*This short story is connected to stories underneath my folder titled “Zeze and Zuzu the clowns”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*
Amabel and Corvina roamed the streets of Maven Hills, Amabel donning a witch costume, Corvina wearing a vampire princess costume.
The girls were both twelve years old, but still enjoyed Trick-or-Treating in costumes, reveling the festivity of it all.
In their pumpkin buckets were piles of candy bars, eagerly wrapped up. The moon was high and orange, the streets were alive with the joy of young children receiving their prizes.
It was all so beautiful, so warm.
But the girls were looking for something a bit more frightening for their taste. They wanted to go to Zeze and Zuzu’s clown house, said to hold the clown ghosts of Zeze and Zuzu, waiting for the arrival of young children.
A girl their age named Danika supposedly died there in 1951. In 1963, it was said that two boys, also their age, named Hadrien and Drystan had met their gruesome fates.
But what was a little legend to Halloween fun?
Amabel and Corvina giggled as they skipped to the abandoned, tree-branch covered house, not at all frightened.
When they were inside, they called out:
“Zeze! Zuzu! Come get us!”
Not a response came, so they giggled and continued to do it, skipping and dancing all the way.
Nothing came of it, but they got a good laugh. They were just about to leave, when…
“Why are you leaving so soon?”
The girls froze, utterly terrified. The voice sounded too high-pitched, too giddy.
They turned around, facing a smiling, yellow-haired, clown woman.
“Me and Zuzu want to say hi!” Zeze said.
Both girls tried in vain to open the door, but it stayed firmly shut. Zuzu jumped up from the stairs and grabbed Corvina, while Zeze swooped in and snatched Amabel.
“We’re going to have so much fun!” Zeze said as she carried Amabel down to the basement, Zuzu and Corvina following close behind.
Zuzu cackled in agreement, voice ringing throughout the house.
In search of Halloween fun, the poor girls only got two clowns and a dark basement, which led only to a terrible, terrible death.
Why did they ever go into the clown house?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well looks like we're faced with a little classic here, don't go towards the house rumored to be full of potentially murderous clowns on a Halloween night because well... this can happen.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Oooh well looks like an innocent enough start there, just two girls having fun trick or treating and clearly friends from the looks of it too. Neat little showing of just two people having fun despite maybe being a bit too grown up to go around doing it at this point.
Oooh well that smells like a little bit of trouble. Wanting to head out for the more exciting parts of town on Halloween is generally quite fun but in a vampricone story, especially to a place where Death is rumored to have taken place, well that does not read like a recipe for surviving the night, especially for two young girls.
Oh dear they are going in with the worst possible entrance they could have possibly attempted there. The clowns also are sounding a little familiar now. Its definitely isn't about to end too well for the poor girls, I think that much is already quite clear.
Oh dear here we go, here come them clowns and I can bet the intentions here are not about to be very pure here. I sense much death and destruction to be headed our way at the moment and I am not liking the way that things are shaping up.
Oh dear, well we can guess quite easily what's going to be happening down in that basement, it sure will be fun for the two clowns but we can safely assume that is not about to be true for the poor girls.
Well a more classic story this one, just one small mistake, well big mistake at this point and the horrors that come forth from it. Another pair of poor girls to add to the list of innocent victims.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think you've done a wonderful job as usual, creating a nice little classic Halloween moment of the two innocent young girls wandering somewhere they really shouldn't have.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hello there! Stopping by for a quick review of this delightful little work. It's nice to read a spooky Halloween story in the middle of winter!
I appreciate the establishment of the setting - descriptions of the candy, the children on the streets, the moon. What I would love to see is more of the house. Try elaborating on "tree-branch covered" element, for example. How much of the house can they see? Are there any lights on the property, or is it just the moonlight and the streetlamps that are lighting their way?
It surprised me when Amabel and Corvina were able to so effortlessly enter the house. Have they been to this house before and knew it would be unlocked? Perhaps there was no door at all? Perhaps an overgrown oak had split open a wall, or an old fire opened a black gaping maw where the garage door should be?
What I recommend focusing the most on is SUSPENSE. Take your time with this story. Allow the reader to dwell in the spookiness of all. For instance:
This part especially could really benefit from being drawn out. Describe the creaking floorboards and the spiderwebs and the vintage clown decorations. I wasn't given enough time to properly anticipate the danger or feel that delicious onset of dread that is key to horror stories. I do love that the girls are all giggly and fearless, actually seeking out danger - it's unique and morbid considering their fates!
Very well done on this first draft! Keep up the spooky work.
Hello friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.
Per my interpretation, this was a really quick, really great story! Its face-paced nature made it an easy read and was a lot of fun!
Two young girls looking to experience the true horrors of Halloween decided to go to a haunted house where many kids have died, thinking it was only a legend, but soon they found out the truth.
This was an interesting plot with a quick resolution!
If I could offer any sort of advice, I wouldn't! This was great, and I genuinely enjoyed it!
I do wish there were a few more details when they were getting attacked, but I also love how succinct it is, so to be honest, I'm quite torn.
But I still believe there were no major mistakes!
If I had to pick my favorite part, it would definitely be the whole story! But if I had to pick out something specific, it would have to be the way you showed Amabel and Corvina's naivety, saying,
Just for the end of the story to come around and show how foolish their decision was...
It was quite comical in a sense, the way the story turns back on itself, and I really love when characters regret their decisions soon after they make them, so kudos to you for writing it that way!
Overall, this was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed reading it! You did a great job with this!
Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!
Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!