I heard them arguing about me and what I am, I didn’t know what if I was the problem for him to leave. The last time I saw him is when he walked right out, he didn’t even tell me good bye. Then two weeks later my mother left the house after I got on the bus to school, but bout time I got home, she wasn’t there waiting for me at the bus stop. So I walked up the stairs thinking she was preparing a Good supper for me. Up the stairs into the apartment door, and I opened the apartment door. I didn’t see her, so I called for her, “momma, momma!” but no answer, I went to the fridge and opened it up and there was a note on the milk saying.
“I’m sorry but I have to leave you, I needed a man who can take care of me, So I left with Ryan and he doesn’t want kids around, I love him too much to let him go, it was either him or you, and I chose Ryan. I know we had some hard times but will work it out, I know you might have some unanswered questions in your head that you can’t answer, but I hope one day you will and understand what I had to go through, and I have nothing to Offer to you. If you need anything ask someone, because I’m not coming BACK,
Love mom.”
That night I cried myself to sleep, knowing my Mother left me for some man. Since then that shit stuck in the back of my head; Years went pass bye but nothing happened have been taking care of myself for five year after my mom left, I got a job working form a woman named Mrs. Tuner helping her with her groishes and cutting her yard in the morning, then in the after-noon I go handle some business in the streets, selling dough is the main thing on my mind. Fuck Family and friends Expect my home boy Jason, he been with me since day one. Ever since she left, sometimes I wish I cloud just forget but it’s not that easy to.
“Aye!” Jason called from across the street, while walking towards me. “Yeah bruh!’
“What are you doing today, because I have a whole bunch of girls over my house tonight, parent gone for the weekend,” Jason asked, patting me on my back. “Now you know if your momma come in the house and all those kids in there?” I said laughing. “Main, there not going to be back for the whole weekend, Eric. We don’t have nothing to worry about. Got the whole house to our self’s.” “Are you sure, because you said that the last time and look were that got us?” We stopped walking then he turned facing me. “We don’t have to worry about that, just tell me if you coming or not?” “Yeah, I guess I go,” “Okay well it starts at nine.”
“Alright I’ll be there, I’m going to call you when I’m there so keep your phone on you.”
“Alright Son Party tonight!at 9:00.” He yelled. In my head my head I just keep thinking like how in the hell am I friends with him.
Party Time
“I pulling up at the house now, where are you?” On the phone talking to Jason. “I’m inside in the back yard cooking up something to eat?” “ight I’m coming in now,” Hanging the phone up. I walked to the fence to the backyard. And when I walked in I noticed this girl, couldn’t help but stare until, she looked my way. She was gorgeous, her skin glowed like honey, and her eyes where a light brown, and her hair is dark brown, but blond at the end curly like someone had put a rollers in it, but it was all natural. She stuck out in the crowd to me that I just wanted to go over and talk to her but then I seen Jason walking towards me.
“Aye, son I see you finally made it,” he said. “I told you I was coming didn’t I?”
“Yeah, you see all these girls her?, Babe number one, babe number two. Oh wait there goes you one, look at her she giving you that eye to come over...” Eric cut him off. “Yeah, yeah I see her, but ummm I’ll be right back, okay?” while walking away ignoring his voice. I was walking to her but then this girl came up to me.
“Hey Daddy, my name is Anna yours?” Handing me her hand to shake. I didn’t not want to be with her the whole night.
“I’m Eric, but ill see you later.” I said. Then she staidly keept going and going talking to me, I didn’t want to listen and next thing you know that girl came over.
“He baby is everything okay?” She said.
“Yeah, im fine”
“How are you?” Anna asked.
“I’m his girl, is that a problem. No didn’t think so, bye” She said while grabbing my hand pulling me to dance with her.
“You know you didn’t have to do that?” I said.
“Yes I did, you didn’t want to talk to her anyway.”
“How do know?”
“Would you just say thank you?”
“Thank you, but..” she cutt me off placing her finger on my lips, saying “bequit and dance”
I never really listeaned to people but, for some reason she had me in the bag, it was like she already knew me, before everything happened and finally I couldn’t remember a thing I just wanted to dance. Suddnely the music changed into slow cuddling music. She put her arms around my neck and her head on my sholder. I was feeling her, I wrapped my arm around her waste and I cloud feel her shiver. I knew I was doing something right. We danced all night till 2 a.m. and then we sat all night talking, until we fell asleep.
She woke on his chest sleeping on the couch.
“Aye what time is it?” She said.
“Its 6:30,”
“Oh shit, I have to go I’m sorry I’ll see you later.” She rushed out the house into her car and left. Driving down the she checked her phone, and she had 20 missed calls from her parents. Calling her Mother “Hello” “Hello momma” “
“Where are you at child?”
“I’m on my way I fell asleep at Ciara’s house and lost track of time?”
“Okay, well you better get her before your farther wakes up before you have some explanation for him and I know you wasn’t at her house last night, but ill make an sugguset you better not be out this late again.”
“Okay momma I’m not, bye love you”
“Okay momma I’ll see you we I get there?”
I got up after she left, and walked into the kitchen going outside and I found Jason outside laying on the chair. “Aye, son get up,” I said. “Get up,” I shuck him fixing to through him in the water .
“Aye,aye, aye, stop stop.”
“yeah that’s what I thought wake your ass up.”
“Bruh chill.” “Aye what day is it?”
“Saturday, I think?”
“Well you need to know?”
“Boy, shut up yesterday was Friday wasn’t it?
“Yeah and so today Saturday.”
“Damn and son help me clean ths up before my momma come back home”
“I thought she was coming Sunday?”
“Nope she coming home this after-noon.”
“Jason, are you foreal?”
“Yeah”
“Have you seen this mess?”
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137,545 Literary Works • 672,042 Reviews
Hey there! I like how you tried to capture something in the everyday, something that's common for us to see, but at the same time probably not put much thought into. I appreciate that you tried to make the conversation as realistic as possible, even going as far as writing it in the way we would hear it. The thing is, in your attempt, it got somewhat distracting to read. I mean, I understand that it's how some people talk, but using it that much in your work somehow got me thinking more of what it was they were trying to say rather than the story as a whole. Also, I want to back up what anonymousx said in her review earlier on: I suggest that you make use more of the spell check. As I read through your work, there were times when I had to pause and reread a line because I got confused as to where it was going. Some grammar mistakes that I noticed were punctuation and the use of homonyms (for example: you wrote "waste" rather than "waist").
Another thing I think you could improve on is the way you write your dialogue. I think it'd be even clearer if you dissect the different dialogues to different lines. What I mean by that is, if Eric's dialogue is the first one in the paragraph then Jason's dialogue is the second, then maybe what you could do instead is press the enter button before Jason's turn so that it'd be easier to follow. Next, I'm also curious to why the father left and why the mother thought it'd be okay to leave her child behind over some guy. I get that she loves the man, but really, to leave your son like that to fend for himself is something beyond my understanding. Perhaps there's another reason aside from love that drove her to do it? I don't know, I'm just inferring. Finally, the ending was a little awkward for me. The party ended and all, but it feels like it isn't the proper end to the story. It began with Eric's life, so I sort of expected that it'd go back to him in the end rather than the dialogue on cleaning up the place before Jason's mom comes home. Then again, maybe that's just me.
Overall, you do have an interesting tale to tell, it's just that there were some rough edges that made me drift away from it. I believe if you proofread it and polish it up more, then the story will really shine through. I hope for your writing success. You can do it, Brielle!
Hello, Brielle! I just wanted to let you know that I normally don't do grammar but I will say that there were a lot of spelling issues in your short story. When you post, it usually does spell check so I really suggest going back through and checking to make sure things are spelled right before posting. It will make everything a lot easier to read.
Other then that, I get the general plot of your story. Someone's parents leave them and they're left to fend for themselves and then they go to a party with friends. The plot of this story could be a lot better. I really want to know why his father left them. We know what happened with the mother but what were they arguing about at the beginning? I was also very confused when you said he was selling dough. I'm wondering if he was literally selling dough or actually selling drugs. Dough is usually slang for money, not drugs. I admire how you tried to make the conversation realistic. I know that most people don't go up on the streets saying, "hello, what are you doing tonight?" They're more likely to say things like "Yeah, bruh!" or "Whaddup", ect.
However, I really think that the slang got lost in the story and the word "Aye" was overused. The conversation between Eric and his friend towards the end is also something I was struggling to read. With the spelling issues and way it was written, I got the gist of it but it was still difficult to keep up with.
I really think you have a nice plot going along it just needs to be a little more developed, along with the characters. Thanks so much for sharing with us!