*This story is underneath my folder titled “Zeze and Zuzu the clowns”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1290. Enjoy!*
“Goodbye, Andrea. I hope that life serves you well.” Alessia said.
She and Andrea were at the train station, Alessia holding a briefcase in one hand. Life at Maven Hills had been nothing but sadness and disappointments, men leaving because they never took her seriously, women hating her for being “beautiful.”
So Alessia was leaving Maven Hills. Andrea wanted to say goodbye to her at the station, so they agreed to go together.
“Goodbye, Alessia.” Andrea said, bringing her into a hug.
Alessia hugged her tightly, tears streaming from her eyes.
“I’ll miss you.” Andrea said.
“I’ll miss you too.” Alessia replied, pushing down the jealousy that was boiling inside her.
How come Andrea was happy and she wasn’t?
“Five more minutes to board!” The conductor yelled out.
Alessia broke away from the hug and ran towards the train, never looking back, focusing only on the future.
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Oh I like the phrasing “bringing her into a hug”. I need to remember that :3
I also like how we are efficiently told why Alessia is leaving Maven Hills. It doesn’t break immersion and just fits v well.
Interesting character note abt the jealousy… Hmmm. Is this maybe bc Andrea gets to stay? (even if it looks like she’s also a bit sad that Alessia is leaving?)
Maybe that would have been an interesting avenue to add to this snippet to make it a bit longer ^o^
Apologies for my lack of awareness of the lore here. I would imagine there's more to this story?
Okay, so. What I'm picking up is that the protagonist's biggest tragedy is that her mirror works too well. Alessia’s internal monologue is a gold mine of tropes. She claims women hate her for being beautiful and men don't take her seriously. While pretty privilege has its downsides, framing it as the primary reason for a life of nothing but sadness, not my quote!, makes her sound incredibly detached from reality. Is she?
Andrea is standing there, being a supportive friend and offering a heartfelt goodbye, while Alessia is internally seething because Andrea has the audacity to be happy. With friends like Alessia, who needs enemies?
Despite the "poor me" vibes, although, there are some really effective narrative choices here that make the scene work.
Ending on a moment of physical momentum is a smart move. It leaves the reader with a sense of "What happens next?" even if we suspect Alessia might just find more disappointment at the next stop. If you lean more into her jealousy as a character flaw rather than a justified reaction to being too beautiful, you'll have a much more compelling psychological drama on your hands.
Best of luck, creeperfeverdreams!
this story is very captivating the only thing I would say is that its very plainly wrote not a lot of figurative language. but the promise of a fresh start is interesting what could Alessia do with her new found freedom?