This is a review, choose to take what you will out of it.
Okay you got a reason to write but it's literally the same to me as a generalized problem that most teenagers feel and there is a few things in writing poetry that you need to purge to express your uniqueness and emotions effectively.
perfect example;
Everyone is fake in my eyes,
This is slang, a broad term that is empty; it has a different meaning to every person thus it has no meaning at all. We need to purge it and rid all of it out of this. Not to mention it's a cliche, what makes this any different then everyone's problem? Everyone experiences fake people but what is special about that word is the part that we can't see; your definition, your anger, the images, the revelations in your head that you attach to these people. We want inside your head but you're blocking us out with general sayings.
cliché
You left me in the cold wondering when you well return.
Im Cinderalla looking for my prince
I thought you were my Prince coming to Save me, But instead It was a Beast
when you got a hole in your heart
There are more cliches but I think you get the idea of what they are-
Now we all get what your saying but only because these ideas your throwing out have been thrown at us since we were born. Every time something is said or listened to it looses more meaning; think about a married couple who everyday says "I love you" every morning compared to the first time it gets rather meaningless- thus actions like picking flowers ect. are required to bring passion back to the relationship- this hurdle in poetry is hard to understand and even harder to act on but i promise the whole liveliness of a poem is really uniqueness. Basically, to summarize cliches have no emotional impact anymore, they need to be purged from your writing.
The last thing that needs to be purged is wordiness. Think of each word coming at a cost; try to squeeze meaning into fewer and fewer words, get to the point faster and i promise it will be more emotional.
lastly, this poem is written more like a paragraph with line breaks. There is no rhythm to it, even if you feel that rhythm you have to try and get everyone to feel the same thing as you by using punctuation line breaks ect. This is lacking in the poem.
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Most people even famous does not use correct grammar when writing poetry- poetry is something you feel and clarity can help that but when we understand things clearly it is ok to not use correct grammer. However here are some nit-picks which hurt your clarity;
falling into a rabbit whole.
I believe you mean hole instead of whole
turn they back on me wh
their instead of they
wondering when you well return.
will instead of well
but know one understands me
No one instead of know one
So im wondering did i ever had a chance to love again
Do i ever have a chance to love again
There are many grammar errors that I won't point out because it is okay in poetry but anywhere else for that matter it would be wrong.
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Take care, I know you have something in you but you're not pulling it out yet, just trying to get you onto that level where you can express and share your unique memories, ideas ect. Thanks for reading.
Points: 33
Reviews: 131
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