Hello again, Bee.
In essence, I like this story. I think it's very relevant with some current events that have been going on in Florida that are gaining media attention and spurring more and more people to speak up. I mean these events and feelings, the ones you explore in this piece, have always been here. I love that you are bringing your voice to the movement, whether intentional or not. We need more voices saying these things. We need to say them constantly and loudly so that people will not forget. God, I'm scared when I think about this world and what it will take to change it.
Aside from the message, I think there are some things you might improve about this piece.
One is taking a comb through your writing. I'll use your first sentence as an example:
She was walking down the freeway, a straight path one she had walked through several times before yet as straight as it was in the short time she had to get to work, the many troubles she had met on the way was enough for her to bring along some medium of protection.
VERY long and winding. Take a comb through it. Get the tangles out. Make it clean and simple. Try reading this: "She was walking down the free way. It was a straight path, one she had walked several times before. Yet as straight as it was, and as short as it was, she'd met enough troubles on the way that she started bringing along a medium of protection." You have a lot of thoughts you want to get across: the freeway, the straightness, the shortness, the normal-ness of the path compared with the action she's been forced to take: the trouble, the protection. You don't have to rush through it all at once. Take your time. Let your reader melt into your writing. Do this with all the sentences in your piece. Get a good pace.
The second suggestion would be to work on getting the sight of the violence a little clearer. Not so it's glorified or sensationalized, but just so we can follow the sequence of action without any problem. Right now, I'm not quite sure about the amount of space between the woman and the man at the beginning, or how she goes from slicing his arm to suddenly having him by the neck. Lead us through step by step. I know you have it all bursting to come out of your head, so now it's editing time: make it so we can see it clearly.
And I noticed Temi mentioned the quotes in your writing. For some reason, I've always been a fan. I think they serve as bridges to the world outside this fiction piece, and I think they remind the reader that the issues discussed in the story are real and people are talking about them. They bring another bite sized piece of sound from another place in time, and build the texture of the writing.
I hope these suggestions are helpful for you~
PM me or reply if you have any questions!
Good luck and always keep writing!
Hannah
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Reviews: 1334
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