My favorite moment with you is when I’m not actually with you.
It’s weeks with few words spoken
And months since the last time I could see you
and after having very little communication our paths cross
momentarily
and we’re both gone again in an instant.
But later, always later,
You search for me.
And I’m watching you search with the smallest smile on my face.
And I can see my name form on your lips as you ask which general vicinity
I could possibly be in and when you finally have an answer
you catch my eyes.
And in that instant,
I’m made whole.
—
I crave the flash of excitement that crosses your face.
I crave the eye contact you make.
You are the one person that understands my soul.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello TylynRae!
Wow...This is really a great poem, you did really good on it.
I'm going to point out what you maybe should fix on it, then what's really great about it.
So one thing I noticed when reading this poem there seems to be some really long lines. Now I'm not sure if you accidentally forgot to put a period or something like that. But if not you may want to shorten it a little.
For example line one.
"It’s weeks with few words spoken And months since the last time I could see you.
After having very little communication our paths cross momentarily, and we’re both gone again in an instant."
That's what I would have done, I may would have shortened it up a bit to.
If you don't do this at least make sure to put comas, it will help the reader.
Also I'm not really sure on what some of the lines mean.... maybe its just me but just in case maybe read it out loud to yourself and see if it sounds correct.
Now what I really like about it.
This poem is really expressive with the emotions.
The choice of words really flows well also.
You have amazing imagery, and detail.
My favorite part is the last three lines. It really has a mix of all of those things.
You did a really great job.
Hope to read more from you!
And keep up the good work!
Sincerely Anma
First off, this is a great poem. I like the title and the beginning draws me right in - it's the complete opposite of what I would have expected. I also really liked how the ending tied everything together.
Things i would change:
-"and after having very little communication our paths cross": "having very little communication" could be changed to "and after all that time, our paths cross". This makes more sense to me because the two lines preceding the one I'm suggesting you change already say that the two of you don't communicate much.
- "And I can see my name form on your lips as you ask which general vicinity
I could possibly be in and when you finally have an answer": I would change this to "And I can see my name form on your lips as you ask where
I could possibly be, and when you finally have an answer". This sounds better to me because "where" conveys the same message as "which general vicinity" while being more concise at the same time. In my opinion, this would fit more with the mood you're crafting in your poem.
This is just personal preference; you don't have to change these things. This poem is already great and it enjoyed reading it!
I was wondering when someone would read it! Was questioning my title for a minute lol. I really appreciate the advice and would agree! Still trying to figure out how to edit published work on here, once I figure out I%u2019ll definitely make a couple adjustments!
Yeah, I like the simplicity of title, and the only problem someone might find with it is that it doesn't seem to connect to the poem that much, but titles can be changed. (I will say, though, that the title is what prompted me to read your work.) The writing itself is the point here, and like I said, it's really good! Thanks for reading my review!