I am blind and yet I see
all the great souls before me,
Though my eyes are dark, never to see light,
I sense their souls, flaming bright.
For kindness and passion
to protect they swore,
for these they dare
to go to war.
Ready to defend those broken and chained,
to ease all suffering, to end all pain,
taking the burdens of all they meet,
and while this alone is quite a feat,
they have gone the extra mile,
for upon every face, a radiant smile!
Through sickness, through love,
through sorrow and strife,
even through death, they give their lives.
An army of children, with hearts of gold,
so many stories, left untold!
Of how the young accomplish
what was left undone,
by adults and nay-sayers,
by everyone!
How they still act so innocent and free,
I do not know ,
but even in suffering,
with them I would gladly go...
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
I really like this! Well done! And, also, welcome to YWS! I don't see any spelling errors and your rhyme scheme is nearly perfect, so good job!
There are two main problems that I see here, the first of which being the lack of punctuation at the end of each line. Some of them have exclamation points and one has a comma, but I believe that is not enough. I'm not judging by the number of times you used punctuation, but the way it effects your poem. In poetry, the main punctuation is commas, because periods tend to only show up at the end of stanzas for reading purposes. Commas really help the mood of a poem, to help certain points or statements stick out, make things more dramatic, or just let the reader breathe. 'Cause commas are almost always put where people would take a breath, and, as there are limited periods in a poem, we need to breathe somewhere, right? Yeah, most of us aren't reading your poetry out loud, but we are reading in our heads like we are speaking it. So, commas at the end of every line or so to influence the mood and help us breath would be a really, really beneficial thing to add.
Also, capitalization! Unless you are making the stylistic choice to lack any capitalization, it is almost always mandatory at the beginning of each line. You do this throughout the beginning of the poem, but you lack it in a few spots at the bottom.
Also, in the punctuation department, periods can be helpful, just in fewer spots than commas. Now, since this is an influential poem, explanation points may, and probably will in your case, be used more often. I would like to point out that end-sentence punctuation makes a great spot for stanzas, which I think are necessary in all but a few stylistic poems. So stanzas would be quite welcome in this poem, and helpful to the reader, which is generally one of the main goals of writing anything. So five or so stanzas would be nice and influential throughout this poem.
Well, besides those few points, your poem is fine! I really do like it, and you did a fantastic job of writing it. Keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more of your things in the future!
~racket
Thank you, and I agree about my lack of punctuation... how ever, I have a small problem. How do you create stanzas on an I pad?
Hello, and welcome to YWS!! I hope you like it here as much as I do and that you learn a lot from the people here!
I would scratch 'though' because it will cut out one syllable and make it easy to read, but it won't compromise the meaning of this line.
Since you just mentioned light in the previous sentence, this is monotonous and kind of annoying. What if we did something like this:
"I sense their souls, flaming bright"
This was my favorite part. It reminded me to never forget that at times we need the simple wisdom and faith of a child.
My only advice to you would be to watch your rhyming pattern because at times it seemed a little disjointed. Also, remember that punctuation at the end of one of your lines can change whether the next word on the next sentence should be capitalized. I saw a few problems with that as well.
Here's crossing my fingers to see more of your work!!
*Hits 'Like' button"
Keep writing and keep on smiling!
~RagingLive
Thank you so much! I am happy for the critisism and I shall go fix some of these errors.
Welcome to the Young Writer's Society!!!!!! Hopefully I didn't hurt your ears, that was pretty loud.
I hope you love it here and will feel tremendous joy when you look back at your first published work in a year and see just how far you've come. Being on this site has improved my writing a lot and I hope it does the same for you. Anyway, I should probably read this poem and get on with my review. 
For upon every face, a radient smile!
This is just a nitpick, but radiant has an A instead of an E.
But I do know this... even in suffering
With them I would gladly go...
Since you already used the word 'know' in the previous line, this sounds a little repetitive. My advice would be the remove I do know this and just have But even in suffering. I think that would still flow nicely.
It's a beautiful story you've got here. Even though it's a poem, I love the story you've written about. To me, the old (are they old?) blind person was telling us about the bravery and hope which the young radiate, even when they have to deal with all the problems adults hand down to them. Adults who have lost hope, which the old person no doubt had, until he saw the youth and that hope was regained. That's my interpretation at least. This a lovely poem. Please keep sharing your writing with us!
WELCOME!
This is going to be my first time reviewing a poem, so if this review sucks then, well, blame me? Idk.
Just to begin with, I absolutely loved this poem. I love the rhyming (actually I like any poem that rhymes) and how you managed to make it about war (my praise means nothing as I know nothing about poems...)
Plus I'm usually not that interested in war so... good job!
This line would sound better if you removed "again".
This line has too many syllables and kinda ruins the flow of the poem (in my opinion).
I dunno, "gladly" doesn't really fit in here.
Just know that you don't have to listen to a word I just said because I am a complete idiot when it comes to poems.
Happy Writing!
Phoenix out.
Thanks for the review and for pointing out my errors! I shall try to respond to most reviews that come my way, and I fixed some of the problems you pointed out. I specialize in poetry and short stories and in my opinion at least, your review is relativly good. Thanks!
Greetings, this is my first written work on YWS so I hope you like it!