My life in pictures:
I am barefoot, half clothed under the blistering Iowa sun.
Water trough swim team, mud up to my knees, I am the master of my entire universe.
I am all tomboy, a fat lip, dirty fingernails.
Rough and tumble, hay in my hair, the world, as far as I’m allowed to roam without getting grounded, is my playground.
And then I learn loss. I am eight years old. I am the only child mourning, I didn’t have the words to describe that the pain others felt was palpable, that it felt like cinderblocks on my chest, like my breath wasn’t mine to breathe.
And now I don’t want to talk anymore, I sit on my bed, unmade for months, I’m silent and speak only when spoken to. I wear the same hoodie in every photo taken of me that year.
I take apart disposable razors in the shower. My entire existence lives there. I stopped smiling for pictures. Everything is underwater, sounds and emotions muffled and hazy. The only documentation that it ever existed is pale lines on my pale skin.
I am sorry to all the girls I once was, to the body that should’ve been a temple but instead I treated like a tomb. I am sorry to the hearts I trampled, to the expectations that I’ll never have the opportunity to fulfill.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello there TylynRae!
This is Kostia, here to review your poem.
I will start by saying that this had an exceptionally good theme and it was well written. I love the symbolism and the atmosphere. It is discriptive without being too informative. I will however point out one thing that in my opinion would improve your work.
Structure:
Since you put this under the poem section I figured you intended it to be a poem. However your structure here is not poetic at all. The structure of a poem contains stanzas and verses. This is written in the form of prose. I suggest you to alter your structure if you want it to look like a poem. For instance:
"I am all tomboy, a fat lip, dirty fingernails.
Rough and tumble, hay in my hair, the world, as far as I’m allowed to roam without getting grounded, is my playground."
If it was a poem this would be more like:
I am all tomboy
a fat lip, dirty fingernails.
Rough and tumble,
hay in my hair,
the world, as far as I’m allowed
is my playground.
However you would have to change a lot and maybe delete a lot if you want to turn it into a poem's structure. That would be a shame since it is really lovely as it is.
Maybe you should keep it the way it is and put it under the "other" section. It is great prose and would fit in very nicely in a short story or a novel, although it can be just as good standing on its own.
So my only objection on this is the fact that it is not a poem. Other than that it is very well written with good choice of wording, exceptionally emotional and meaningful. Your imagery is also quite strong. The meaning behind it was very touching and I believe many people can relate to it, myself included.
I want to close by saying one last thing about it. It is what I thought once I finnished reading it:
"Well said"
Keep up the good work!
Best regards
Kostia
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here again to have a little talk about your work.
Okay let's start.
So I didn't see anything wrong with this, so I think that's really good, to be honest I can't really tell you that what you are saying is wrong, when it is to your former self. So I'll just leave you a nice comment.
So the first thing I saw that I liked was the name, I thought it was rather interesting, and I'm glad I had a look, because I also write things to my former self. So it is nice seeing someone else do things like this. It make me feel a little better.
I also liked the emotion you put into this work. It made it feel even more real then what it was, I thought the words you chose was really good, out of so many you could have used.
I am also really sorry this happened to you. I do hope things are better now? If not you can always talk to people on YWS.
As you know from one of my last reviews on your works, I really liked it, and I hope i will see more soon. Never stop writing no matter what. I hope you have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.