*This story is under my folder “Siren’s Desire”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=165. Enjoy!*
In the small beachside town called “Moon’s Beach”, named for the rather mesmerizing way the moon glittered on the ocean, there was a woman named Monika Green.
Monika was the school counselor of the Moon’s Beach high school. She saw many students with their many problems, but one student she did not see yet heard so much about was Lorelei Winston.
From the talk of the other students and Lorelei’s two friends who visited her, Skylar and Finn, Lorelei seemed to want to go farther out to the ocean and never come back. She talked about the local siren legend of Israfel a lot, to the point where it nearly sounded like she believed it all.
But that was what Monika heard. She did not truly know. Just as she didn’t know if Lorelei believing in sirens was as serious as everybody else made it out to be. Sure, she was sixteen years old, but she was still a child and children were allowed to believe in magic if it helped them in life.
What Monika was worried about was Lorelei feeling alone, because of all that was said about her. She wanted to talk to Lorelei herself more to see what she had to say, but Lorelei never came.
Maybe Monika had to ask Lorelei herself.
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Hi Creeper! Hope you are doing good today!
oo I love the idea of the place being named for the moon. Maybe describe the moon and town a little more before introducing Monika? It just sounds very intriguing and I would love to hear a little more, maybe about the history or just more about the moon! Great opening though!
this is a very interesting idea. I think a better way to phrase is she was the 'counsellor at Moon Beach High School' (if the school is called that!) and maybe we could hear a bit more about the students and problems she sees, and what she thinks about them?
Very nice! This introduces a lot of mystery. Lorelei is a beautiful name (you always have such cool names in your stories!) If this is a local legend, I wonder what Monika thinks about it; maybe she could explain a little more?
I would love to see Monika a little more, as ehawthorne said in their review! Would it set up the story just a bit more, maybe to have her talking to another student about Lorelei and learning this in a scene?
This is good! We know Monika is a counsellor so she cares and obviously wants to help Lorelei. But you say Lorelei never came -- did Monika invite her to a session, or was she just hoping she turned up?
Good! Sets up the rest of the story where we will hopefully hear from Lorelei!
Keep writing!
She was hoping Lorelei would show up. It didn’t happen tho.
Thx for reading/advice!
Good morning creeper and congratz on 5 years on YWS :3
reading this makes me wonder why Monika would care? Like it seems an oddly specific detail. And I wish we would have gotten an reflection on this from Monika. What does it mean to her? What does she feel abt this when she hears of it? It’s just a random thing floating without context in this already rather short piece. It already doesn’t really feel like a story but you could make it a character study if you dive a bit more into the motivations and feelings of Monika?Let’s look at more of the siren story today!
Hmm I always thought moon beach would also be kinda shaped like the moon’s crescent?
Uhm, I feel like your opening sentence is doing too much and that it work better if you were to split up the moon’s description from the fact that Monika exists. Like, you could make the second sentence about Monika and give us maybe a detail abt her that connects her to the moon or this beach?
You could also make this Origin ABOUT Monika confronting Lorelei, and reveal all these details (that Lorelei wants to go deeper into the ocean, how no one speaks to her or how they find her strange or that she believes the siren story) though them interacting with each other?
Thank you and the idea about the crescent sounds so cool, I didn’t think of that!
I especially appreciate the atmosphere of mystery in this opening. The idea of a tiny coastal town called Moon's Beach due to the reflected moonlight on the ocean already makes the setting look surreal and mystical.
Moreover, Monika is a good choice of the viewpoint character since she is cautious in believing all the stories people say about Lorelei. Monika understands that the information about Lorelei and the siren legend can be inaccurate, and thus she is empathic and observant.
Speaking about Lorelei, the appearance of Israfel is quite interesting. We still do not know whether it is really an important element of the legend or it is just something Lorelei wants to hear. In addition, I am eager to know more about Lorelei and the legend as well.
Moreover, it is pleasant to see that Monika is mostly concerned about the feeling of loneliness of the student and not about any assumptions based on the stories other students have told about her.
Maybe it would be better to make the reader see Monika a little bit more? We know about her background and the reasons for her concern about Lorelei, but Monika is not presented to us as a person. Some hints about her attitude to counseling and her interest in the student will help the reader to know more about her.
In general, it looks like a quiet and enigmatic introduction. The fact that something is going on under the surface becomes clear. The last line when Monika understands that she should listen to the story of Lorelei is an excellent start of the following plot. A lot of questions are raised about Lorelei, Israfel, and the importance of the ocean.
And, on a final note, the atmosphere of mystery is definitely the most powerful part of the text. It’s always lovely reading your work, creeper!
Thx!!