Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Narrative

12+

Dear Queer Girl in the Closet

by beccalicious94


dear queer girl in the closet,
outside bumblebees buzz.
there’s ambrosia to be eaten, there’s nectar to be drunk.

dear queer girl in the closet,
i was like you once.

how does it feel to know you’re seeing shadows dance
on the cave’s wall?
to see the marks on your wrists that the chains leave,
to know that the sun outside burns more than the small fire inside?

dear queer girl in the closet,
don’t name your shadows.
name your future children.
name our future children.

dance with me outside the cave.
let us eat and drink and be married.

dear queer girl in the closet,
i deserve more than fumbling hands in stolen nights--
more than secret kisses and being your “friend.”
and so do you.

dear queer girl in the closet,
i want you to have parades and fanfare and marching bands.
i want you to scream our love off mountaintops,
and not be afraid of the echo.

dear my queer girl in the closet,
there are open arms waiting to
greet you, catch you, caress you on the other side.

dear you,
let me help you find the exit.

A/N: Totally not advocating for anyone to come out where it would be harmful to them or before they’re ready. I understand that there’s inherent privilege in being able to come out in a relatively frictionless way. This piece isn’t really dealing with people in general, rather, one person/case specifically. If you are a queer person reading this, just know you are not alone and you are loved. <3 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
49 Reviews


Points: 61
Reviews: 49

Donate
Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:13 am
View Likes
EKK15 says...



Absolutely beautiful. I loved the end stanza!!!!




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 122
Reviews: 42

Donate
Sat Jul 01, 2017 5:46 pm
lolosboing wrote a review...



I loved your poem! It was all over the place and I had basically no idea what was going on, but I could feel where you were going with it and I could tell it had meaning. I like how it is addressed to many people and not just one specific type. Maybe, you could make the poem a little more clear? I do get where you are going, but just barely and it only really gets a little bit more clear near the end. I love the meaning in it and the message you wanted to send to other people out there, but if they can't understand it, then what's the point of it? There isn't much I can say because it is already a very sophisticated, hmm... interesting poem and I like it the way it is, but having just a bit of clarity can't hurt, right? Your poem was great and I can't wait to read more of your writing!

-Lolo




User avatar
230 Reviews


Points: 1224
Reviews: 230

Donate
Fri Jun 30, 2017 3:33 am
View Likes
yellow says...



<3 <3 <3

That's really all I can say to this.




User avatar
760 Reviews


Points: 33596
Reviews: 760

Donate
Thu Jun 29, 2017 2:30 pm
View Likes
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey there,

The first thing I noticed here is that your author's note answered a question I was having towards the end of the poem. Ie - oh dear, this seems kind of pressurising o.o I totally recognise that this is not your intention, which you have explicitly stated, but I think maybe it needs to be clear within the poem as well. I always treat yws works as if they are on the road to publishing, even if that isn't necessarily the case, and I don't think it's a good idea that requires being published with its author's note to not set off alarm bells.

There are a couple of ways I think you could achieve this. 1) Make it clear that it's a specific case. Talk about specific details about that person and why you think she'll be okay if she comes out, that you'll be there for her no matter what and that if she wants to come out, she just has to be brave. 2) Have a darker stanza about how sometimes this isn't possible, lots of metaphors about people strapping her down and locking a cage. That would be really sad, especially after this sort of euphoria you have so far, and I think that could be extremely powerful.

I only have one minor nit-pick:

how does it feel to know you’re seeing shadows dance

Why not just "how does it feel to see shadows dance"? I'm confused about what knowing has to do with it. Can you be unaware of the fact that you are in the closet?

Lastly, I got a bit confused by the terminology, since I most often see queer referring to non-binary gender. But that's a really, really minor nit-pick, since the whole point of the community reclaiming the word queer was to use it how we (I'm non-binary) see fit. Would be interested to hear your thoughts on that, but your use of it makes the flow really catchy, so don't change it.

That's all my criticism, so onto just a few specifics about what I think you did right.

This is probably just personal preference, but I adore your structure. I think it flows brilliantly and feels really romantic. Maybe be careful like that, as in your essay about your perfect girl, that you don't over-romanticise your relationship and put expectations of the picturesque on your partner. But it is really, really enjoyable to read.

Also your imagery is wonderful. Powerful, well-sustained, and not tortured. Good job!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




ExOmelas says...


Oh, ALSO. Can't believe I forgot this. I hope everything works out okay and if you ever need to vent my PM inbox is always open :)





Thanks! <3



User avatar
1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Donate
Thu Jun 29, 2017 2:19 pm
View Likes
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

Hi Becca. You know I'm almost always here to deliver some critique on your poetry, and this'll be no exception. With that, let's delve right in by saying that I enjoyed this quite a bit. There are some small edits that'd make this poem even more amazing, though.

dear queer girl in the closet,
outside bumblebees buzz.
there’s ambrosia to be eaten, there’s nectar to be drunk.


A 'the' in-between 'outside' and 'bumblebees' might be beneficial in the second line since it feels to have ended a little abruptly. I also thought that in this first stanza the word 'drunk' felt a little odd in the third line and finding an alternative might be ideal. Second stanza isn't as strong as the first and expansion there or even just a rewording of the second line might help there since it's not much of a strong point or a weak point either. I have to say that overall in this poem, the repetition is actually pretty effective which is something I might have chastised before about in a different poem, though I found it to be well-executed here!

There's not much of a form to it and still not much of a structure to the repetition, though it's well placed and you've learned it doesn't have to be in every stanza here. I wanted to note that 'dear you' is an awkward line which makes the ending less impactful unfortunately. Working on the wording and the impact of those last lines is important since it's basically the echo or theme of what the whole poem is attempting to say.

The same goes with the stanza before this with 'dear my queer girl in the closet' which is a little less awkward though I think this works better as 'dear queer girl in the closet' again giving more of an effect to the ending which hopefully switches up the repetition still in the next edits. Overall though the favorite stanza of mine here is the third and the sixth. They're both tied since they're so strong in imagery and in emotional weight. The same can be said for the second to last stanza which is a great follow-up to the sixth. There are some problems with wording here and some weak points, though overall this poem is quite strong and a favorite of mine from what I've read from you. Great job on this one. <3

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image

This review courtesy of
Image






Thanks for the review dear :)



User avatar
115 Reviews


Points: 274
Reviews: 115

Donate
Thu Jun 29, 2017 2:02 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



Hello, Fea here to review!

So I'm not much of a poet, but am trying to learn to review poetry because there's so much of it in the Green Room most of the time. Unfortunately the only way to learn is to practice and, being a newb, this probably won't be a very good review, but I hope you'll forgive me :wink:

"dear queer girl in the closet,
outside bumblebees buzz.
there’s ambrosia to be eaten, there’s nectar to be drunk."

I feel like the last line kind of breaks the rhythm a bit; it's kind of long and throws me a bit.

"dear queer girl in the closet,
don’t name your shadows.
name your future children.
name our future children."

Nice job here!

Overall, it's a very well-written poem. I love the point coming across and the metaphors do a good job of illustrating it.

See you around,

Falx





uwu
— soundofmind