Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I need Someone to heal my broken soul
I tried to Hide back the tears so they wont know.
I hold my feelings in so much, I feel like im about to burst. Burst into flames
I guess thats why my feelings just kept caving in,
Its like im trapped into my Emotions, and hard for me to let go
When I was so Deep in love. Then I drowned in sorrow
Trying to climb out of the hole,
But I just keep on falling in.
Its already hard as hell to move on, when im thinking about you
I wish you’ve would’ve said goodbye instead of leaving me in the blind
I didn’t even know what I did wrong for you to treat me this way.
But know I see it clearly, that you don’t need me.
Having fun with her, I hope she makes you happy.
And treats you right. because this woman right here,
right now, is not going to be here when she hurts you.
because you will never find A Good Woman like me.
I ask myself Why?
Why love had to hit me by surprise
And Left me in the cold
Pain hit me in the blind, taking with him half of me.
Man, I wish I was never in love with you
Its making a hole in my heart, And it keeps on digging into the ground.
Maybe be someone can take my heart. Im not using it anyway.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,753 Reviews
Hi there! Something key to remember, it is always better to show, not tell. So instead of saying "heal my broken soul", which can come across as cliche and flat, try a metaphor that may give you a bit more variation. Metaphors are your friends, and you will start using them in regular conversation, but don't be concerned, that is a good sign! For example, instead of "trapped in my emotions", you could say, "trapped in a glass house, and the walls all have pictures of you".
Great job, keep writing!
KP
Hello, I'm Phoenix and I'll be reviewing your poem today!
First, I can feel that you're heart broken from this, but it doesn't have detail too it. You use a lot of bland statements, without imagery. Let's take your line; "And Left me in the cold", and turn it into:
"You left me nude, to freeze
on the coldest winter night,
with the wind flowing by my body
I couldn't fight it for long."
See, you can take a line and make it into a nice descriptive stanza.
Ah, stanza, that reminds me, you only seem to have one giant stanza. That doesn't look nice, try to make it into multiple.
Another thing I notice is that you have words capitalized that don't belong capitalized! Like "Someone" in the first line, and "Hide" in the second, there are many more.
Also, I can't explain it, but your words are jumbled up, they don't sound right when I read it, and it sounds gross. "Maybe be someone can take my heart." that doesn't sound right at all, that "be" doesn't belong there.
If you ever need a review, I'm here!
- Phoenix
This is wonderfully heartbreaking and from what I can infer it is about an abusive relationship and how the guy cheats on the narrator. You do a pretty good job with the wording and the electing emotion and I always like rhyming. I think it's intentional but I would like to point out the capitalization is in the wrong in some spots. Good job!