The Flip Side

Hey, Bee! As you requested, I'm here with my thoughts.

Okay, so here's what happened the first time I was reading through: I got confused by the sentence structure in the last two lines of the first stanza. And I think the main part of it is the fact that my brain wants to naturally read this sentence: "Where living is the alternative to death". "But those are on different lines!" my brain screams the next moment. And suddenly the poem unfolds itself in front of me. Then I try matching different levels of those fragments, separated by commas. I finish reading cross-wise: "Where living is the alternative to death. And existence only when dreaming." I read vertically: "Where living is, and existence. Only when dreaming the alternative to death."

As I continue reading, I let go of trying to understand it in favor of playing, but I feel upset because the other two stanzas don't seem to have the same mechanic of sentences broken up by commas. I can play a little bit with the last one: "I tell you, not the usually red. Blood. The grass ain't always green." OR "I tell you. Blood. The grass ain't always green, not the usual red." But I stumbled into an accidental playground and the rest of the poem wasn't there for me. haha.

Trying to read it normally... I feel like the last stanza is the strongest because it works well describing how reality is just a little "off" from how it's supposed to be, and I know that matches up with the philosophy you're trying to communicate in the first two stanzas. I think it sets up this tone that's similar to the one when you start reading scary stories late at night, when you're alone -- that creeping feeling up the back of your neck, a sensation of being tense. I like that.

I hope these thoughts and my experiences will be helpful to you!

PM me or reply if you have any questions/comments about my review.

Good luck and keep writing always!

Hannah

This was rather nice, but although it was certainly not lacking in depth it would have been nicer a little longer. Despite this I particularly like the very last line, and also the fact you are missing a full stop (generally a crime I punish with death) means it is generally leading.
I also think your rhythm needs a little work. The commas you have put and how they stand are certainly advantageous in terms of meaning, yet I feel perhaps if you put 2 rather than 1 comma per line it would separate the telines into triplets, which, mirrored in the already existing structure, would make for a very strong poem.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Hello,

I enjoyed this, though I do think there could have been a little more to it in my opinion. I did enjoy this a lot though, it really got me thinking, and I love when writing can do that. Poetry is one of my favourite things to read, so this was something different then the poetry I am used to.

Normally I would not have clicked on something with a title like this, simply because it seems predictable, but you did it in a whole different way then what I would though thought someone would have done.

This seems like it is inside someones head, which is very interesting, but I think maybe a few more details (not very much) could be provided.

"I'm on the flip side
I tell you, the grass ain't always green,
blood, not the usual red."

That was my favourite line, I loved how you used the grass, since people say "The grass is always greener on the other side" That was very interesting to me.

Great job, keep up the good work

Heyo

so this work is very philosophcal in a way. The title cuaght my attention and i was not disappointed by what I read here.
'I'm on the flip side
I tell you, the grass ain't always green,
blood, not the usual red.' the coloouqial kind of way in which this is written makes it have more impact, it has that conversational tone to it that is really fun for reading.

'Flip the coin' sounds very demanding upon the reader as if they have an active part in the making and reading of this work.
'Where living is, only when dreaming
and existence, the alternative to death. ' this line I don't really make sense of when I think about it, but it sounds cool to read.

I'm also in love with the length of this work but you go into enough detail without dwelling on the idea too much. Perfection. Good spelling and grammar too.

Full marks.

Oooh. That was pretty cool. This whole poem is pretty cool.

I don't really have any nitpicks, except maybe punctuation? Nah, your punctuation is great! I really like your concept to this! It's really interesting; gave me goosebumps.

Anyway, as I have mentioned before, this poem is really cool.

"I'm on the flip side
I tell you, the grass ain't always green,
blood, not the usual red."

^^ That's my favorite stanza. You 'executed' it perfectly! Good job and keep writing!
GrapeNerd