I remember the first time I told someone why the backs of my arms were bruised.
I was nine.
I blew it off, certain it was normal.
I knew no other normal.
I gave the old “You know” expecting them to know.
They didn’t.
I watched their face twist, tried to place it...
Thought I failed but I could feel their heart sink;
Palpable as smooth leather on my bare skin.
I tried to justify it, to explain I’d been out of line.
I’d spoken without being spoken to...
I was nine.
I remember the first three times I was shuffled into the emergency room.
Ms. Clarke had called the place whose name was comprised of too many letters for me to care.
She placed the word ‘abuse’ in front of me.
I couldn’t tell if her concern was for me
Or if she was concerned she’d be late for dinner plans.
I wonder if they ever knew that their attempt to make it stop only made it worse.
That for weeks I lay on my bathroom floor hoping that the anguish that had become me would seep down my drain.
I was thirteen.
And the first time I saw him cry it broke me.
The constant need to be perfect broke me.
Seeing the facade I’d so meticulously created shatter as he demanded I lift my coat sleeve and show him where I carved my frustrations broke me.
I tried to muster a response
Tried to tell him his expectations killed me but only when I failed to meet them.
That feeling like my best wasn’t good enough was a plague that my mind could never live down,
That thinking my existence was only a blink in time, no more meaningful than a particle of dust in the morning sun, left me empty,
that I am thirteen and already dread the thought of living...
But I was thirteen, and those words, if spoken too loudly, would condemn me to weakness
Because if there was anything I’d learned in this blip of life
It was admitting that you’re not okay only made it more real
And love for myself is something I’d never get to feel.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
This is a very emotional and deeply affecting poem, and I appreciate the style in which you portray this child abuse and how the people who tried to help this child only made it worse and didn't really care. I am going to review this from the standpoint that this is fiction. If it is nonfiction narrative then you have my compassion. If it is fiction, then you had me thinking it was real - which is a good thing to hear for a fiction writer, I suppose.
The punctuation was something that you were concerned about. I understand why you were concerned, but let me tell you it is actually quite good. There are only a few spots here and there that could use commas, but those places are few and far between and are not really to be worried about. I think in the spots where you say that such-and-such things "broke you", could be better clarified, because sometimes I get lost in the sentence and then forget that you are leading up to a "broke me" motif. That's all I think really needs attention. Great job!
Thank you so much! I try not to get into the fiction non fiction aspect for personal reasons, but am glad when I have readers who can connect and have compassion for what%u2019s being portrayed. Thanks so mich!
Hello Rae!
I hope your okay with me calling you that...
Anyway...
This is a pretty good poem!
I can tell there is a story behind this and it has strong emotions.
Its very strong and the message is very touching.
I brought it to my heart.
There is a few punctuation errors you might need, want to fix.
But this is great.
I hope you'll keep writing like this.
Sincerely Anma
Thank you for the review! Punctuation isn%u2019t something I%u2019ve focused on lately as most all of what I%u2019ve worked on lately have been scribbled down I the middle of the night or while I%u2019m at work on whatever I%u2019d availablr. I really appreciate you taking the time to read!
Hello TylynRae ! Zenith here for a review.
Firstly, I would like to say that it was quite a good effort on the concept of child abuse. You have definitely captured the emotions well, the confusion and the gradual acceptance of the child of his/her sufferings as he/she transcended into adulthood.
Well I feel you have used a bit of imagery and tried to make it more metaphorical, but because of some punctuation errors and the drastic change in the length of lines (some of them were too long, you could have definitely separated them through commas and broken into multiple lines), the right effect was not delivered .
Also, I had a little trouble understanding who the "he" was referring to, maybe you could work on that a bit or maybe I'm too stupid. Some of the words could be changed to make it look more poetic and dark. Personally, I try not to repeat the same word more than once because it ruins the charm. Words like "normal" you have repeated in line 3 and 4, "know" twice in line 5. In line 4, "certain" seems a bit off, you can replace it with "certainly" or "certain that". You also started almost every sentence with "I", maybe you could change the voice or order of the sentence to make it not look different, but then again it's not much of an issue.
Overall, I feel it's a great work with just a little need of improvement.
Happy Writing !
Thanks for the input!
Hi, Cyr here to review this piece for you. The first thing I should tell you is that I loved it, well, as much as you can love something that hits you in the chest like a ton of bricks.
You really nailed the emotion here and I applaud you on that. And I also kinda wonder if you need a hug.
The punctuation isn't really my strong suit, but I didn't see anything glaringly wrong with it. Poetry is kind of its own class when it comes to punctuation, so playing fast and loose with the rules is perfectly fine if you feel like it, or if the poem just flows better that way. In my opinion, punctuation serves a similar purpose to syllable counts in poetry in that it helps regulate the flow of the verses. It affects how your poem is read, so if you want a pause, add a comma, period, or something else to dictate the type of pause.
In this work, I believe you did that quite well. You didn't really do anything particularly creative with the punctuation, but, as I said, it's optional. Sort of like you didn't stick to a specific pattern with your syllables.
Anyway, that's all I have for now, goodbye and happy writing!
Thanks so much! I really appreciate the review! I need to get back in the rhythm when it comes to framing and punctuation and I%u2019ve gotten a few comments that it comes off as prose more than poetry. I%u2019ve definitely developed a spoken poetry kind of feel in my work lately where emphasis is heavy in my head and pauses are crucial, trying to formulate putting that on paper
I wish you luck, in that case.