Sinking Softly

Hey Alliyah! I am writing a review because I have to review something from February!

I must say you really good at writing poems though I am not really good at reading them!
But I liked yours. You have thought a lot.

You have written your poem quite unruly. Is that a style? Well, it's not bad. But I think you could have given some punctuations. Like:
"feel like suffocation-
but I am still breathing...
in shallow gasps"

Well, in our country we usually write poem using these punctuations. The writers think this to be a good way to express emotions.

Anyway, good poem, mate.

~Maisha

alliyah! ♥♥♥

So the matter that sticks out to me the most is the use of line breaks at inopportune times, disrupting your flow. I see three paths this could take in publishig:

1. The breaks are ill-received due to being bad for flow, disruptive, etc.
2. The breaks will work because of the feeling of drowning throughout the piece (or should I say motif??)
3. Reminder that author's intentions ultimately don't matter to the mass audience.

I feel that this could benefit from pruning down phrases that are longer and clunky on the tongue (see: some of the first lines of stanzas.) They don't invite into the water theme, which I understand is meant to feel dangerous and harmful, but the ending is about growing up, which is ultimately the strongest and most inviting process (but also the most terrifying) in all our lives.

Your theme comes across loud and clear--there are no guides for growing up or adulting. There is no help, and we're all unprepared. But it's also liberation, and that matter is always swept away by the terrifying current.

So altogether, this is a lovely piece that just needs some sanding down. I love your style and your ability to stay true to it. I love water imagery and want more of it to be honest. Play around with ideas of erosion, hectic tides, etc.

All the best!
Ty

Hey Alliyah!

So, to start off, let me get something off my chest — I hold an appreciation for poems that are straightforward without seeming simplistic, if that makes sense.

And, here, you’ve got a masterpiece. Not only is your poem structured to not distract the reader, but the background made everything better. I’m loving the small-time trend on YWS to incorporate text on images, and I’m glad to see that you’re continuing it! Having something the poet wants you to compare the words of the poem to, specially when describing an action, or a viable apparition, draws the reader in even more than a white page would have. At least I feel drawn in with images.

First off, your point of view in this is intense and drew me in quickly. I’m guessing this is from like a teenager or twenty-something, as that’s when “growing up” occurs. At least it does for me (currently.) Regardless, let’s get to the poem itself.

You have such a great opening stanza due to one simple fact — the easy relatable tone you’ve created in this narrator. I’m not going to assume it’s you speaking or just someone random reflecting on their life, but either way, this idea and feeling connects so well to a teenager or young adult struggling in their life. The last line of the first stanza cements that near-instant relatability I felt towards this poem. Yes, I do feel sometimes that I’m putting on an act of being fine when I’m really, truly not. In the image of drowning, I don’t mean to sound redundant, but you have a good artistic twist to an abstract idea. I don’t know if I can really explain that, but oh well.

Continuing on, I like the mostly reoccurring style of “long sentence, short sentence.” With this way of writing, you do a good job of presenting the narrator as someone just having a conversation, maybe mentally, and discussing about this topic. This makes it even that more relatable for someone to connect with and realize “I feel that way too,” already aforementioned a bunch of times in this review, most likely. Sorry. I’m trying to actually review you, instead of just giving conpliments, but I can’t help it XD. You’re too good!

The second and third stanza have a nice juxtaposition, which I appreciate. One thing I wish you could elaborate on would be how you’re afraid of the water now, but I’ve known realized you reference it in the final stanza, so scratch that. I’d almost say “choking” instead of “suffocation” as you would choke on too much water entering your mouth more so than not getting air, but I’m not sure on the process. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’re more right than me, so good job on that end.

Finally, I think your last stanza does a really good at connecting the ideas from the other parts without sounding too redundant. You have such a succinct style of word choice in this that I can’t realky give you any sort of criticism.

Overall, I really liked this poem and appreciated all of the artistic touches you put into it, including, of course, the background image. Thanks for getting me to write the first review in much too long of a time period. Sorry if this basically just rambling - I’ve been writing this for two days now and was trying to be helpful XD. Good luck with future writing!

Thanks for sharing this very insightful poem about the effect of living on our human consciousness. I like the extended metaphor of comparing it to treading water while we know we are slowly drowning and calling it swimming.

The ironic thing about it is that they keep telling us that the whole drowning or getting gradually nearer to death is completely natural. Therefore, it should be calmly accepted as such. If indeed it were a natural process, then it would not cause dread.

Is it natural for someone to suddenly appear out of nowhere, and plaster an aged face on us that we find unattractiveness? Then why should it be taken calmly just because it happens gradually?

suggestions

The use of "adulthood" in the second stanza would reduce the repetition of the phrase "growing up". "and reaching old age" in the last stanza would reduce the use of the phrase further.

I think this poem explains a lot of people's fears in life. It doe feel like we are drowning because we are so afraid of the future and if we are going to die. I think is is a beautiful poem and I don't really have problems with out.
I think it is a great poem and that everyone should read it.
I hope everyone enjoys this as much as I did.