*This story is underneath my folder titled “Siren’s Desire”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
There was once a fourteen year old boy named Tristan Winston, who had an older sixteen year old sister named Lorelei. Lorelei and Tristan used to be fairly close with each other, because there wasn’t that much of age gap between them and they both loved going out to the beach by their house, called “Moon’s Beach” from how the moon seemed to reflect ethereally on the water at night, as if some kind of magic were embedded in the ocean. It was the name of their town, too, bringing in a sense of mysticism.
There was one legend connected to the water, a legend that said a teenage boy named Israfel was cursed a long time ago by a witch to be a siren and that he lured teen girls to the water to feel some sense of love. Lorelei loved that story and always talked about it with Tristan, for she was fascinated by the gory romance of it. Even when he got annoyed with her about it, she wouldn’t stop talking about it.
One day, Lorelei was not in her room. Her bedsheets were spread open and her window was cracked open. Tristan peeked into her room when he heard his Mom cry out, when he heard his Dad rush to her room. He saw that she was gone and could not make sense of what had happened to her.
Lorelei had talked about the story, but one thing about the story that she wanted to find out was whether or not Israfel was real, whether or not the legend had some truth to it. Tristan had laughed at her then, but in the moment that he saw that she was gone, he told his parents to go look at the beach and so, the three of them went to look early in the morning, before anybody else came, and…
Aside from their footprints, there was nothing. His parents told him that they’d find Lorelei, that it wouldn’t do good to be discouraged, but Tristan wondered if she had gone out to sea, if she had left him, if…if he would ever see her again.
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140,080 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
hello, baldassare here! not sure why this wasn't in the green room as it only has one review, but I'd love to add another!
I love this chapter, it's a great starting point for a wonderful story. I especially liked the ending, and Tristan knowing that her disappearance is connected to the story.
Two small suggestions I had were to switch up the beginning of the third paragraph and the first paragraph. The first sentence, "One day...," could possibly be expanded or turned into two to make the story flow better. I would also review the intro paragraph as it contains a run on sentence.
Have a great day!!!
Works leave the Green Room after 7 months, regardless of how many reviews they have. (idk why it is 7 months tho)
oh interesting, I thought it was a year
Alright this is abt Lorelei’s left behind brother. Let’s go!
Ok first thing I notice is that your second sentence stretches over 4 lines and that is …that is way too long. Think abt how you could break that up a little ^^°
That said I like this phrasing: “as if some kind of magic were embedded in the ocean.“ wish it were in a better sentence.
I also really like this: “He saw that she was gone and could not make sense of what had happened to her.” Like the confusion abt seeing her gone but not really understand what it means or how it happened,
I especially like the final paragraph. It was good use of telling since the story is almost over and also works well bc we know that Tristan can’t believe them. It’s fascinating how he phrases this as his sister leaving him and also that he kinda has this tiny hope that she might come back!
And I also think this is my last review for you for the foreseeable future 😊 One day, maybe you’ll check for dialogue formatting before posting and then I will be very happy ^^