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Unprecedented

by beeyaay


Unprecedented

She got down on the first day, the wind ruffling her mini dress as she held her guitar safely by her side. The song “Fearless” streaming through her ear plugs. It took a long time to decide to play it on repeat. There was a Sound of Music’s, “I got confidence” too, but fearless did trump when she almost slept on Sounds of Music’s. She was certainly feeling anything but fearless, the song was a façade, a boost in her moral down slide, so far, she was aiming for the boost, something that would give her enough confidence to pull off this hair ruffle and have the wind ruffle her hair along with dress.

She’d been let out wild a lot, she spent the last year in Juvie, her dad finally gave up on her and her escapades, and everyone did. Her boyfriend, Jeremiah, he was still at Juvie, not ready to choose a different lifestyle for himself, this was her chance to change her life and she wasn’t giving up on it.

And I don’t know how, it gets better this way

You take my hand and drag me head first

Fearless

And I don’t know why but with you I’d dance

In a storm with my best dress

Fearless

If only she felt that way, even for one day. Through everything, she always remembered the fear, gripping at her through a large hole, when she was out picking a store lock along with Jeremiah, when the sirens came blaring, when Jeremiah ran off, stringing her alongside him. She could feel the fear, hiding out in an abandoned building smoking some pot with him and his buddies, the occasional honking and buzzing of cars causing her heart to speed faster.

The fear, gripping at her and now in one swoop, she was creating a gap, doing what fear could find no place in, yet she still felt as scared as ever, the fear……


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Wed Nov 27, 2013 5:28 pm
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Lava wrote a review...



Hi there!

Lava here with a couple of comments. :)

So, I really like the fact that you're using songs to show us about the character; and some development that way. It's interesting, and a good thing to do.

The song “fearless” streaming through the ear plugs in her ears. I think the ín her ears part' is a bit unnecessary. It took a long time to decide to play it on repeat. There was a sound of music’s,Capitalize or Italicize Sound of Music, to imply that it refers to the movie “I got confidence” too, but fearlessAgain, better to capitalize/italicize song names to distinguish it from just another word did trump when she almost slept on sounds of music’s. I didn't understand the meaning of this last part? She sleep listening to SoM? If yes, then try rephrasing the sentence.


So, this is quite short. And a bit of an abrupt ending. I think you wanted to leave us with a hook/cliffhanger, but this doesn't cut it. You need to build a scene before doing so; and this lacks it. By and large.

Since I have no idea of which direction this story is heading, I can't comment on the description, character development etc., but do continue working on it.

Cheers!




beeyaay says...


i tried using human actions to describe the word fearless! it's not really a story so i don't know how to make it better, I'd probably edit and fix mistakes. but watch out for other stories of mine.



Lava says...


Oh okay! Great!



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Wed Nov 27, 2013 5:23 pm
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AfterTheStorm wrote a review...



Hey, Bee! The name's Storm, and I'll be reviewing for ya this morning! :D Let's jump right in.

1. "She got down on the first day, the wind ruffling her mini dress and her guitar safely by her side. The song “fearless” streaming through the ear plugs in her ears."

To be honest, I have no clue what this opening phrase "she got down on the first day" means. Maybe specify your intent more clearly? Next, because of the way you arranged the wording in "the wind ruffling..." part, it appears as if the wind is also ruffling the guitar. I think you mean that the wind is playing with the speaker's dress, and she is also holding her instrument. Try editing that snippet to something along the lines of: "... the wind ruffling her mini dress while she nestled her guitar securely against her side." I don't know; something like that.

Next, when you mention that song title, it should be capitalized. :) Don't forget to capitalize proper nouns! Lastly for this section, you don't need to include that the earbuds were in her ears. It's an extraneous detail that takes away from the sentence. The reader can already infer that the headphones were in the speaker's ears.

2. "There was a sound of music’s, 'I got confidence' too, but fearless did trump when she almost slept on sounds of music’s."

I seriously have no idea what this means... Care to clarify?

3. "She was certainly feeling anything but fearless, the song was a façade, a boost in her moral downslide, so far, she was aiming for the boost, something that would give her enough confidence to pull off this hair ruffle and have the wind ruffle her hair along with dress."

After "... anything but fearless" replace that comma with a period, dash, or a semicolon. The two thoughts certainly closely relate with one another, but because they're both independent clauses you need some other form of connection. Also, following "down slide" swap that comma with a period. Thirdly, I once again fail to comprehend what you wrote here! What does the last sentence mean? It's fairly confusing...

4. The next paragraph also sports examples of misused commas, so watch out for that. :)

5. "If only she felt that way, even for one day. Through everything, she always remembered the fear, gripping at her through a large hole, when she was out picking a store lock along with Jeremiah, when the sirens came blaring, when Jeremiah ran off, stringing her alongside him." I love this part! The reader feels a stronger connection with the speaker, and you describe her past in such a short amount of time so well. Good job!

6. And lastly, we arrive at the conclusion. "The fear, gripping at her and now in one swoop, she was creating a gap, doing what fear could find no place in yet she still felt as scared as ever, the fear……"

I understand what you're trying to say here, but the excessive commas detract from the main thought! Look out for that next time. :)

Despite a few fundamental errors, Bee, you did a great job at allowing the reader to understand the main character's thoughts, emotions, and past. I certainly felt the fear and inner battle that she's fighting. :) "Unprecedented" is a decent start! As always: Write on!

---Stormsie




beeyaay says...


oh, thanks! i will take your advice completely so look out for my other works!





Definitely. :D



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Wed Nov 27, 2013 5:02 pm
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Korlix wrote a review...



Hiho, Korlix here for a review,

I like the insight into the protagonist's mentality. Being able to see what action she is doing, in this case trying to be fearless, to convince herself of it.
The act of doing something to convince the own mind into thinking differently is not a topic that is often mentioned in stories but i like the twist you gave to it by embedding it into a song and showing how she is affected by it but is finding it difficult to relate to it.

The one thing i think you should've done a little differently is either sticking to the emotions she is feeling herself and relate them to how the character is affected by them (pretty much what you did but do it in greater depth)
OR
Going into her background even further to WHY she is feeling the way she is.

The way it is written now is in my opinion fine too, but maybe expand on one thing, rather than going into 2 different directions.




beeyaay says...


OK, thank you, awesome advice, so far so much encouraging positivity, i will try working on the flaws!



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Wed Nov 27, 2013 4:59 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Alright! This is my first review as a squire of the Green Room. Ten more to go and then I become a knight!
This is Timmyjake. I am not as experienced as most, so I may miss some stuff. But I can see some stuff: So here goes! :)
First of all, there are some run on sentences, kind of like my projects.

She was certainly feeling anything but fearless, the song was a façade, a boost in her moral downslide, so far, she was aiming for the boost, something that would give her enough confidence to pull off this hair ruffle and have the wind ruffle her hair along with dress.

That is one sentence, and is way too long. That sentence could be broken up into quite a few sentences.

She got down on the first day, the wind ruffling her mini dress and her guitar safely by her side
This sentence doesn't make any sense, and doesn't make a good first sentence. Does the wind ruffle the guitar? That doesn't happen.
Or is her guitar safely by her side? That sounds like it was what you were trying to accomplish but left out a few key words that stated that. Moving on.

I am sorry, but I have no idea what Juvie is. Perhaps I am just ignorant and this is common knowledge. But as it is, I will critique it based on that too.
Your reader needs to know where you are coming from. Where Juvie really is, and what her escapades were.

Her boyfriend, Jeremiah, he was still at Juvie, not ready to choose a different lifestyle for himself, this was her chance to change her life and she wasn’t giving up on it.

Another run on sentence and one that doesn't make sense. "Her boyfriend Jeremy was still at Juvie, but he wasn't ready to choose a different lifestyle. Regardless, this was her chance to change her life, etc.." Something like that, I think. Just flip stuff around and add periods. Take out commas, etc... Just stuff you will find if you read it over a few times.

I won't criticize content too much, because I don't know most of the recent songs. (I prefer Pop stars like Josh Groban more anyway) But if you songs, fearless and I got confidence are really popular songs, then most people will know what song you are talking about.

I don't think that lines of the song add much, but it does kind of tell the reader what she is going through. Although, it talks about love as much as being fearless. So maybe her boyfriend should be in there more as a lover than a fellow crook.

One more thing: I don't think her "smoking pot" will advance your story any. Maybe she should be fearful for something that we all can relate to. I for one cannot relate to that. Now picking a store lock may be cool, but how about the feeling of being behind a mask? The feeling of stretching out her hand to take something that wasn't hers?
Now I have a question, too. Is this intended to be like a prologue to a book? Or a first chapter? It is labeled as an essay, but it looks like it was intended to be the first portion of a book.
Nice beginning. Your character is already in danger. Keep going!




beeyaay says...


very long, i have to say, you're very observant, advice taken. it is not a prologue of a book, i just wanted to put up something because i haven't since i joined. i expected it to leave a lot to the imagination, leave people wondering and end it without reason, i happened to to do that but not in the way intended so I'm sorry for that, other updates would be better, promise!



timmyjake says...


Thanks. I will look for it!



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Wed Nov 27, 2013 4:42 pm
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Spearhawkdude wrote a review...



Hey, It's Thomas here. :D
This is really good. I like how you let us learn so much about the main character, without sort of saying it out loud. The things she had done in the past and the way she felt about things around her really seemed to define her, so it was nice to see that you had put so much work into it. There were just a few things that I think could have been improved on... There were a few capitals missing, like in the name of the song and the ending was a bit abrupt, but other than that, You have my approval.




beeyaay says...


hey, thanks so much! advice taken!





Just happy to help :D Keep up the good work...




A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.
— Honore de Balzac