Hey alliyah! This is a lot to unpack, but I really want to try and take a stab at it; the writing really just stood out to me and I couldn't not review this.
While I’m not sure if it was intentional, the poem exuded a dreamy feeling, in that the poem almost felt all over the place and imaginative with its writing. By reading it a second time, I could definitely get a cohesive grasp on the overall concept of the poem. I love how you paid attention to details and wrote about little things that made the poem seem more complete! These lines in particular stood out to me:
but i found out a long time ago that bone marrow
runs deeper than fingerprints
i’ll be waves wrapped around and around you
leave these lungs to their own devices,
broken bodies we pretend are only vessels
All of these were specific but were woven into the context of the poem really nicely!
The first time reading this, I interpreted the poem as moving forward/apart (as you did mention in the description) from childhood, memories, and/or a person you were close to, and letting all of those memories go for something better. I feel like a lot of it is about coming to terms with moving on, and towards the end we get a sense of freedom and change. I think it was concluded very well; you set the scene as dreamy at first, then it started to feel like the speaker was hesitant/cautious/knowledgeable of dangers in this "dream state", and towards the end, I felt the speaker began to come to the realization of prioritizing them over this other person. I feel like this poem carries within it a very solid journey, because it feels like throughout the piece the speaker has grown, as the entire tone/mood of the writing becomes more certain and powerful towards the end (perhaps a representation of confidence in oneself/change/decision of moving on).
I liked how you started the poem off with a question, as I think it leads very nicely into the rest of the writing and it prepares the reader for what is to come.
but we can pretend we were lightning,
For me, beginning this line with "but" right after a question was a little strange... I almost feel like it would flow smoother without it (though perhaps I was just stressing the wrong words/reading it wrong).
Another thing that I did struggle with a little was the oversized sweater metaphor — while I thought that it explained the previous line better ["let the facts hang a little loose"], it almost was a little straying from the general mood/descriptions of the poem? I just thought that the switch from that to the imagery of oceans/etc was slightly abrupt. There was consistent imagery of oceans and waves and birds, but I felt it was a little odd starting with a description of a sweater — I feel like it didn’t tie in with the rest of the poem.
Also, I was curious about the perspective change in the third to last stanza. Was there actually another person being described, or was it the speaker from a different POV? I’m left a little intrigued about the intention behind it, as it’s the only part with “she”. I feel like that was the only part where I struggled to understand the entire intention.
Overall, I REALLY enjoyed this, alliyah! I think your use of brackets was very smart (and not too excessive, either)! The ending almost gives me a whimsical feeling — while the reader doesn’t know much about this “different place,” I’m left with my imagination as to what it might be, and I thought that was a very clever way to end it off.
I ended up rambling a lot so I hope this was somewhat helpful/my interpretation was slightly correct haha? I really liked how you explored different themes and told an engrossing story within this poem, and I can't wait to see more of your writing this year!
Points: 7955
Reviews: 109
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