My worst days were never her worst days.
Mine were spilling coffee on a new shirt,
hers was trying not to split open a vein on a new shirt.
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
Hello there TylynRae
I am Kostia and I will give you a brief review for your work.
I will start by saying that, yes, this is very small, so I don't have much to say. I personally prefer longer poems but I have read short poems that were pretty good. I am afraid this isn't the case here.
Don't take me wrong what you have here is a pretty powerful stanza that could be included in a poem and fit in perfectly. However as it is now it can not possibly be considered a poem.
Moreover I would rephrase the last verse to make it sound less disturbing or build it up to make more sense, because what you have here has one very serious defect: it is inconclusive.
A poem must have themes and this doesn't even have one to beggin with.
My suggestion is: keep what you have, build it up and write a poem around it. If you end up doing so feel free to tag me. I would love to read and review your edited version!
Best regards
Kostia
OOF.
Friend, that hit me hard.
Short and sweet, but it doesn't need to be more than that. Its simplicity speaks for itself, and that's clearly the direction you're going for. There was a stark difference between both people and their interpretations of their worst days. No need to sugar-coat that, no need to cushion it with imagery or anything. Sometimes being blunt is the most you can do to express what you're trying to say.
So I like what you have.
My one singular suggestion would be rephrasing the third line. I feel like it reads a bit clunkier than the other two, so it wasn't as smooth as it could be. Eliminating "trying" and just simply not splitting a vein or resisting to split a vein. Just eliminate a couple syllables really, or lengthen it if that's your intent -- to emphasize its dramatic end. Whichever direction you choose, I'd probably take a look at that last line.
But not much more needs to be added. Its simplicity is key in this piece.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thank you so much for the review!!!