Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This story is underneath my folder titled “Siren’s Desire”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1140. Enjoy!*
There once was a young sixteen year old girl named Lorelei Winston, who lived in the beach town “Moon’s beach”, where the moon reflected on the water in such an enchanting way that the moon looked like it was in the water and the legend of the teenage girl-stealing siren, Israfel, hung heavy in the air like foggy clouds over choppy, gray waters.
It was said that Israfel was a boy who had a witch for a girlfriend, that he thought she had loved him too with all her heart. She had saved his little sister from dying of sickness, she was there for him when he needed her and so, it had felt real and true to him.
But then he found her cheating on him with a Prince who came to visit during the summer. He wanted to speak to his girlfriend, but upon seeing them both so close and so loving to each other, he had drowned them both in a fit of sadness and rage.
The witch had a twin sister, though. A girl who was spoken about in hushed tones, but who hardly left her house. This girl had found Israfel, had seen him kill her sister and since she had powers too, she did what she thought was right.
She cursed him to be a siren, to be forever in his own woe.
His voice sounded like magic and mourning, like the salty beach air, holding memories of all who had laughed and played in the sand. That was what the legend said and Lorelei knew that it was a legend, that there was no reason for it to be true, but…but…
A small part of her wanted it to be true. The part of her that dreamed. The part of her that had a tiny, hand-sized, colorful pig as an imaginary friend when she was a little girl. It would be nice to have someone who was completely devoted to her in a way that was almost obscene, someone who would love her enough to ravage her.
Lorelei tried to push the thoughts deep, deep, deep in the back of her mind and tried to focus on more important things, like school and friends.
But one night, she could not keep the thoughts down any longer. One night, she had to get up, had to see what was out there.
Something had called to her.
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Canary word: Present
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hi again creeper!
Immediately, the legend of Israfel is captivating for me! A siren who was once a heartbroken boy is a strong idea, and I like that his voice is described as sounding like magic - I'm also enjoying that the siren, a traditionally female archetype, is presented more masculinely here. That adds a lot of depth to his character, even if it's only a "small" detail in the scheme of things. I also felt that Lorelei’s secret wish for the legend to be true makes her feel like a real character, not just someone hearing a story. She wants something dangerous because it feels romantic and mythical to her, and that is a neat conflict.
Right now, though, there is a lot happening! There's so much detail about Lorelei, the town, the moon, Israfel, Lorelei’s own feelings, etc. None of that is bad, but it may be easier to follow if some of the legend is shown through a scene, maybe as a story someone tells Lorelei, or as something she reads in a book. I would also be careful with the phrase "love her enough to ravage her," because it feels much older and darker than the rest of the writing, especially for a sixteen-year-old character. You can still show that Lorelei is drawn to danger and action, but perhaps phrase it in a softer way, like wanting someone to love her so strongly it scared her.
Once again, I enjoyed this a lot! I always look forward to reviewing your stories, creeper - I love how much you care about these worlds!
best,
cocteau
Thank you! I love to write about these different worlds and I%u2019m happy you enjoy reading about them. Maybe one day they%u2019ll be in physical print. ^v^
Next up, the Lorelei story! For Violet Victory!
Remember the dashes for sixteen-year-old 😊
Oh wow that girl has some dreams alright xd I do like how direct she is about them 😊
And I like that it really seems to work on her, that everything she thought abt, the retelling of his sad story, all of it, culminated in her being called in by him.
This works very well despite being so short ^^