Swimming in the pool

Hi vampricone! You are my first review in... I don't even know how long. It's been a while! I lost all my flair so my review won't be as nice as the one before mine but I will still give you some (hopefully) helpful feedback.

Alright, so after reading the story, I gave it another glance from top to bottom and I want to point out that this short story is listed under fantasy and supernatural. I was wondering if that was a mistake? The story didn't seem to include any elements of fantasy and/or supernatural.

With that said, the story itself was cute! My overall impression is that while the story was sweet and provided the reader with some emotion, it was also very short and left the reader wanting for more. You did a good job of encapsulating the feeling of being young and enjoying summer with friends. I could feel the happiness radiating through the text and the narrator's desire to stay for just a little while longer with her friends. It's admirable that you were able to display a few different emotions (peace, sadness, and hope) in such a short amount of words.

However, I really do think you could expand more on this if you choose to. For example, you did great with the descriptions of their bathing suits but you could have added more imagery - about the group of them, their surroundings, the pool, the weather, etc. You don't need to go overboard with it, but adding more imagery does help the reader create a mental image and helps them build a connection between themselves and the narrator.

I also think that the emotions present in this story could have been stronger with the use of more descriptive language. Rather than just tell us "Ariana wailed", describe it a bit more. Did she angrily hit the water? Did she behave as a child would react, or was she more mature with her response? How did her friends respond to this news? Just some examples of how you can further build that mental imagery for your readers.

One final criticism I'd like to point out are some typos I noticed:

“We have to leave, now!” Mom said.Ariana laughed as she splashed

as you might have noticed, a space is needed between the period and Ariana.

Ariana smiled at them, they both smiled back at her.

They would see each other again, there was nothing to worry about.

for both of these sentences, I would change the comma to a semi-colon.


I hope this review helped!

~ Iggy

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well this was quite a nicely done piece I think. Really taps into the feelings of contentment and happiness you have in a moment like that and the horrors of having to say goodbye.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Ariana laughed as she splashed Giulia and Emil, the sun shining on the both of them.

They were swimming in the community pool, not a care in the world. Giulia was in a black and purple one-piece leopard print bathing suit, Emil was in blue and white striped swim trunks, Ariana was in a pink one-piece bathing suit that had a tutu on the bottom.

It was a ballerina style bathing suit, her favorite bathing suit that she just had to wear on the day they would all play in the pool.

Well looks like things are going fairly normally there as far as swimming in a pool is concerned. Looks like nothing too complicated going down and overall everyone's doing pretty good. We'll see what happens next.

The sun was hot, but the water was cool. It was perfect, all of it was perfect.

Ariana never wanted the moment to end. She wanted summer to last forever and ever.

“We’re getting ready to go!” Mom yelled.

Go? Go? But they couldn’t leave yet! They were playing together, everything was perfect!

Oooh well that's a relatable feeling no matter what it is. You never want those summer holidays to end, and summer in general and having to leave once you've reached that perfect stage of happiness is the worst.

“I don’t want to go!” Ariana wailed.

“We have to leave, now!” Mom said.Ariana laughed as she splashed Giulia and Emil, the sun shining on the both of them.

Ariana turned to Giulia and Emil. She didn’t want to leave, but neither did they.

“You’ll see each other again, don’t worry.” Mom said.

Ariana smiled at them, they both smiled back at her.

They would see each other again, there was nothing to worry about.

Well that's an interesting ending. Everything about that ending is suggesting the exact opposite is going to happen and they're never going to see each other again but we'll find out.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall I think you've done a great job bringing these feelings to life here. I'm very excited to see what ends up happening with them meeting. It really looks poised for them to lose each other in some way there.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate