Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
In mystical Judaism, there’s this concept that we have this indentation above our lips for a reason. The story goes that before we were born our souls were in heaven and we learned all of Torah and then an angel pressed an anthropomorphic finger on our lips and we forgot everything we learned. We are told this story so that we are reassured. While pursuing the vast canon, we get overwhelmed and we doubt our abilities to access it. This story is supposed to remind us that all of the knowledge in the world is something that we already have inside us, it is dormant. We are not learning, we are relearning. We are not teaching ourselves an entirely new alphabet, we are immersing in our culture, and are re-acquiring our language skills.
***
But even knowing this information, I forget that I was created in the image of the divine. I forget that I am perfect the way I was created, and was endowed with an innate knowledge set. I walk around flustered like a chicken without a head, lamenting the enormous cavities in my brain where the information I am seeking is missing. Even my external memory, Google, can’t help me. I’m working on letting my body carry out its functions without doubting it. I’m learning to trust myself, because as it turns out, I already have the answers.
***
The angel whispers, “You already know.”
You are afraid of what you might find.
Go after the colors of the rainbow.
Less afraid of shadow, more of the glow.
Scared you’re inadequate, scared you’re behind.
The angel whispers, “You already know.”
The brave thing is to move on solo.
You’re scared to leave all of the rest behind.
Go after the colors of the rainbow.
You’d put up a fight when you find what’s below.
Such a shame since you’ve made up your mind.
The angel whispers, “You already know.”
We destroy the old to make room to grow.
Our desires and fears intertwined.
Go after the colors of the rainbow.
The plan is to discard the status quo.
Don’t pay the others any mind.
The angel whispers, “You already know.”
Go after the colors of the rainbow.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey beccalicious94,
First Impressions: Very interesting little piece. A agree with Aley that your choice to write a villanelle is pretty awesome, and that you've done it here, but it does constrict your ability to really show the reader what it is they need to know. The description at the beginning is helpful.
Positives: I love that you've written from the standpoint of religion, and focused on the real truths of life. It's something that often gets missed in a world where we tend to like the superficial. You've done a great job of helping us to feel the sort of "unknowable" mysteries of eternity, and I feel that you've successfully portrayed what it is you were wanting to, even if some of the deeper meaning goes over our heads.
This is, in my opinion, the jewel of the piece, as it lays down some cold, hard truth about humans. We aren't okay with the way things are, or have been. Seeking to improve is good, but humanity as a whole takes it into an obsession and all of a sudden the only thing we live for is something quote on quote, "new."
Negatives: While being repetitive in a poem in order to drive home a specific point is good, I fear that it's a little too lyrical, and makes me think that I'm singing a modern pop/christian rock song. It's not terribly devastating to the poem, but does have a negative affect on it. Perhaps try branching out in the center of the piece and only repeating yourself at the end, that way we get to see more of what you're thinking?
This line is a bit misplaced, to me, because it seems to say the opposite of the vibe that I'm getting. I felt like we were talking about relearning the "old ways," not pushing them aside and going for something else. It's possible that it does fit, but the wording makes me think of something you didn't want me to.
Overall: Good poem. Love the heart you've put into it.
I give it:
Hello beccalicious94,
I'm really happy to see that you wrote a villanelle. I think the structures are really underutilized. That being said, I'm super happy to see how well you worked the style into itself too. You have a very nice flow and I love how the A2 line really blends in with the whole context of this poem. It was really well done.
You formatting problems can be fixed here How to Format Poetry if you read that over and see if it makes sense. If it doesn't, there are other helpful articles too which are linked at the bottom of the article.
Now, onto the critique
I think your message is a little hidden in this poem. I don't really see what you're talking about in your intro in the poem itself. I feel like what's hazing it over is the need to fit into the style. You really are limited because it is a villanelle and that's perfectly fine, but I think you could probably do more with your intermittent lines like when you're talking about moving beyond the status quo, you don't go into specifics. I think that poetry in general really shines when you have specifics like exactly what is status quo and how to move beyond that in your speaker's point of view. If you don't do that, then the poem can end up sounding bland or flat, and I think that might be what you're running into here. If you push these phrases beyond the oblique and broad strokes and into the individual, the specific, then I think you'll get a better result!
Keep writing!
Thanks for the really helpful feedback. Was exactly what I needed to hear!