So maybe I'm stuck there
at the very bottom of everything
with cinderblocks tied to my ankles
and the last gasps of air escaping
to form the last beautiful things I'll ever see.
The bubbles keep floating up,
while I'm way down in the deep.
And maybe I'm lonely
on the outside looking in
with my lips stitched shut
and every word I've ever wanting to say to you
is clinging to my tongue
instead of telling you that I love you.
I break the stitches, but the words never come.
And maybe I can't cry anymore
while I'm alone behind these walls
and every feeling that I've ever wanted to convey to you
is trapped here in my room
instead flowing from me in waves.
I try to cry for just a moment,
but the tears have already fallen.
And maybe it meant more to me
when we were close enough to touch
With my hand on your shoulder,
your lips pressed to my hair
and everything I've ever wanted
is laid out in front of me, but it's just out of reach.
I stretch my fingers, but barely graze your skin.
So maybe I'm stuck here
at the very bottom of everything
with cinderblocks tied to my ankles
and the last gasps of air escaping
to form the last beautiful things I'll ever see.
The bubbles keep floating up,
while I'm way down in the deep.
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138,897 Literary Works • 672,372 Reviews
quite good. It's very...different. I like that. It's not like many other pieces either in style or form and there's an almost lyrical quality to the piece that I really appreciate. I must say the imagery and descriptions are powerful and restrained, though dark and overwhelming they never come across as manipulative or hoaky like alot of poems here.
I felt though that there are points where lines ring on too long, don't quite connect, in fact I have trouble getting a flow going when reading the piece aloud. this is probably my own fault but the commas seperate two seperate moments but they reemain in the same line and it kinda bothers me. The piece felt like a lyrical work and that's what threw me off. This is not a bad thing though, perhaps its just mislabeled.
That said, you did a fantastic job here. Well done!
Mornin’, Ty.
I like this for a number of reasons, mostly being how the imagery of being submerged seems to carry through the entire poem, sometimes even without it being stated. Anyway, I want to give a quick overview on how I think you can make this shine like polished gold.
First off, there are several places where your line breaks feel unnatural. I like to think that a person writes poetry with the idea that they’d be speaking it. That’s where we come through with flow and voice and all this not-really-rhythm-but-it-really-is-rhythm stuff that makes poetry so beautiful and fluid. Even in the first stanza, I think you can doctor up your line breaks and pauses to make your flow much more fluid. Since you rely on the idea of submergence in this piece, your flow needs to be intentional. It can contrast between the smoothness of touching his skin to the panic of being stuck without him. Does that make sense? There are many points that I’d even suggest going against conventional line breaks and playing with your formatting. Check this out:
It looks a lot different, I know, but do you feel the difference in flow? It may just be me. Trash it if you don’t agree, of course. ;)
I think you can get rid of the “and” at the beginning of the next three stanzas. It feels clunky for your flow, though I do it fairly often myself. I should learn this lesson, too. I love your image of your lips stitched shut. Your phrasing of “every word I’ve ever wanted to say to you" I think can be freshened up. What if she wanted to sing to him, paint poetry? Try to freshen these things up. I think you’ll like what you end up with. “Instead of telling you that I love you” doesn’t really work for me, and I think it’s because you’re randomly personifying your words instead of talking about you. Does that make sense?
Stanza three is pretty vague for me, and it needs some fresh breath. Try to mess with it a little and see what kind of magnificence you can ruffle from its neck. Being unable to cry is pretty cliché in poetry these days. Rethink how you can say that she’s beyond sadness.
I love stanza four. Again, play with line breaks.
And that wraps it up. :] I hope this helps a little. Let me know if you have any questions or need anything, okay?
-Lumi
nice poem .. just confused with these lines
I try to cry for just a moment, but the tears have already fallen."i wonder what was ur story behind the poem
I love how you tie the beginning of the poem back at the end with the essential message you wanted to get at.
Hey there. I'm no expert on poetry, but I thought this was excellent. There was a nice sense of balance to it; simile and reality, sorrow and longing, etc.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors, and I thought it flowed well, even with the longer lines.
The 'maybe' repetition was a very nice touch. The whole thing had a very lyrical quality. I really can't find anything to critique.
I really liked it. Keep up the great work!
@snickerdooly, haha, I wrote this without even thinking about format, it just sort of flowed out I guess and I didn't think about the format, so I'll definitely fix that! And I totally agree, that stanza is my favorite too. That phrase came to me the other day and I posted it as my status, and then the next day I wrote a poem with it, haha. Thanks for the review!
Hi! I enjoyed this poem a lot I thought it was really creative and it flowed very nice. But the only thing that I think you should fix is the format of the poem, if you made the lines shorter then I think it would be better and much easier to read.
"So maybe I'm stuck there
at the very bottom of everything
with cinderblocks tied to my ankles and the last gasps of air
escaping to form the last beautiful things I'll ever see.
The bubbles will keep floating up, while I'm way down in the deep."
This stanza was my favorite, the similie about the bubbles was something that I could easily feel and see. Thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly
I really like it! It flows really well and I like the picture it brings of sinking while the bubble float up. It;s really pretty:)
Interesting poem, quite captivating and flows very well
xx
@ Deanie, thanks for the comment =] I'm glad you liked it!
I really love this poem. It is so sweet and cute. I know this isn't a very helpful comment but I really like your poem!
Keep writing