-after the sculptures by Giuseppe Muzzuoli and Auguste Rodin
*****
Those dastards
Damn the boar for my blood split on the land before my feet
Damn the jealous hearts for taking away every breath I have left
The pain stabs me like a knife through bread
I am dehydrated, and blood won't quench my thrist
My heart, it breaks for her, Venus
The peace of war, key to love,
And the one who carries my dying corpse in her bloody arms
Her tears stain my face as my eyes grow dim
Our melancholy farewell kills me more than my wounds
Venus, my darling, forgive my forceful leave from this world,
But I swear to return when you feel lonely
I swear to be your guide back to your gifted calling,
For I am your one, only
Adonis
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
'Ello, SecreteJournalist here (but feel free to call me Brie if ya please) for a quick review on this lovely little poem.
First off, the nitpicks.
First line I notice 'Those dastards' and I think you meant to say, correct me if I'm wrong, 'Those bastards'.
Though not necessary, I feel as though you could add 'cutting' or 'slicing' through the bread for a more descriptive tone. Though, don't feel pressured into doing so, it's just a suggestion.
Either than that, I've found nothing else to nitpick. So, quickly, I'll go through a small bit a praise (though you deserve much more praise).
I like how you've given us a scenario without really stating what it is. Most people can't do this, and you've done it rather well. The poem is tragic, heart-striking, yet wonderful. Keep writing, I'd love to read more!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hey C.C, firstly, welcome to the website. Hope your enjoying it so far.
Now on to the review.
The first line "dastards", I think you meant "bastards", if not, that's okay. Now this line, I'm not completely sure what art pieces you are referring to, but I think there was a typo here. "Her tears stain my faces..." Did you mean "face"? That's all I see, other than that great poem.