Young Writers Society

I was inegally impressed by your poem.

On one hand, I can relate to the feelings that permeates it, being stuck in a limbo where every word seems to weigh a ton.

I really liked how it began, the stark contrast between the two games the lovers play.

I smiled at the 'unread Tolstoy', then as I went over the poem again later, I realized that we have all felt like unread Tolstoys at one point or another of our lives.

Then, there was that part where your girlfriend appears to be using you as furniture. I was puzzled: is that cuddling or torture? We leaned toward torture when you ended up in your doctor's office. When I read about your symptoms, I wondered if I had just completely missed a metaphor but I don't understand why you went straight on with:

« I lie in bed wondering if when we uttered those words to each other, I used more of my voice. »

Please, keep in mind that I'm not being critical. I'm just cursed with a very literal mind and I probably don't read enough poetry. So when you skip so quickly from the phonetag metaphor to the leg thing or to the train images, I'm completely lost. Maybe it would be smoother if you built up to those metaphors? They probably deserve it.

Hi. this is kamn134. i'm here to review your work.

Limbo--an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; also, in catholic doctrine, a plane of existence that functions as the edge of hell where noble pagans and stillborn babies go when they die, but are not punished. trying to decide whether to end your relationship, or not, because of your condition is exactly the definition of limbo.

Frankly, the beginning of the stanza made me angry. nothing personal, i just hate couples who waste their time begging each other to hang up first. it's derivative, it takes up your minutes, and it wastes other people's time around them.

on the other hand, the rest of the story was very heartwarming and it reminded me of every romance movie i had ever seen.however, as the story proceeded, it started to get saddening and sorrowful as the narrator explains how he begins suffering from paralysis the emotional tone was off the chart and the symbolisms were downright beautiful.

anyways, this was a pretty good poem. i hope to read more of your work.

Hi! This is DragonNoir of the Knights of the Green Room.

I must admit, this is very ambiguous in every way, shape and form. I understand that this is about a relationship and it is one that isn't working out very well, but the reader gets hardly any background on how the two people met in the first place, or what the main character plans on doing in the future with their relationship. I don't think that metaphor near the end was very necessary (the one about the Friendship Express etc). It kind of makes it sounds like those rants that depressed people have after a relationship or a hardship, which I understand is the case for the main character, but it just ruined the poem for me. I don't know how obese the partner must be that their body weight "starts to cut off your circulation." If that is not the case, then I really don't understand why that was put there. I'm guessing it's just hyperbole which just went a little bit too far. As well as this, what's with the random slashes on the end of the first two paragraphs? What are they supposed to mean?

Here's the most important part of this review: you've written a story, not a poem. A poem has a completely different flow to it, with lines that don't always have to end in full-stops. I noticed that the structure itself is very much awkward as well, which also affects the flow of the poem. Poems usually have stanza which have four or five lines, which by themselves aren't very long. The structure you used is the structure which a story would use.

I also noticed that this was supposed to be a sonnet, easily recogniseable because of the fourteen lines of text. However, sonnets talk about love, not abusive relationships. I know that this topic does relate to love, but sonnets usually talk about romantic love which has a happy ending of a sort. Take a look at Shakespeare's Sonnet 130 - or any of his sonnets - as an example. Although Shakespeare says that his mistress is very much ugly by the standards which existed around his time, he still loves her all the same.

Don't get me wrong, this has the potential to be brilliant and beautiful, it's just you need to know what you are doing. I understand you were trying to do something original, but I think you should try writing something basic and gradually making your way up in complexity. That way, you'll build fluency in poetry. But in order for that to succeed, you need to first study poems and their structural features. I did not mean to offend you in any way through this review, and if I did, then I apologise greatly. I hope this review helped.

Edit: I greatly apologise for my stupidity. I never really heard of free-verse poetry, and am sorry for claiming you were wrong. Although, I am still confused why you put a piece of prose (as stated by the description) under Poetry. Once more, my deepest apologies.

Greetings, beccalicious94, from a knight of the Green Room!

So, I'm just going to say first that I don't think this belongs in the poetry section because it's not in stanzas, it isn't free verse, and it has no meter. These things aren't a problem, however, if you place it in the "Short Story" section which even though it isn't long enough to be a story it fits better that way.

Anyway, onward to the review points! This seemed very personal to me like it is something you've gone through, and that's why it's special not only that but because it's so short and simple it catches the eyes of reviews like me. The title, I think, fits the poem very well and so does the category.

I do feel as if the work goes off topic when you talk about

In my massage therapist’s office, I discover I have leg issues. Built up tension, an inability to move forward, most often found in people who are part of troubled relationships, she says./

I’m waiting in the train station.
Waiting for the conductor to tell me to get back on the Friendship Express,
or if, perhaps, my ticket on the Relationship Local is still valid.

Our one-way intercom is still on.

I love your decriptions but I needed more of the senses to be explained. I could feel the emotion. Next time you write a poem though break up the lines more this was more of a story in the way the lines were. Make them shorter that will add suspence.
Love the poem
Keep Writing!!!