We are happy as we are
We will get angrier with each other
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You say that you love me
You will say that I’m worth nothing
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We are the school’s talked about couple
We will be a part of school’s quick history
*
The truth about forever is that love will forever last
The truth about forever will be that you lied to me
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Canary word: Present
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140,474 Literary Works • 673,243 Reviews
Knight r4 returning for another review, ccw! I certainly hope this helps you. The title of this poem caught my eye and since you are new to YWS I thought that I would give you another review. Hey, it is even Christmas in July. Well it will be in less than three hours at any rate.
Goes of to review another of your poems
Again I noticed that you didn't have any punctuation aside from a few apostrophe's. It isn't a big deal in one sense. I even have trouble with it. And personally find it kind of annoying. However that doesn't mean it isn't important. Punctuation Rant Ends.
Okie-dokie...what else do I have to say? I liked the theme of tense changes! Good job on that end of things! The second line of the third stanza was a little confusing to me. I understand what you mean but I thought it didn't really line up with the rest of the poem.
I was also glad to see that this was a little bit longer than the first poem I tackled. (Knights of the Green Room terminology). I also like the fact that your poems actually make sense, unlike some poems I have read.
In light of the fact that I don't like romance or poetry a ton I thought that this was a good poem. Well I think that is all that I have to say aside from, HAPPY WRITING!!!
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
First off, great job on keeping up a consistent enjambment. Your lack of punctuation makes a bigger statement than you think; for me, it meant a lack of closure, or maybe a lack of a true ending, thus keeping with the theme of eternity.
Awh wow nice last punch-in-the-face of a sentence there!
Let's begin.
Nitpicks!
Spoiler
I think "talked about," should be hyphenated, since it's an adjective.
And that's the only nitpick I could find.
Content
Spoiler
Each stanza furthers the story of these two in their own ways. The first stanza sets the foundation, the second presents a conflict, the third takes a new perspective, and the fourth ends the story with a swift roundhouse kick to my heart. Great job on keeping the ball rolling, and keeping it short. Normally, I'm more of a fan of poems that rhyme but I honestly didn't even notice the lack of a rhyme scheme in this. I was more interested in the story than in the mechanics.
The only thing I'd work on is stronger diction. I mean, your words are great and everything but they didn't /wow/ me. I wasn't /wowed/ until the end sentence. Next time, pick stronger words. Make an impact on your reader with the words you choose.
Overall, good job!
Conclusion
So this was a really short review, but that's only because I couldn't find much to complain about! Your mechanics are flawless, but your diction is a little lacking. Overall, it was good, especially that last sentence! So I'll give you seven stars out of ten for your good poem! Keep writing!!