Just a Dream

Hello! I'm here to save you from the clutches of the green room!

This was a cute little simple poem. Sometimes I think simple poems may be the most honest because they're the ones that come to us naturally. We don't suddenly have a thought in the form of a sonnet. So this was nice, and simple, and honest.

I like your use of the word "dreamt." I dunno, I don't see that word too often, and I like the way it looks and the way it sounds. Your first line seems to be an simple, straightforward sentence, just based on the connotations of each word singly, but when you put them together, they pack a little bit of an emotional lunch. Dreaming about someone, and remember it, and caring about it means that that person means a lot. I was about to say that it packed an emotional punch, but then I remembered how cliche it is, to dream about someone. This is a bit of a cliched poem in general. But to change that would be to change the whole poem. Maybe you could think about how to lessen that cliche?

I'm not sure where the emphasis falls on this second line. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. But if you wanted one word in particular emphasized, I recommend italics. (for example:
"You smiled, for once, at me.") But you most definitely do not have to do that.

The third line confuses me. Especially the last word. Is there a typo there, or am I just not reading it right? I would think that the "right" is just an extra word?

The fourth line, again, is cliche now I look at it. It seemed like a nice little poem at first, but now I read it, it's just too cliche for my taste. I sound like a broken record! Sorry for that. Maybe you could find something else to say that's really unique, to balance out the cliche-ness?

I hate when stories end with that phrase! Maybe you could edit that somehow? To make it less cliche (in the sense that dreams are kinda cliche) and less really cliche (in the sense that that's a dumb way to end a novel. I wouldn't call it dumb to end a poem this way, but I'm not happy about it ). Unless of course its there for satirical purposes, but it doesn't read like it is.

I personally like this poem and I don't care about the cliches, but others might and that's what I'm protecting you from. ^_^
That third line is wonky though.

Great job! Thanks for sharing this with us! Keep writing!
~fortis

I like this poem, but it leaves me wanting more! What I do when i write a short poem like this is I just save it as a draft and later when i feel like it, come back, re-type it, and just keeep writing... unless YOU feel it's enough. When writing a poem it's best to do what YOU feel like doing.

I love short poems like these! I think that it's amazing when a writer can express such emotion is so few lines. I think I like the first two lines the most. Just for some constructive criticism, because I do love the poem, but perhaps you could add a little more detail, not necessarily about the person just about how it felt rather than the fact you both are not meant to be. Because to me the second line captures the essence that you aren't lovers, you aren't meant to be, but I did love it! Keep writing!

Hey ccwritingrainbow,

Wow, this is pretty short but amazing!! In only five lines, you have successfully revealed your feelings about that special person.
I would like to say this could be a little longer. This is not a negative comment; in fact, I would like to see more of these feelings of yours. The piece would be more effective and arousing to the readers that way. Also, if you do make it a little longer, you could try to use some imagery. (E.g. how he/she looks like, his/her personality, how you feel about being star-crossed lovers, etc.)

Overall, as I said, I loved the piece. No grammar or spelling error, which is good. Keep up with the great work. (And I hope that special person will come to you soon. Remember that you are not alone. Everybody experiences that horrible unrequited love). Good luck!