I Don't Want to be Better
.......................................
I would rather die than be immortal,
always fail than pass each test.
Never sing a single solo,
be the worst instead of best.
Please, I beg you, leave me here,
just go and soar through your own sky.
Leave me here, all alone, I ask you.
Please let me watch you learn to fly.
I would rather be forgotten
than when I go, cause a world of pain.
I would prefer to stay here, lost,
than have you come back for me again.
If I were a rocket, I'd be your thruster,
throwing you up into the sky.
I would rather have you be in space,
than you crying as you watch me die.
I would love it if you surpassed me,
you don't need me as your friend.
I would just go and hold you down
when everything is at it's end.
I want you to live out your dreams,
do the things I never could.
If giving you my everything
will help you soar,
I'll tell you now...
I would.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hey! This is a review, but not on the poem structure but more on the ideology. I like the poem, expecially some of the lines like,
However, I don't think the ideology or the view I get from this poem is a good one to have. You started out with it seemingly a self-made decision to be the worst rather than the best because possibly there's nothing to esteem to? Or not wanting to get hurt? Or not wanting to get too much of a good thing? Whatever it was, it was an individual opinion on life, and I thought in a way, that was sad, but beautiful in it's own way. But, doing those things, or wanting those things for someone else is questionable. This really isn't to change your poem, but to just let you know my reaction from reading it, and express why I don't think I agree with the possible message. xD I like the poem to some extent, but if the message is that loving someone, or caring about someone means you should hold yourself back and want less, I wouldn't agree with that. It's good to care about what your loved ones would go through if you're hurt and all, but to sacrifice living life with that intention, may be doing the opposite. If the character (who expresses these ideas in your poem) cares about their loved one, they would want to be better.
Again, just my opinion, and for you to see a different perspective.
When it comes to the poems structure, finding ways to reorder would be helpful,
for example the same quote that I said was one I liked could be edited like below,
Have a good day! xD
I'm just saying here, I do not always agree with what I write at times, too. I write from experiances in my own life, to some extent, but I do not have those same world views (usually) as I do now. It must seem odd, to find a writer who doesn't agree with what they write, but the majority of the time, it makes sense to me. I used to have slight depression, I think, to some extent, even if I never told anyone or let it show. I am better now, and I do not let myself slip back into that mind set if can help it. Sometimes, however, left over fragments of those feelings come back to haunt me, and often, poetry or stories are the results...
but don't worry about me, ok? Also, thank you for the review!
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
Okay I have to keep this review short because I'm on a school computer and class is about to end.
I really enjoyed this. Everything was very beautiful, holding a lot or meaning, and additionally, it rhymed! (I love a good rhyme) Rhyming (Especially on a long-ish poem like this) takes time and effort and really shows how much work you put into your stories/poems. I liked the layout too. The movement in the words and sentences added to the smooth flow.
One thing though-
This could be better. 'make you successful' is very plain, direct. Try something figurative, maybe 'If I could give you everything to watch you fly' (Not the best flow, just an quick example) If you don't want figurative language here, try something along the lines of 'let you triumph' 'let you succeed'Just a bit of simple rewording/word switching.
Hope this helped a bit!
Keep up the amazing work!
-ChocolateCello
Thank you for the review!
Hi Chhlovebooks!
First of all: this is beautiful. I have some suggestions for it, but still the concept is great and you carried it out well.
Here, I might say instead, "always fail, not pass the test." I'm not sure about that one.
These are some of the nicest lines, but I think that "please" is slightly overused, even though I know you want repetition. Maybe simply saying it once or twice would make it stand out as a single plea. I'm not sure, but I would try, "Please, I beg you, leave me here,/go soaring through your own sky./Please leave me here, I ask of you./let me watch you learn to fly." Again, these are beautiful, so I out ask you to change them. It's just something to think about.
Wow. This is amazing! When I read this aloud, it just seemed to need an added syllable in each, something like, "I would rather have you be in space,/than be crying as you watch me" but read it out loud and decide things for yourself.
Sorry if I was nitpicking, this really is wonderful. I can't wait to see some more of your writings!!
-Falco
Thank you so much for the review! I am glad for the nitpicking because it helps me make my poems even better! ^\/^ best of luck!
Hello, hello!! RagingLive once again here to review one of your awesome works!!
First of all, this is powerful. You have the true signs of an aspiring writer for this to just come to you and you be able to write this down! Kudos to you!!
There were just a few minor inconsistencies that I want to point out:
The sequence I have pasted above was very touching to me, however I spotted something that might need revision. The first sentence posted has 8 syllables. The third has 10. I normally try to stay within a one syllable variance so I suggest that you strike something from the third to even it all up. Here are a few examples of what you might be able to do:
"Please leave me
hereall alone, I ask you""Please leave me here
allalone, I ask you"I would suggest slipping the 'when' down to the next sentence so that it reads a bit easier.
"I would just go and hold you down / when everything is at its end"
This was my favorite. Earlier this year I had a good friend die of cancer and so this kind of struck home with me.
This was a bit of a mouthful at the end, but since it is at the end it is allowed to be different. However, if you are looking to smooth it out, I do have a suggestion!
"I want you to live out your dreams / do the things I never could / If giving you my everything will / I'll tell you now . . . I would"
Or maybe that makes no sense to you, but it's your decision because it is your poem!
I really love your writing, and like I said, you have great potential if stuff like this just comes to you!!
So, above all else, please keep writing and keep on smiling!
~RagingLive
I'm glad that my poems and stories are able to strike home with those who read my works, it makes me feel both happy and sad that I can play to the tune of the heart strings of those who drink ofrom the pools that spring from my fount of inspiration... sorry random author moment. Either way, thank you for the review and thank you for supporting me by reading more than one of my stories/poems. ^\/^
Greetings, this is slightly less professional than what I usually do, but this kinda came to me out of no where, and I had no paper so I wrote it out here before I forgot... I really need to go buy some paper now... =_= Either way, please comment and tell me what you think!