Bedtime Heartaches

Hey, chhlovebooks!

This is very beautifully written and I really like it! I only have a few small nitpicks with it.

I'm not going to point out anywhere specifically because I feel as though the nitpicks are very general!

Ok, so, in some lines and others, it rhymes like it seems it is supposed to. Then, I am thrown off because no other lines near it rhyme to each other. Maybe the rhyming in the first few lines were unintentional? Maybe the near rhymes were unintentional? But, it seemed like you tried to make certain things rhyme that certainly weren't going to.

Another thing; some lines were slightly indented? I'm guessing just a spacing accident but it threw me off when I read it.

Last one!
[Quote ]I only, really, want to sleep

until this dreadful world, finally,

says goodbye, and gives up on me. [/Quote]

Okay, so, here, and in a few other places, most of the commas seem very excessive and uneccesary. I don't think this poem needs all of those pauses. They become too extranneous.

Anyway, sorry for all the bashing. This is quite beautiful in my opinion and I really like it! This poem has a lot of potential and many can relate. That's great to have in a poem.

Keep writing!,
~Tiff

Hello chhlovebooks, here for a review!
So first of I love the fact you used the word mommy as a start of because it immediatly gives an impression and vibe of innocence and the reader has an image of a young child speaking. Having said that and taking in that innocent image created I do feel as I read the poem that the theme of this one is not very appropriate to having a child as the main character. Your message is pretty dark and it talks about pain and not wanting to suffer anymore, so as much as I try to image a child that had gone through the worst in his life I still can't picture a child as the character to this poem. It's just that the way you wrote it there is a lot of suffering and even in a few verses slight mention to suicide so I think it's too strong for having a child.

In terms of grammar and structure I only have to say that maybe you could try to play a little bit more with the visual aspect of a poem. You could have stanzas for once and then play with it. Have italized words or whole verses and stanzas, have the poem in the center of the page, whatever you can do tons of different things in the same poem and have fun doing it.

Either way, you have a good way of expressing feelings, your descriptions are good enough to make the reader know exactly what the subject is going through.

Keep writing and hope to see more!

Hey, runawaylove here to review your poem!
First of all what I loved was the usage of "mommy" at the beginning. It gives the whole poem the point of view of a child and adds to it an innocence which takes the it to a whole new level. It is sort of heartbreaking that the child just wants to go to bed to rest at ease. The subject matter is beautiful and the simple words used makes it more childlike and realistic.

I personally love poems that rhyme and this one does sometimes but it feels a but scattered. It seems like sometimes the poem rhymes but other times it does not. For example the second an fourth line rhyme but the sixth and eighth does not. The fifth line rhymes with the eighth line. This disrupts the flow of the poem and confuses the reader.

Mommy, please let me go to bed.
I just want to forget, in a (way),
all the awful things that have happened,
and all the cruel things people (say).
I'm so tired, I just want to close my (eyes).
I only, really, want to sleep
until this dreadful world, finally,
gives up on me and says good (bye).

Moreover, this poem could have been arranged into stanzas. That would make it look well-structured and properly arranged. Other than that everything is fine. The poem flows beautifully. I particularly loved the repetition of the phrases "forget the pain" and "heart is whole again." This poem contains a remarkable message behind it but it has scope for improvement. And these are just suggestions and what I think. My favourite lines were:

"Until, someday, I can awake,

knowing my heart is whole again"