Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This story is underneath my folder titled “Zeze and Zuzu the clowns”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1395. Enjoy!*
Alessia screeched as her hands contorted into claws. Bones emerged from her back, breaking her skin apart, drawing blood.
Alessia dropped down to the ground, writhing and screaming like a tortured banshee. She was alone in the woods, she was suffering through a Hell of her own making. From her back came out twisted, black, feathery wings. Her hands stretched into claws, her teeth sharpened to that of a monster. On Alessia’s head, there glowed a black halo that dropped red.
Alessia had apologized to those she did wrong, but she still hurt them anyway. She was neither an angel nor a devil.
She was a corrupted angel. Not good enough for Heaven, but not evil enough for Hell. Alessia would be pulled from Heaven and Hell. Sometimes she would stay in Earth. She knew this just as she knew how to breathe in life. It was instinct, it was natural.
At the moment, Alessia was being pulled down to the terrors of Hell.
There’s a good deal of people who say not to be bad or you will go to Hell. As if Hell were the worst thing in the world. Alessia had apologized to those she murdered. They forgave her, because they could not hold grudges and had to move on.
But the universe does not forget. Murder cannot be atoned for, no matter how sorry one may be. She was granted the gift to go to Heaven, but still pulled to Hell.
Hovering between realities is a far worst fate than suffering in only one.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi creeperfeverdreams! Last review day many months ago I reviewed some of the first works in this series, and now, i'm here to review the latest. I remember earlier that Alessia was the character that was jealous of Andrea and Carter, and now, I'm excited to see how she thinks. In the immediately proceeding work, she is very as she likes Carter, but Andrea gets to keep her. Additionally, at the dance, she is put off by Erik, leaving her feeling empty.
Having Alessia be the catalyst for the clowns existence is finally clarified more here, as she faces penance for what she did to them. In your first line, you immediately captivate the viewer with the imagery, as Alessia transforms into a monster. By adding adjectives like "like a tortured banshee" to your verbs, you emphasize the thought and make it more terrifying to imagine. You also use very strong words, like "contorted", which add to the moment and make the bodily horror worse. I like the idea that she turned into a corrupted angel instead of a devil, especially using the tenants of Christianity, which says that you can atone for your sins, but you still will be judged. I like the idea that her murderers forgive her and she is redeemed in the eyes of god , but the universe has not, because she committed a sin of envy and needs to be punished regardless. I always felt when reading religious texts that was a little bit strange and I like that you expanded it by putting through her own personal hell. I don't know if it was intentional or if it was just for the plot, but good usage of that motif.
I do feel though, that corrupted angel may be a little bit of a strong word because that is usually reserved for generally good people who have a fatal flaw or committed a fatal crime In the story, Alessia seems to be a little less redeemable, since she was jealous and manipulative the whole time, except for the fact that she could confess for her crimes. Emphasizing the nature of her punishment and the next story would be a good idea as it would provide context and justification.
Overall, a solid explanation. Now, it makes sense what is going on with the beginning of the story.
Thx for reading!
o_o GET OUT!
WOW!!! This is such a good short story. This is the type of stuff I have been missing out on. I need to read mor supernatural stuff. To be honest, I am in love with this draft. My sister hates reading but when I read her this, she started saying "WHAT BOOK IS THAT?! I WANT TO READ IT!" I told it was just a short story, and she literally said I was lying. This is the first time I saw my sister so indulged in hearing pieces of a book.
(Alessia screeched as her hands contorted into claws. Bones emerged from her back, breaking her skin apart, drawing blood.) Once I read the first line I just kept reading. This needs to become a book and put in stores. This is the stuff people should be buying. Keep writing my friend.
Please make this into a chapter book. My sister would love it.
Well, I%u2019m glad to hear that you and your sister liked it! All of these stories are under my folder on my profile %u201CZeze and Zuzu the clowns%u201D if you%u2019re interested.