z

Young Writers Society


12+

My Moon, My Man

by beccalicious94


With all the light pollution in New York, I had trouble seeing the stars.
So I turned to the moon--what I thought was a reliable luminary.
You gave me bit by bit until I thought I finally saw all of you.
And then rhythmically, calendrically, you started to fade away until I couldn't see you anymore.

You: loony, shape-shifter, shiny,
but,
predictably unreliable.
On a few good nights you shed light on the dark sky,
and then slip, fast, under the horizon, for weeks at a time.

When you finally peek out of hiding, I start Rosh Chodesh celebrations.*

My mistake was thinking of you as the moon.
You are a moon,
like the ones on other planets.
There are many moons in the galaxy.

I’ve been so preoccupied looking for light,
I forgot,
that I am the biggest light.
You may be dreamy, but you’re not the sun,
I am.

I am being orbited by many planets with many moons.
My center of gravity has nothing to do with you.

*The Jewish celebration of the new moon.

---

Author's questions: What did this piece mean to you? Did the extended metaphor of the moon work for you? Was there too much telling? Did it need more non-moon descriptions to *ground* it? Really looking for constructive criticism here. Tell me what worked, and what didn't work and why. Thank you!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Donate
Fri May 12, 2017 11:01 pm
View Likes
Astronomer says...



phpBB [media]




User avatar
145 Reviews


Points: 402
Reviews: 145

Donate
Fri May 12, 2017 5:42 pm
View Likes
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

In the last line of your first stanza you have some empty adverbs that need to be removed for the flow to be better. They have no purpose so they have no reason to be there.

I love the content of the poem. I've never seen a poem that compares a love interest to the moon in the way that you have done. It's really good.

Only thing I would recommend is to get rid of the empty adverbs and then I think this is a final draft. Good job.

(I would love to see this added to for it to become a song because I can hear this sung and it sounds amazing. Let me know if you do happen to do this because I would love to listen to it.) Legacy.




User avatar
68 Reviews


Points: 794
Reviews: 68

Donate
Fri May 12, 2017 4:53 pm
View Likes
Midnightmoon wrote a review...



Hi there! I loved this piece. So, I'll dive right in.
In answer to the first question, This piece, (to me) meant that one should not keep looking for light that is far away. It told me that one has one's own light to shine. And Gradually one will find other light as well, but one needs to first see the light oneself has. (I hope this makes sense. :).

Second question, The extended moon metaphor was perfect.

Third question, I think you have the telling perfect. It's not to much and it's not to little. I think it was perfect.

Now, these are just suggestions, but in the first few lines you describe the moon as an "it" then you make it sound like a person. Which isn't bad, it can just be a little confusing. So maybe change that up a little bit. I realize the relation you are trying to bring across, but it's still a little confusing. It may just be me though. :D. I'm sorry if this wasn't helpful.
Midnighmoon.





Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
— George Wallace