*This story is underneath my folder titled “Zeze and Zuzu the clowns”. Gacha Club character designs are underneath my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
“Do you want to go out to the spring dance with me?” Alessia asked, twirling a strand in her hair, a nervous habit she did.
She had passed by Erik in school a few times. He seemed like a nice boy, like he would care, but Alessia never had it in her heart to say anything to him.
Until that moment in the gym, when she was asking him out to the spring dance, a surge of courage having suddenly rushed in her.
“Yes, I’d like to go out with you, uh…what is your name?” Erik asked.
“Alessia.”
“Alessia! That’s a lovely name, just like your hair.”
Alessia blushed. It was just her long, auburn hair worn down, but maybe he saw it as something more, something greater. The fact that he made a comment like that so quickly spoke to volumes about his character.
“Thank you. I can’t wait to see you at the dance.” Alessia said.
“You too.” Erik said with a smile.
Alessia walked away, for she couldn’t stare at him forever. Besides, Andrea was probably waiting…wait, was Andrea being asked out? It looked like it, from the way she was talking to a boy.
Alessia beamed. She and Andrea both had dates to the dance.
It would be the best night ever.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hey there Vamp!
It’s Nadya again with another review for this story. This is a short story, so my review will be short as well ^^
First things first, same as before, I read a couple of your other chapters to fully understand this one. Great job on the plot! I enjoyed reading about how Alessia and Andrea became friends. The poem chapters are also very cool. To summarize, in this short story, Alessia asks a boy named Erik to the spring dance. (Judging from the descriptions, she has a crush on him.)
Also, as Tikaya said, it's interesting how the girl asks the boy out. That's not something you read about every day. XD
a few suggestions
The following are just my thoughts, so feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with. XD
It's a bit strange that Erik doesn't know Alessia's name, especially since they attend the same school. Maybe it’s a big school and not everyone knows each other. If they have gym together, though, shouldn’t he know her name? Also, why did he immediately say yes if he doesn’t know her? Wouldn't it make more sense if he had a secret crush on her too? (These are just questions to think about.)
- - -
I would suggest writing a short story from Erik's point of view. For example, you could write something that Erik was also staring at her or something. You already have one for Carter. I think it would be nice to have one from Erik's perspective as well.
After writing this, I read "You...you don't like me?" If Erik isn't coming back, I'd totally ignore this suggestion. XDIn the end, it's a great story. As I said before, I liked how you flipped the "asking-out roles."
have a nice day/night!
- Nadya
Thx for reading and yes, I did want to flip the roles!
I always like it when it’s not on the boy to ask for a date. So, already positive feelings for this one 😊
Oh I wish we got a bit more info, maybe a setting description, to really get into Alessia’s head, to really see why it’s THIS specific moment why she asks him out.
Oh no, Erik doesn’t even know her name ^^°
But at least he likes her hair, I guess
I like how you tie this to the other 2 stories :3
Still think that a bit more context for this one, in this story would go a long way!
Also, dialogue formatting, never forget, the comma ~
This is a fun starting point for a story. I feel like this story could be a good introduction to a bigger teen romance story. By itself, it is good, it just needs slightly more depth in my opinion. In the end, you probably just wrote it for fun and wanted to share it with people, which I understand.
it was good and straight to the point. It needs a little more plot and better characters definitions. More story, I know its supposed to be short but its a little too short. Good job nonetheless.
Under my folder on my profile %u201CZeze and Zuzu the clowns%u201D, you%u2019ll see more stories that connect to this.
Thanks for reading!