Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
I can’t sleep at night
Because you’re all in my head.
Your eyes caught my attention, but your lips caught me by surprise
Had me Weak in my knees for about a minutes. Clueless as can be I stepped into Love
Where my Heart lay’s at. But fear of you hurting me, by your actions. So I just cover up the road with dirt.
Won’t stop replying in my head
Fucking memories just won’t leave me alone.
Saying that I miss you, and the things we did
Well fuck you boy because this shit isn’t going to happen again.
I covered the road to love with dirt, but you saw right thru my Mess.
You gave me what I needed, you showed me Love and affection.
But I kept pushing you away, but you kept breaking my Walls down
And you was like “When are you going to stop, and just let me in?”
I didn’t want you kill me in your words, so I just lied.
I lied so you won’t break my Heart
Feeling like if I would’ve told you how I really felt.
I would've been left out in the dark.
Because what if you didn’t feel the same way about me.
I Didn't want to be left out in cold
---------------------------------------------------------Its Not Finshed but i Hope Yall like It.---------------------
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,753 Reviews
Hello, brielle! Happy Review day.
I can’t sleep at night
Because you’re all in my head.
Aren't you talking about just one person? If so, the all isn't necessary, because it makes it sound like you're talking about multiple people.
Had me Weak in my knees for about a minutes.
You accidently made minute a plural. Get rid of the 's'.
I covered the road to love with dirt, but you saw right thru my Mess.
Thru is spelt as through.
I Love it how you capitalise love. See what I did there?
It's a cool poem, you were clever in the way that you used a formal language some of the time, then everyday words other times. I liked it. Just fix those few nitpicks and it will be great.
Hello, darling! Let's jump straight into this critique.
This line seems needlessly long, and because of the multiple periods and as a result long pauses in it, you lose the reader again. This might be cool if it was cut up and repunctuated and rethought, but it's honestly just a blockade at this point. Also, "lay's" should be "lays" (unless you're talking about your heart's potato chips) and while most of your sentences in this are full sentences, that fragment in the middle stands out like a sore thumb. It can be an effective fragment, but almost definitely not in the middle of a line.To begin, you start off with something that could be potentially interesting, and then you ruin it by chopping the sentences up into different line lengths with no thought to the flow or rhythm in the piece. I assure you that if you took all the line breaks out of this, it could possibly be half-decent prose, as opposed to how it stands now as a poem.
Why is flow important in poetry? It keeps the reader's eye moving, keeps them sounding out the words, keeps them reading and keeps them interested until the end. As it is, I read the first two lines and go "ooh, nice" and move onto the rest and completely lose interest. The flow in your third line is honestly just wonky, and I can't find a good rhythm for the words, so it's tough for me to read past it.
In addition, your image that's continued in that line feels senseless. "Love where my heart lays at" means nothing to the reader, because love is generally presided over by the metaphorical and spiritual heart. It's redundant.
You have a lot of spelling and grammar errors throughout this that distract me and make this difficult to read; I'm going to suggest a thorough personal proofreading, then perhaps ask someone else to read through and see if they can spot anything. Overall, I think there's something here, but you're going to have to work hard to unearth it from the cliches that you have in the middle of the piece—interesting beginning, but the middle falls to ruins, trust me. Keep writing!
Theres errors but im not here to point out ur flaws i jus wanted to say that i like it very realistic n relatable . Your way better than me but can u go check out my first poem .
Okay hi.
Several things caught me as I read your poem. 1. your terribly odd capitalization. It doesn't make sense, and frankly, makes your poem look amateur. You also use the wrong words in several places. For example,
minutes should be minute, but I'm not sure how that works anyway, because why would you only be weak for a minute? Perhaps you meant 'had me weak in the knees in minutes'?
I honestly have no idea where you going with this. Where your heart lay's at isn't correct grammar, it should be 'where my heart lays', and why exactly is the narrator afraid of being hurt? We absolutely nothing about the person the narrator is attracted too, all we know is that they made the narrator weak in the knees. You need to expand with some metaphors, here. And then you come out of no where with this 'covering road with dirt' thing. I have NO idea what you were going for. Because up until this point, you've been very straight forward, very little metaphor. What's changed now. It makes no sense, and not only is it out of place and totally out of left field, it also has no place in the actual poem itself.
waiiittttttttt a second. What memories? I thought this person just caught the narrators attention? Why would their be any memories? Do they have a past, or something, that you're not sharing with us?
wait, he's trying to get the narrator back? Why? What happened to make them separate?
Honestly, I have no idea what you were saying through this entire thing. It made no sense, it contradicted itself left and right, and on top of that, it did not resemble poetry at all. There was no imagery, no metaphor, nothing to really sink my teeth into. It was remarkably telly. You mixed up some words here and there, so when you go through it again, try and make those changes I suggested, to clear up some confusion.
-Spark