirror and how did he get trap and how is the roommate involved? Is your character's crushed involved? What's your character going to do with this new information? It's just all a very interesting idea and story, but if you work on your transition and narrative form it will really shine.




demoncat says...


Thank you for the review I will make the changes soon.



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Sun Jun 30, 2019 10:56 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Heya demoncat,

Shady here with a review for you this fine review day, courtesy of the blue team! Let's get started...

I've got the long Raven black hair. The black eyes. The pale skin! And of course im skinny! With just enough curve to keep a man! Maybe my red pupils freak out most guys.... If they could see me... But hey im a nice catch. Who wouldn't want all of this? Sure my pointed teeth hurt Abit when we kiss.


So it's hard when you're doing a first person POV, but be careful about being info-dumpy with descriptions about the narrator. I know it's hard to work that information in otherwise, but this very much seems like exposition rather than showing us.

*Flashback*

...

*Flashback end*


So a lot of times flashbacks are conveyed through italicized text, and that's generally a smoother way to indicate the start and stop of them instead of explicitly saying so.

~ ~ ~

Okay! So this is an interesting concept!

I think when you go through to edit you might want to consider approaching it from another perspective. For example, the diary option is interesting, but maybe this would be a bit more engaging if it was written more as a narrative from the perspective of your main character?

Also, paragraphs.

So the general rule for paragraphs is that they should contain nice little bite-sized thoughts. So, in general, each new speaker gets a new paragraph. You can have several ways of doing it, such as:

"Words," she said.

"Words," she said. "And even more."

She said, "Words."

Or you could even work in some action there too. But each time you change speakers (between the roommate and the ghost, for example; but even during the flashback when the ghost was talking to her boyfriend) then you should have a new paragraph to denote that a new person is talking. It helps things stay nice and easy to follow.

You also have quite a few grammatical mistakes scattered throughout. I recognize that this is likely a first draft so it's not really worth it to point out grammar mistakes at this stage, but that is something you should look out for if you ever decide to come back and edit this.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Jun 02, 2019 10:59 pm
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LadyBug wrote a review...



Wesh! Professor Jade here to review your story. I saw you mentioned it in a post so I looked for it, I guess XD. OK, let's just begin (I'm making no sense already).

I think it's very awesome how you decided to call this "Reflect Me" and it's a diary. I like the characters and they seem like they could be realistic.

Though, you really should go through and check for spelling and grammar mistakes. Trust me, I know real diaries have spelling mistakes but this is a story, so go through, It's like polishing a diamond; it's nice before but polishing it makes it better. Do you get my metaphor? >-<

I think maybe you should change some of the word use with the characters. They feel like the same person, so maybe go through and change their habits and word use to make them seem more varying. (I know sounds like it contradicts what I said about them being likeable, but it doesn't. I do, in fact, like them....)

Also, don't say *Flashback* and *Flashback end*. It feels like I'm reading a movie script, not looking at a book. Maybe say one of my key phrases:
I felt a memory coming on.
That remind me of when.

(Well, you get the idea.)

Also, make sure you use proper capitalization. Please? It would make this grammar nerd very happy!

Overall:: I think you get what I'm saying. This was great and I can't wait to see more by you. I really hope this helped and please let me know if you want me to elaborate on anything. I can say things that don't make sense, sometimes. Well, I am out.

-Professor JadeLotus-




demoncat says...


Thank you so much for your advice I will put it to good use. I appreciate it so much. And I will be making the next part soon. I have to rewrite it.



LadyBug says...


Awesome! Glad I could help and please tag me when it's out!



demoncat says...


I'll try... Though im really bad with electronics. I could barely find out how to post this lol.




I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
— Roald Dahl