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Sparrows

by ccwritingrainbow


I mostly found sparrows in Florida
I went every summer with my family,
And we watch them pick up the popcorn bits
As we walk through the Disney parks

***

Earlier this summer,
There was a nest stuck in our new roof
I've never seen so many sparrows
Fly in front of my bedroom window before

***

Their presence didn't last long though

After the last rainstorm,
The nest fell
No baby sparrow made it out alive and matured

***

I'll be leaving soon
I'm going to spread my own wings and fly
To where I'm going
All the other sparrows will be doing the same thing


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272 Reviews


Points: 3655
Reviews: 272

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Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:04 pm
cleverclogs wrote a review...



Hello there, and I wish you a somewhat belated welcome to YWS!

First things first: I can't tell if this is meant to have punctuation or not. You have a few commas, but nothing more. The commas make me wonder if the rest of the poem is supposed to be punctuated as well. The lack of punctuation gave me a feeling of randomness and disconnection, like the words were just kind of floating around, and I don't really think it's meant to be that way. Even if the lack of punctuation was intentional, I think it might help if you added some anyway.

I agree with RoyalHighness in that your ending line was kind of weak. It seems kind of straightforward and doesn't really fit in with all your other lines. Maybe change it to something a bit better?

Now, for what I liked. I enjoyed the metaphor in the last stanza. I also like the third stanza; it kind of surprised me, because you've been talking about sparrows the whole time. Sparrows strike me as more happy, and here you have this darkness in your poem. I liked that. I also liked how it captured the fleetingness of life. Good job!

Overall, great poem! I enjoyed reading it. :) Keep on writing!




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11 Reviews


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Sat Jul 12, 2014 10:13 am
Scottylaa wrote a review...



Hey, I thought I would give a review since you reviewed mine. I really like this poem because of the emotion it symbolizes and kinda what it means behind it. I can also see the story symbolizing growing up as a person from teenager to adult and spreading your own wings by moving out and so on. ]-[

At first I was thinking "this doesn't really rhyme much" but I realized its not about that or the quick flow its about the emotion the words mean themselves and what the whole poem shows and makes the reader think about . Again this is a great poem and I cant fault most of it but I dont know how to mark this down technically so Im giving this a big thumbs up!

I like poems like this where its not about the rhymes its about the meaning and you have a great meaning behind this poem.




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21 Reviews


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Sat Jul 12, 2014 8:00 am
porcupinestrongwill wrote a review...



i think this was a real nice read. i was caught off guard with the ending metaphor. i guess it was because the introduction was too slow for me for some reason. or maybe it's just me and my slow thinking, since reading this whole thing again, it has actually a nice pace.

thanks. keep writing.




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184 Reviews


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Reviews: 184

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Sat Jul 12, 2014 3:24 am
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Alright, lovely thingy you've got here. I don't see any mechanical mistakes so I'll just skip to the Content review!

Content

Spoiler! :
So this was really good; I love a good metaphor, and what's a better metaphor for starting a new chapter in your life than birds? I love birds, thus I was instantly drawn to your poem.
I like the first stanza because it gave us a really nice image to set the foundation for the rest of the story that's being told in the other stanzas.
I like the second stanza because it furthers the story, and breathes a new life into what was set up in the first stanza. I mean, who doesn't love watching birds fly by their window?
The third stanza gave me little chills; every line was perfectly crafted to draw an emotion from the reader.
The fourth stanza was a little bit of a weak ending, but I mean, I can't complain because I don't know a better way of ending it anyway. So good job! For next time, I'd work on your diction and imagery; your words are a little weak, and I would've loved to see some more imagery to further connect the birds to your life. Just a thought! :)





Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
— Sir James Dewar, Scientist