Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I woke up this morning thinking about him again, on how the way he flattered me into his arms, and his dark blue eyes, that matched the Sky when the sun sets. He was everything I need in a man: Passionate, loving, caring, and Loyalty. But there was something about him that made him evil inside, I could see the scars left on his heart which still remains. And the Hurt in his eyes that made me wonder about him. About why he loves, the way he do and why he acts the way he does. IT was something special that I couldn’t get my mind rapped around him. Ever since I first met him, I didn’t know how important he would be to me in my life, my future. IT all happened in senior year of college.
“Hello, Ms. Johnson,” The Libraryen said.
“Hey, Mr.Mc’Canley,” I said. Walking to the front desk, returning some books. Then that’s when I noticed a strange person that kept peekng out of the bookself to look at me. He looked formeler, so i walked over there to him. Trying not to look creepy, and follow him. I went to the back of the liebraary, here goes nothing i said in my head.
"Hey, my name is Maya,"
End of chapter
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well that was a bit of a journey there that one, as far as first paragraphs that one managed to be quite a rollercoaster in terms of the descriptions. Things started out as wholesome and loving before it did a sudden dive into the territory of secrecy and hidden evil before it then ends on another wholesome note. Soo...I am not quite sure what sort of note you want this story here to be starting off on and that makes things just a tiny bit confusing there..you might want to look into rewording that paragraph to see exactly which vibe you want to give off there at the beginning.
Okayy...looks like this scene then shifts to the scene where the two of them actually met, and well, that's a pretty neat transition there...certainly is appropriate for how it ended there in the first paragraph. Well this appears to be just be your regular shy meeting between perhaps someone that has a crush on this person or just two people who are curious about each other judging by the descriptions here. At any rate, that's a pretty normal looking meeting between two characters with our protagonist here being the one that takes the initiative and introduces themselves first. And well, that's a pretty decent ending there.
At any rate, this seems like a pretty solid start to a story that I would in fact read here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there!
I like the intensity of love the character feels for this other character. There is a element of mystery there about the guy. It is easy to make a guy like this - dark and brooding - really creepy and scary. You need to be aware of that.
As the other reviewers have said this needs a lot of editing. You would only need to copy and paste this onto a Word document and you can see the spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes.
It is clearly just a early draft. Keep on writing and READING. It will improve your writing greatly if you see how others do it. Best of luck.
Hello , So how is it dramatic and a fantasy and because this is really confusing me and u spelled library wrong. Second the grammar is unbearable it is wrong wrong wrong. I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything I'm just saying it needs help. A lot of help , I would be happy to help write this story or this book.
Now Spelling, You spelled Librarian wrong it's not libraryen now I really like this book or story I mean you should write more but its not really that good if you know what I mean because you are only writing a little bit and you should be writing a whole lot if you want good reviews and a thumbs up from everyone and everybody on YWS.
So how come you are writing about a book but okay its good keep writing
~chanta
Hello, I'm Phoenix and I'll be reviewing your chapter today!
I like this, it's a good start, but it needs a lot of work. There are a lot of errors, like "rapped" should be "wrapped". "Liebraary" and "Libraryen" should be Library and Librarian. There's a lot of other errors but those are the ones that really stuck.
Also there are grammar errors like "IT all happened in senior year of college." which should be It all happened in my senior year of college."
I'm guessing you're trying to make it switch over to what happened, after that line I just fixed. To do that you need to make the setting change someway, maybe and a date and location to it.
That's all I got for now! Never stop writing!
- Phoenix