Warning I'm part two of this story there are some trigger warnings. this is part one and there is a part two.
dear diary,
I saw him again today. Oh he's so tall and dashing. And he seems to look at me alot too. But im sure it's just my imagination. Nobody ever sees me. But if anyone did I would hope it was him. I think he's my favorite. Ooh and he has such nice shoulders. Strong ones. And his hair isn't a natural red but it's nice. I like to watch him colour it. Oh he's looking over here again! Ooh did he just wink at me? Oh wait... It was just his reflection... I guess he can't see me. But at least I can see him. *Sigh* I'll never find a fella like this. Maybe I should step up my game!
Dear diary,
I hope you don't take me for a fool but... I think im in love. This guy I've been watching. I can't get him out of my head. His red hair. His broad shoulders. His deep chocolatey brown eyes. Huh? Is that tattoo? Of a girls name? Does he have a girlfriend? Oh no. Whatever will I do? *Shing* ( knife noises) mwhahahaha... Oh wait... Im trapped in the mirrors. Hmm but I can probably have them say my name three times! It shouldn't be too hard my name is pretty common. Now I'll start by writing on the window in red lipstick. Demon marie doogle. Three times.
Dear diary,
Ooh he's reading my note. Im so nervous. Ooh what is he saying? "Huh? Why is there red stuff all over the mirror? I can't read this. It's backwards!" Huh? Backwards? Oh... I wrote it... On my side of the mirror. So it's backwards? Uuuuhhhh *ghostly moan* Oh I think he has goosebumps! He's so cute when he's shivering. "So... Cold" chatter.
Dear diary,
I am heart broken! He came into the room kissing some... Some girly! They made out on the couch for like an hour!
*Sobs* why can't I find love? And why will no one say my name! Just once is fine! Demon marie doogle! It's a nice name! Who does this Susan girly think she is anyway?! I knew a poltergeist named Susan once! He was the laughing stock of the pumpkin patch! Why if I was able to get out of her she would be in big trouble! Hmm... I wish he would kiss me like that. *Sigh* I miss when I was alive.
My mind suddenly goes somewhere else. Somewhere I used to be. My past perheps?
"Timothy? Timothy Charles where did you go?" I wonder where Timothy went? "Boo!" I hear from behind me as I feel a tap on my shoulder. "Ahh! Timothy? Oh it's just you Russell. I didn't see you there." I blush " I was just looking for Timothy. He uh... Owes me money." I can barely manage to stutter. Timothy sure is a looker but he has nothing on Russell! Timothy has more of a boyish style. His hair is always fluffy. And he's always ruffed up. Like he's been in a rumble. But Russell. Oh Russell. He is the kind of man that can sweep you off your feet. Litterally! He's 6'6 and he's got a strong build. Compared to my miniscule 5'2 that's saying something. He has dark brown eyes. Almost like a puppy. And red hair that is abnormally dark. Like blood. And he's always wearing black. And alot of tight leather. I know it's wrong to lead Timothy on... To lead all of them on. But I just can't help myself. This hunky price of man has me in some kind of trance. Although I used to say that about Timothy. And Charlie. And Sue. And Lily down the street. And even uncle Bob... I was 9. But this it different. His lean muscles aren't all of it. Are they? He's a gentleman... Right? He grabbed my waist. And he pulls me closer. I gaze into his deep eyes. "Rusty I don't think..." He cuts me off and kisses me ever so gently. I lift my leg off the ground kissing him back with the skill of a pro. Then I hear a clatter and turn around. I see Timothy gawking at us. His face has gone as pale as a ghost. He runs off and I see what he dropped. It's a sketchbook. And it's filled with pictures of me. And they all are alot more georgous then they ought to be. And in the back is a poem.
I love you forever my one.
You are equal to none.
Your beauty exceeds any other.
The only one who loves you more is my mother.
True as it is I came for your beauty.
But I stayed for much more you see.
Now I ask you to be forever mine.
And I promise to keep you happy through all time.
I look beside where the sketchbook landed. And there is a box that landed in a puddle. It's a red velvet. My favorite cake. Inside it is a ring. I recognize it as one that I designed in my own sketch book. Timothy caught me drawing and almost had a heart attack he was so shocked. I remember him rambling on for an hour almost about all the fun times we could have drawing together. What have I done. "Timothy wait!" I hop on my moterbike and put the sketchbook in the sachel next to mine. Russell yells from behind me "if you leave you will never have a chance with me.
My mind returns to the mirror.
I can't help but shiver. Ah my head hurts. I can't think about the past. It makes me tired. It's time to sleep. I fall asleep in the mirror beside my loves bed. Although his new guest is there in his stead.
To be continued.
End of chapter
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
So I just realized that I made some mistakes when writing the second chapter so I will change it soon. I accidentally renamed the characters in the second chapter whoops Tyson and Scott are the same person. And I think somehow part two did publish the first time I wrote it or something because I'm when I went back to edit I seen parts that I thought weren't there any more so yeah... Sorry for any confusion between parts one and two I will correct it soon!
Woah, this is creepily interesting. I didn't expect what I got! It's really good, and seems to have a good set up. However, I find that it's a little inconsistent when she has the flashback. We start out reading a diary, but then we go to a memory.
Also, at the start, I think the 'Dear' and the 'Diary' should be capitalized. The uppercased diaries more of a preference, but the dear should be capitalized.
Finally, there were a few grammar mistakes here an there, and it was all a bit rushed, like ToxicAngelerFish said.
Overall, a very good story, and has a very good foundation for an excellent tale. Really, if you just go back, and play around with it a bit, it would be great!
Thx I'll do that when I have time
I really liked this short story. I loved the twist where the girl writing the diary turned out to be a ghost. But I kind wanted to know, how did she die? Was it her lover? Why does she like the boy so much? The story also felt kind of rushed too? Like this was the first draft. I suggest to go back and add some more details, flesh out the characters more, and overall just edit this piece. Keep writing!
I planned on writing the second part soon but it deleted itself instead of posting so I gotta rewrite it but it is coming.
Hello there!
Dreamy here to review this story. (It's been a long time since I reviewed anything so I'm little rusty, bare with me.)
First and foremost, this story reminded me of myself when I was young, oh those young years of starting out as a writer. I can assure you that I must have written billion stories just like these: incoherent love stories. It's not a bad thing as other writers would claim, it's just that everyone begin somewhere.
Now, on with the actual story. I actually like how you began this story. A teenager writing in her diary about a guy she has a crush on. It started out to be all giggly and dreamy eyed and full of hormones and BAM! The girl is a ghost. I like the twist, trust me. But I wish you could have paced it out-- let us know more about the girl, what she likes, why she likes him. I understand that you as a writer tried to withhold the girl's mundane activities, things like what she likes, why she likes him etc, to add to the shock value but quite honestly, it didn't work.
I'd suggest you to spend some time with the girl, just her, after all it's her story. Let her write it her way. Since the girl is trapped inside the mirror (like bloody Mary, nice touch btw, I had to laugh) you could write about her writing the diary how she feels trapped, it'll easily sit well with the readers because all the teenagers at some point in their life feel trapped. See, by this, you haven't exactly exposed her true position but are merely portraying her as any teenager.
And the story felt a little rushed. I know how it is: you have an idea and you immediately want to write it before it engulfs you, and you should rightly write it. But when the moment passes, sit back and edit. Scrutinize the story yourself. We all love our story, and we want people to read them. Unfortunately, we all don't share the same mind. What I like might not even remotely interest you. So we as writers need to engage the readers, sometimes even challenge their knowledge. For that, you need to build a story, brick by brick, and destroy it or paint rainbow, as the story demands.
I see what you are going for here. By using "see", you are saying the girl is now watching her crush which would make the readers think that they are in school or in some public space, and that she's looking at him and writing the diary. But in the paragraph, she goes on to say that she likes watch him colour. ?! And here I am thinking she's a hairstylist! Or maybe she's in the saloon, getting her nails or hair done. BUT! How is she writing the diary! You need to sit still when you're doing either of those. Unless, she's a cashier. HA!
So you see, how the readers mind work, how you should be ahead of your readers. Which is why editing is important.
Otherwise, it was a really good read, I enjoyed it!
Keep writing! I see you have posted next part. I'll see you there!
Cheers!
There is a part two coming! So the backstory will be in that it's just I've had so.e technical difficulties and have to eventually rewrite it... So keep an eye out for that eventually ok? Also I still have to go back and fix Grammer Wich I will do soon. And thank you for reading. And irlly appreciate all your advice and I will make the corrections and put those to good use in part two I actually plan to make like abunch of short stories about this ghost in the future. So thank you for the advice and for noticing the shout out to bloody Mary I always loved that story.