Education is not the learning of new facts,
but the training of the mind to think fast - Albert Einstein
In Africa, countless children die every day from little diseases like Dysentry, Cholera and Typhoid, all which could be otherwise prevented by simple hygeine, sadly, not everyone can afford basic ammenities. These mothers having to watch their children die are heart broken, many of them, single mothers, too old to weep, too young to wail. It is a taboo to get pregnant before marriage, no matter the reason, but it happens anyway, leaving the result, these children to suffer at the mercy of death.
Who is to blame? The Father, Mother, Child, Tradition or Sex? You choose.
Sex is a sensation, it’s caused by temptation.
Love is a gamble, sex is a game.
Boys do the thing, girls get the blame,
One night of pleasure, nine months of pain.
One day in the hospital, then Junior needs a name,
I’m not a parent, but then I think this could speak to you and me too.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
"I’m not a parent, but then I think this could speak to you and me too."
This speaks very loudly. Your short poem brings to light a very dangerous subject to speak on, but I think you do a great job of really explaining the essence of your, as well as the world's issue, which has become so prevalent during the last decade or so.
I agree with virtually everything you've said here, although it seems that you are making sex out to be a bad thing, which it isn't, but,
"Boys do the thing, girls get the blame,
One night of pleasure, nine months of pain."
I have to totally agree with this part. The reason illicit sex has become such a big issue is because men, seemingly, do not have to pay any of the consequences, and therefore could care less about them.
I have to give you a thumbs up for standing up to something you know to be wrong and trying to make a difference.
Thank you beeyay!
thanks dear!
I loved the message behind this! The actual poem, I thought was humorous and a good way to get the message across!!!!! Keep Writing!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Arli021
thanks
A great piece of writing.
I for one do not feel the Einstein quote is misplaced- it meant something to me, but perhaps this is a personal preferance.
Your opening was gripping and cast a sensative yet honest light on such an important topic, but the poem made this piece stick in my mind.
Not only does the poem have a lovely pace, rhyme and message, its structure and shape is both intriguing and unique.
You conveyed your message vey well. I have liked it and hope to read more of your work
Thanks, that first part was put in late after the earlier critcism, good to know it had the desired effect
Okay, I'm not going to attempt to answer all the criticism, but I'm going to try to give you as clear on the technical as possible, and then talk about the message.
I'd have to agree with the Einstein quote feeling out of place. I'm not sure how it even plays into the poem, except for the fact that it alludes to education.
That could be in italics and replace the Einstein quote as an author's note. Or, better, this could have been posted either in the comments section, or in the description of the poem.
Between those two lines, I almost have to dig for the poem. But with that aside, let's get to the poem.
As I said to Birkhoff, poetry's lines always start with a capital, regardless of whether or not they start a new sentence. That's just how the rules of poetry work. Now, on to the actual poem.
This line has come under such attack, and I do agree that this is an inaccurate generalization. However, I like the idea. You don't have to get rid of it: All it would take is to change this to "A boy did the thing, the girl got the blame" or some other specific situation. It's so poignant, yet it can (and has) come across as offensive because it's not always true.
Don't be discouraged. This poem is really good; it just needs a little bit of work to make it great.
Thanks real much!
Just jumping in here to say that poetry lines don't always have to start with capital letters. Technically, either approach is fine, although starting all lines with capitals is actually less fashionable in modern poetry.
Hi there!
I see you've been getting a lot of negative criticism for this poem, and I'm sorry for that. I don't think it should be receiving as much as it is. While there are flaws, there are flaws in every poem.
I think the Einstein quote is a lovely quote, but doesn't quite have a place with this poem. Same with your last line. This poem doesn't have to be about you, even though it is in first person, and so it's a little unnecessary to clarify that you're not a parent. Even if you were a parent, and this was about you, I can promise you that the people on this site would be accepting and not judge. I have posted some very personal poems on my page and I have not received judgement for the content matter of them, which is part of why YWS is such an amazing community.
Now, you've been receiving a lot of negativity about your view on sex. While I do not share the view (I view it as something very sensual, light, fun, etc) I have to respect yours. I completely understand why you would have this view on sex, as it's rather realistic and reasonable. This happens again and again, where girls are the ones who get labeled as "whores" and "sluts" for having sex, while boys are the ones who don't receive any labels even though they play 50% of the part in it. And it's incredibly realistic of a teen getting pregnant, of course it happens just after one night and then you have nine months as a result. Of course, some view pregnancy as a valuable and special thing - bringing a new life into the world is an incredible thing - but it's true that it comes with pain as well.
I don't think you deserve as much criticism for this as you have. I appreciate your viewpoint, and I thank you for sharing it with us. Keep writing.
thanks! everyone deserves a POV! this is mine, it's sorta teenage *scratches back of head*
Hey there! Isha here for a review.
Writers in general have to read over their work and make sure that what they're conveying is being conveyed correctly.
And I'm going to pull a bit of a Birkhoff on you here and critique the poem itself, and try to stay away from the message you're trying to convey.
First of all, I definitely, definitely agree with Birkhoff when s/he says that there's no flow to the poem whatsoever. Because there really isn't. It's choppy, and really rather difficult to read- I know that I had to go over the lines a couple times each just to make sense of them, and I don't mean that in a "the line was so profound that I had to read a few times to understand" kind of way. Your bluntness is admirable, I suppose, because it packs something akin to a punch, but blunt =/= cannot flow nicely.
Secondly, your imagery. It's blunt, but it's... not the shocking kind of blunt. It's not the blunt that hits you in the face and leaves you stunned. It's the kind of blunt that you squint at. The arrogant-ignorant kind of blunt. And I know that that's not what you're trying to convey with the poem, but that's pretty much exactly what it sounds like you're trying to convey.
It's just not very good imagery, honestly. It's not original. It doesn't sound profound, just whiny. It's over-generalized, and doesn't address a specific issue with the topic. It turns the topic as a whole into the issue, and I don't think that that's what you're trying to do, either.
Also, I have to agree that the Albert Einstein quote is extremely out of place? I just don't understand why it's there, or what it really has to do with the subject matter.
Anyway, as for the poem itself. I understand what you're trying to convey, and that's a valid point that should be addressed more than it is. However, the piece wasn't executed very well. People have been criticizing the message, and you've been fighting that criticism, because what you're trying to say isn't what people are reading. And that's not because they don't understand metaphor or don't know how to use common sense- it's because the poem was written in a way that makes it sound like you're saying, basically, that sex is just a bad thing. And you're so not the only writer that does that, so don't take it too harshly.
It's a great idea, and a message that probably needs to get out there a little more, but you could have gone about executing it a little better.
Overall, though, good job and keep writing.
~Ish
thanks, I see your point, I'll try fixing it.
Don't take this the wrong way, but the whole part about girls getting all the blame is kinda an ignorant thing to say. I know a guy who's girlfriend got pregnant. Everyone blamed him, his family was pissed, ect. Turns out the girl had cheated and was trying to leech off of him because he was from a wealthy family. This is just one of countless examples of this. Again, don't take this the wrong way.
Other than that, the poem has good rhyme and I guess is a good reminder to use protection and whatnot.
~Cirute
Oh, I don't think only the girls get the blame, I've touched it up a little so, let's see......
Hey Bee!
I'm mainly doing a quick comment on this because I see a lot of criticism here, and by the look of your replies I don't think you're taking it to heart.
First:
This Albert Einstein quote has little to nothing to do with the subject matter.
Now, the poem itself is very flawed. It's only a few lines long, there is no flow and the rhyme scheme isn't there. It's not much else I can say.
Even if this did have flow, this ending line comes out of nowhere and ruins it. If you need an end line to explain things in your poem, then your poem needs an edit.
All your lines start with capital letters, so in that case, all your lines should also end with periods. Not all of them do.
Okay, now onto your subject matter.
As many of your reviewers have said, this is a wrong and a bit twisted view of sex.
And though their opinions are not all completely the same, they are all in a way right. So far it seems like you brush this off, but please take good advice and criticism when you get it. It's good and allows for great personal growth. And this is, after all, a learning site. A lot of them have been here quite a while.
You said you wrote this to enlighten people. However, I see nothing enlightening here.
All I see is a short sighted view of something, written very pretentious and told very preachy.
You have a lot of other neat stories, Bee. And you use writing styles not seldom used, which is good.
But I think this work is a blunder.
Cheers
Birkhoff
Not true. In poetry, every line should begin with a capital (unless intentionally avoided for style).
I realize, however I got the feeling this was not stylistical intention.
Thanks for having my back @dragonfphoenix however, I don't see the un-capitalized letters, could you point it out for me please?
This is really profound when you think about the message here. Nice going!
Thanks dear!! I hope it's not too 'discouraging' *note the sarcasm*
Hello, quick review coming.up!
I.think the quote fits the style.of this poem. You practically go over all the things they taught us about sex in middle school within a few lines in the poem. That's what I like about this poem. It's fast paced and stuff we should already know like the qupte says. Sure it may not be the same as what others think about sex and love, but this is what I was taught. I don't.tjink this poem.is trying to attack the idea of sex and whether this is your actual opinion on sex and love. Rather, it's what the education system is like nowadays or ever since it started ( at least to me it is). You get told things that you might not believe but have to know for some.reason or.else you are not learning. It doesn't really help to look at the world as a whole bunch of random.facts that are just true without knowing why. So, all in all, I think this is a good.poem once it's looked at from this perspective. Happy Writing!
*what I was taught in middle school but that changed in high school.
thank you so much, you're like the only one seeing my point. Thanks!
You're welcome! And yay, I got it!
LOL! yay!! you did!
Hi there,
For this work of literature, I would like to say that I like the way you used poetic devices effectively, such as rhyming and imagery.
However, I do not like the idea in the poem. As mentioned previously by others, this poem describes sex as it is a terrible thing. I also feel that there is a bit of criticism against guys; as a guy, I would like to tell you that NOT all the guys are there just for sex.
*Well let me make myself clearer. What I am trying to say is I am NOT actually giving my opinion on the main idea but I think that this poem is a little sexist, and it might actually offend some people.*
Other than that, great work with a quotation from Einstein. This is a short poem, yet, it clearly delivers the theme, the issue that you are trying to point out. Ans that is a really good thing, you know
Amazing job, keep writing and you will become even better.
Thanks for your advice, to say the least, what's perceived was not intended but good t get the controversy going!:D
Hi bee!
I actually don't like this poem? I think it looks at sex with an incredibly narrow scope that doesn't quite capture the truth about sex or pregnancy at all. Maybe it is significant as a kind of warning message for children who experiment with sex when they are too young and immature to deal with an accidental pregnancy, but still. The way that you present sex and pregnancy is a kind of over-arching truth for everybody, when it isn't.
I am halfway through my first pregnancy right now, and nothing that you have described is applicable to me, except maybe sex being a sensation -- but I would also say that it's a lot more than that. I knew I loved my (now) husband, and he loved me too, so when he asked for my hand, I married him. Loving him was never a gamble, and sex (though fun) was never a kind game in which we both were hurt. As far as sex being a kind of temptation, it wasn't... it was us giving ourselves to each other, completely, as man and wife. It was really a beautiful thing! When we found out that I was pregnant, we were both congratulated by everyone, not blamed. His "thing" that he did was supporting me throughout the pregnancy, even when sometimes it was frustrating for the both of us. It was not just one night of pleasure... we can't even guess when conception actually happened, though we have an idea of the general time frame. Nor has it been 20 weeks of pain... pregnancy, like all things in life, has its ups and downs, and it truly has been a wonderful journey so far, and I feel so excited and blessed to welcome a daughter into my life.
So, sex doesn't have to be this miserable experience. Maybe it is when you're a child and you do sex without really thinking about the possible consequences, but it isn't miserable at all when you fill your life with love, you consider what you're doing with respect to your relationship, and you accept responsibility for your actions.
Also. Perhaps this is just a personal thing for me, but I think that trying to scare people from ever becoming pregnant or having sex is not very helpful at all. Sex is a natural yearning for most of humanity, and I think it's important to recognize that, and recognize that sex isn't necessarily all that bad (though, I concede that it can, at times, be unhealthy). I am a devout Catholic, so I believe in waiting until marriage before engaging sexually with your spouse. So, I am no stranger to being told that it is better to wait for the opportune moment (to quote the philosopher, Jack Sparrow). However, I think that some people who hear these kinds of messages and take them to heart are so afraid of having sex, that the thought of sexually engaging with their spouse is enough to make them afraid. And, this isn't healthy. I also think that scaring people from ever getting pregnant is not very good either. Being pregnant can be scary at times, but it is also an amazing experience that totally changes your life. And this can be a beautiful thing.
This was written at the 'teen advice' point of view. In Africa, you have no idea how many girls get pregnant with unwanted pregnancy and the risk of STD's. This was meant to enlighten and not confuse.
I really like this poem, it's quite effective. I also however don't see the relevance in Einstein quote.
I love how cynical it is. I personally like the rhyming as it keeps the rhythm fast, which I think is a concept your trying to convey-just one night that turns into nine months. I also like the use of the word 'Junior', it sounds like sarcasm as we think of babies with bright colours but the reality for the young/single parent is a lot more scary.
'Boys do the thing, Girls get the blame' could be seen as stereotypical but it is a problem that faces many women. Men can run away from the problem, but girls don't have that option.
LOL! you're saying that 'cause you're a guy, right? It's okay, Thanks any ways!
So I will be honest, it was the title of this work that caught my attention.
I got a present surprise from what I read.
I like the way you open with a quote from Einstein, although, I'm not exactly sure why it is relevant in terms of meaning to the way your piece discusses sex. You're not really educating the reader, more discussing ideas about sex.
'Sex is a sensation, it’s caused by temptation.' - This is very basic, primitive language that matches well to the nature of what you are talking about.
'Love is a gamble, sex is a game.' - Saying things like this can make you sound quite blunt. And you don't really explain why you make these claims in the piece. Not everyone will agree with these statements, so I think this work will be very controversial.
'Boys do the thing, girls get the blame,' - Again, this is perhaps a very stereotypical view of things. Or something quite broad. Needs more clarification I think.
'One night of pleasure, nine months of pain.' - So you are obviously referring to an accidental pregnancy, which is a very relevant issue, but you are making it sound like it is the only way babies are born or something. It just seems a bit general for my liking.
'One day in the hospital, then Junior needs a name,' - Then here, you start being really casual about naming the child, it doesn't really feel consistent with your previous bluntness.
'That’s why I gave him Ochuko.' - I am assuming this name holds some personal meaning to you, because I means nothing to me as a reader. The ending in fact, feels quite confusing and I'm not sure exactly what to take from it.
'I’m not a parent, but then I think this could speak to you and me too.' - This is a very bold line, that I personally think sounds a bit overzealous. I am not entirely sure whether you should have included it????
I can see what you have tried to do with the formatting here, but I think it looks a little sloppy to be honest, you need to tidy it up a bit and move thing around so they are more aligned. It will not only make your work more visually appealing to the reader, but easier to read.
I did like the concept behind this piece, however I would organise the formatting and make your ideas a bit clearer to the reader in future.
Good job though.
Keep writing.
~BloodinkSeesFootage
wow!!!!!!!!! i didn't see any criticism of anything grammatical all through, just sentimental judgements! I think I was clear enough to the people it was intended to!
Hi!
I don't think this should be in the Article/Essay section. I think it should probably go in the Poetry section. So I'll review it as if I was reviewing a poem.
No one can argue with what you're saying in this poem. It's fact. But facts don't make poetry. Nor does rhyme.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
I don't understand how your first two lines fit in with the rest of the poem. They have no connection to what you're saying. Take them out.
Your rhymes are distracting and a little wearing. You could try a free verse poem instead of sticking with rhymes. I think it would improve this piece.
The capitalization is nonsensical. Why are there capitalized letters in the middle of sentences?
The last two lines are off the charts. You named your son Ochuko? Okay? So? Oh, wait, you don't even have a son? Why are you telling the audience this? Was it for the sake of the rhyme? Well then. If it is for the sake of the rhyme, remember this: don't let your rhyme scheme control what you are saying. Ever. Also, since you're the writer, you can be anything you want to be. You can be a parent. That is the magic of writing.
Also, I don't understand what is supposed to be speaking to us. I don't see any new ideas being presented in this piece, only a list of facts. Unfortunately, I am not a robot, and facts do not usually evoke an emotional response in me.
I do appreciate the "girls get the blame" line. It's very true in our society that women get the short end of the stick.
A note on formatting: don't double space poems. On the provided program for this site, you can make sure your piece is single spaced by holding shift when you enter down to a new line.
I hope that this review was helpful to you. If you have any questions, feel free to private message me. Have a nice day.
hey, Thanks for your observations but i think you lack understanding of what I'm trying to convey. this piece is really different from what i usually do but it has very strong meaning to me. the rhyming scheme makes it sound sort of light at heart, instead of adding tension to an already tensed topic. If you have personal preferences say so! I have re-arranged the stanzas for easier understanding.
Thanks again!
Bunie
If I don't understand, please explain it to me.
OK, i will send you a personal message