Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This story is underneath my folder titled “Siren’s Desire”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1440. Enjoy!*
On a grand royal ship, there was the young, sixteen year old Princess Magdalena Winston, who was going on a vacation trip with her family and people on the ship she did not know, but she didn’t care much to know about them.
Princess Magdalena and her parents went on vacations often with others. Being a royal family, they could do that often. They could go on ships more extravagant than the next, never having to worry much about anything when they did go out.
But the royal family kept secrets deeper than anybody could imagine. Nobody can be perfect, after all. When one has to pretend to be perfect, then it stands to reason that one must lie to keep up the illusion. And fair-skinned, blond-haired Princess Magdalena was no exception.
From out of her bedroom window, she stared out at the roaring sea, waiting for a glimpse of his moonlight-glimmering tail. No one could know of the romance they had been keeping for many months, the secrets they shared in the hushed darkness by the rippling ocean.
Israfel was a siren who sang songs to only Princess Magdalena. They met when she was collecting seashells one night, away from the palace and she always had to look for him in the water.
She knew that a marriage between them could never happen. She knew that he devoured girls who heard his song. They were both too different to live a life together. But she wanted to see him whenever she could, for their love to last as long as possible. Even if he was a monster, he wasn’t a bad monster. He had to eat. She wouldn’t hold that against him. It helped that he was beautiful, too. He was pale and mysterious, just like the angels. He loved her. He sang a song about it to her. Him being a human-eating siren didn’t make his love any less pure.
So Princess Magdalena watched for the sign of his tail amidst the roaring waves and the people in the ship that talked and danced and drank and then…
She froze. She knew that soft, silvery voice well, even with the ocean that tumbled, twisted, and turned. The voice that caressed her heart and moved her soul. Only, there was a coldness to it that she hadn’t heard before. Something about it that felt wrong, felt jarring.
Princess Magdalena rushed out the door, past the others on the ship, and looked down at the sea. There he was, his bone-white skin glittering in the moonlight, his long, silver hair wet and flowing around his gaunt face. Israfel, sickly and yet striking. His swamp green eyes looked as though they were glowing with the yellowing eyebags underneath. His chapped lips were open in song and his clawed hands were reaching out towards her.
He wanted her, but not in the way she wanted him. He wanted her forever, eternally his, never breathing around anyone else again, never speaking around anyone else again. He wanted her, a limp, doll-like shell of herself.
He wanted her and he didn’t want to let her go.
“Israfel, stop! Let us go! Please?!”
Because his song was hurting the others on the ship. She could sense that from how he sang. She could see that he wanted to sink them all-but he only wanted her corpse.
Princess Magdalena hoped that her pleading with him would bring him to reason, would stop him from hurting the others, but Israfel did not listen.
And compelled by his sinister song, she jumped into the water and crumpled in his arms, unable to even scream as his mouth opened into an array of jagged, monstrous teeth ready to clamp down on the tender flesh of her face.
The ship sank below, but only she suffocated from his vibrant violence.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hello, hello!
You repeat "often" here, and "with others" is vague. Do you mean servants, members of court, wealthy guests or strangers invited for political reasons?
The second sentence also tells me something I can already assume through context. A royal family taking extravagant holidays isn’t particularly surprising, so you could use this space to give a more specific detail about their lifestyle. Perhaps Magdalena has stopped remembering the names of the ships, or each holiday blends into the last.
The romance itself is the secret, so "the romance" followed by "the secrets they shared" feels repetitive unless they have other specific secrets.
I’d also like to know more about what these meetings actually involved. Did Magdalena sit on the rocks while he remained in the water? Did they talk about their different worlds? Did she ever hear him sing before learning what his song did? One specific memory would make the relationship feel real rather than simply telling everyone that it has lasted for months.
This is a very significant fact, but Magdalena accepts it surprisingly easily. The next sentences explain that she doesn’t consider him bad because he needs to eat, but humans don’t generally need to accept being killed simply because another creature needs food. That feels like an oversight.
***
This is fun! A sheltered princess falling in love with a beautiful siren and convincing herself that his murders don’t make him a bad person is an interesting idea, especially when her own privilege allows her to ignore his victims until she becomes one of them.
At the moment, though, most of the story is delivered as a summary of events. I am told that Magdalena and Israfel met, shared secrets, fell in love and understood that they could never marry, but I don’t experience any of those moments. Because of that, his betrayal doesn’t hurt as much as it could. I understand that this is an origin story, though I think you could sprinkle in more details about their relationship together.
Magdalena’s morality also needs a little more attention. Her willingness to forgive him for eating girls could make her selfish and naïve, but the story doesn’t quite signal whether I am meant to recognise how terrible her reasoning is.
Cheers!
Lipton
Because it’s in her perspective, it’s also in her mindset, so it’s written as if what he does is okay because he “loves her” and “would never hurt her” (until the end). I kind of tried to write a bit dismissively because she doesn’t really care about what he does until the very end.
Thx for reading/advice!
I maintain that I like it when your origin stories begin with “there once was” etc and an explanation of who we are following this time :3
But! I also feel like if you have a sentence that goes over three lines and picks up so many different ideas, then something went wrong, writing-wise xd Maybe you could find engaging ways to break up this sentence a bit more? Especially the part abt the ppl she doesn’t know feels v weak right now, so this could be a good starting point?
I like how the MC links her daring romance to the “normal” secrets a royal family keeps XD
Maybe this would be a good moment to mention what makes her special? “She knew that he devoured girls who heard his song.“ Since she hears him and has not been devoured :3
I feel like these lines are especially powerful and well-written: “The voice that caressed her heart and moved her soul. “ and “Israfel, sickly and yet striking. “
Hmm if he has always wanted her corpse tho …did he have to wait until she was on the ship? Is this the first time she’s out on this ship since she met him?
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It is the first time, but he wanted to form a relationship with her before he took her.
Thx for reading. :>
This is gorgeous. The imagery, pacing, and even metaphors are amazing! You did a very good job writing this. This is a very good intro to your story, it hooks the reader in immedoatly. I only think you should make the beginning two paragraphs match the pacing of the rest of the story. Otherwise, good job!