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The thoughts of Day and Night

by TrinityPoeting, AilahEvelynMae


**a collab done by me and AilahEvelynMae

She did night and i did day**

I am day,

my days are full of light.

but that doesn't mean I am happy.

people dance under my sun's sweet rays

but that doesn't mean I want them to.

    I am night

the undesired companion of the day.

my darkness conquers every corner

of the world

and I see all that is unseen.

I wish I were the still black night,

alone with thoughts and darkness.

night can ponder the world we rule

while people sleep under the moons silver rays.

the beautiful day

is what I desire.

but she slips away

faster than the tears on my face.

my opportunities have vanished before they have begun.

My yearning for daylight is as

strong as the suns golden rays

my need to rule night is as

uncontrollable as the moons mystical demeaner

but, as much as I wish,

I never can reach.

as much as I long,

I will never belong.

but the one thing I will steal from the night,

is the right to dream.

the beauty of the sun

will continue to stun me

each and every day

but I now accept my fate.

so close to my dreams

but no more than the imaginations of my heart.


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62 Reviews


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Fri Oct 01, 2021 10:44 pm
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aooborromeo wrote a review...



Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! I haven't reviewed in a while so... now I'm back! Let's get started!

Mood, Tone, Perspective, Themes, and Narrative

First and foremost, this is a very intriguing poem. Themes of darkness and light, night and day, are very versatile and you can go in just about any sort of direction on this. I love this theme of what we are, what we desire, and the acceptance that we can't change ourselves like that. This theme and emotion resonates well with just about anyone. This relatability can truly make a poem or any other form of writing stand out, so kudos to you.

You're individual styles as poets seem to compliment each other. When writing a cohesive piece together, that chemistry and compatibility is super important. I can tell you have a lot of respect for each other from the way they work off each other. However, there are some times that it gets a little confused regarding a set idea and theme. I think with a little more editing and refinement, those nitty gritty details will all fall into place. When working with another artist per say, it can get hard to mesh completely together as one voice. The two of you certainly accomplished that overall, but there is still a bit of a sense of two different poems.

The whole narrative of how the day and night view themselves, each other, and what they desire is beautiful. The tone between night and day and their own opinions on how they want what they can't have, that speaks volumes about human nature. That philosophical aspect is just lovely.

Language, Diction, and Style

There is some utilization of figurative language here. The little imagery and flowery choice of wording adds to the eloquence of the overall mood.

However, there are some points in language that get a tad confusing like here

I am day,

my days are full of light.


This line, I can see what you're trying to say, but it could be worded a bit better. Keep in mind all of these are suggestions. My best advice as a writer is to take everything with a grain of salt. Invoke and appreciate edits and suggestions and for sure try them out, but also stay true to what you think your works needs.

Maybe word this statement like "I am the day, full of light and love." or something like that. Experiment!

That being said I love this!
the beautiful day

is what I desire.

but she slips away

faster than the tears on my face.

my opportunities have vanished before they have begun.



Structure, Flow, and Rhythm

I can see that you wanted to emphasize the differences and distance between night and day by isolating the poems aesthetically. A lot of poets utilize physical imagery to add weight. Here, it works! Just the way it's indented is a tad off, but I think that's not really your fault but how you typed it how it came out. It's a bit of a hassle to fix all of it, but I think you really need too. While I see what you're going for, the messy way it's indented can confuse a reader.

Flow and rhythm to me is what young poets, including myself, struggle with the most. There are a good chunk of lines where the rhythm is a bit off putting, but that's an easy fix. I suggest reading it out loud. Reading a poem out loud helps bring to light some rhythmic issues that you won't notice by simply reading. Don't fret. With some practice, you can master rhythm.

Grammar

The grammar is a bit inconsistent. I'm all for poets forgoing regular punctuation for style, but there the use of commas and periods are inconsistent. I think all of the lines need some form of grammatical structure to enhance the rhythm.

Final Words

Overall, wonderful poem! I loved reading it! A very well done job by the both of you. You seem very talented and mature for thirteen. Keep practicing!

- Via






Thanks for your review!
Your suggestions were very helpful!

Thank your for your time!



aooborromeo says...


You're welcome! You're very talented for your age.



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Fri Oct 01, 2021 2:35 pm
SadboyJay wrote a review...



hey Nicole and Ellie jay here to give you a quick review

lets get started

First Nicole you and Ellie did pretty well with this poem and everything a poem like this was pretty good Nicole you and Ellie put all good effort in to this poem and we proud of y'all all did what was in all thoughts an i also have a good line nicole the beauty of the sun

will continue to stun me

each and every day

but I now accept my fate.

so close to my dreams

but no more than the imaginations of my heart. Nicole this was my good part of the poem that i really such had a good vibe on when i had read it


my compliment Nicole you and Ellie is such a good writer with poetry i hope see new work from the both of y'all soon


how you could of inprove is just keep using your thoughts when you writing poetry cause sometimes poetry will be confused a little bit if you can't think of nothing but yeah some people have thoughts of thinking of some words that goes with that poem


keep writing Nicole and Ellie!!




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Fri Oct 01, 2021 12:29 pm
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AriesBookworm wrote a review...



"I am day,

my days are full of light.

but that doesn't mean I am happy.

people dance under my sun's sweet rays

but that doesn't mean I want them to."

Immediately, we know the main character isn't happy with the role they've been assigned.

"I am night

the undesired companion of the day.

my darkness conquers every corner

of the world

and I see all that is unseen."

The other main character feels rejected by the other. They curse their own existence.

"I wish I were the still black night,

alone with thoughts and darkness.

night can ponder the world we rule

while people sleep under the moons silver rays.

the beautiful day

is what I desire.

but she slips away

faster than the tears on my face.

my opportunities have vanished before they have begun.

My yearning for daylight is as

strong as the suns golden rays

my need to rule night is as

uncontrollable as the moons mystical demeaner"

You misspelled "demeanor" in this sentence. But putting that aside, I love the contrast you put between the two characters. Both hate the roles they have and long to be like the other.



"the beauty of the sun

will continue to stun me

each and every day

but I now accept my fate.

so close to my dreams

but no more than the imaginations of my heart."

In the end, neither is truly happy. All they can is continue their roles. Until the end of eternity.






Thank you for your review! Oop, thanks, i'll fix that typo.:) i'm glad you liked are poem!

Thank you for your time!:)



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Fri Oct 01, 2021 12:03 pm
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FourLeafClover wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to review your poem!

Right from the first stanza, I was in love with your poem. This is awesome because it keeps the audience (in this case, me) captivated, plus it shows that the poem is already freaking incredible, which is awesome. It's really hard to keep me interested in things this long, so the fact that you did means you get major accomplishment points, in my opinion.

Plus, I didn't notice any grammar errors to possibly throw me or anyone else off, which is really good (of course, don't take my word for it because I almost always suck at grammar). When people get thrown off by grammar, they usually don't pay attention to the rest of the story, so it's a good thing your grammar is high quality (as far as I can tell).

I also like how you didn't have all of the stanzas line up. It makes it clear whose point of view each stanza is from, which is always a good thing to know. It also looks really interesting that way, and it made me happy because of how pretty it looks. (Thanks for making me happy. I needed that.)

Now, based on the review style I'm using, I will have to try to find a con. Hang on....
Okay, here we go. I myself don't view this as an issue, but somebody else might? I dunno. Anyway, the way the stanzas are formatted, somebody might be like "Oh crap, did I read that next line right?" due to some of the lines not being in line with others, like that annoying moment when you either reread or skip a line in a book. However, a lot of poems are formatted like this, so if they want to read poetry then I personally think that they'd better learn to suck it up.

Thanks for reading!






Thanks so much for your review!



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Fri Oct 01, 2021 2:46 am
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Phillauthet says...



Hi!
I just had to thank you both for writing such an amazing poem, with the 'grass is always greener on the other side' vibes.






Thank you so much!!



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Fri Oct 01, 2021 2:44 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Nicole and Ailah! :) Hope you are both well, I thought I'd write a quick review for you both in honor of the season ~ of RevMo.

This poem made me smile as it reminded me of my first poem on YWS about the day and night, that I recently dug up -> Two Sides. Writing about day and night definitely gives you a solid imagery base to work from! So let's take a look:

Meaning
I think the day and night could be taken as a contrast for other aspects of life or people who contrast, and I especially liked the theme of the night and day being unreachable "I never can reach / as much as I long / I will never belong" that's definitely a sentiment that I think people can connect to, and fits really with this motif.

I think you could do more with streamlining the poem to have one singular meaning. This is sometimes hard when there are two writers collaborating! But it did feel like the narrators didn't have a single idea they were saying, but rather the poem touched on many different themes of incompatibility? difference? separation? sadness? mental distress? it was difficult to pin down one central theme.

Points of Improvement
I thought that aligning some of it left and then indenting some of it, was good for showing contrast, but it may be more striking if you aligned one side left and one side right. As it is, it's a little meandering rather than rigidly divided into two voices. For instance I didn't know what this section jumped back and forth;
"My yearning for daylight is as
strong as the suns golden rays
my need to rule night is as"

Really bold changes in formatting should go with significant thematic changes, or else it gets a little distracting to the content.

And another area I think you could expand on is using more obviously night and day imagery and personification - if you replaced the speakers with the names "ann" and "jack" rather than "night" and "day" the first stanzas would seem really thematic, but then some of the later ones, almost lose that theme of night/day.

You also use "day" in a few different senses in this poem (in the first and final stanzas) and I think that gets slightly confusing. Sometimes by "day" you mean one 24 hour cycle of time, sometimes you mean the opposite of night - do you see how those are different? I might choose to refer to the second as "morning" or something to help differentiate between the two because the lines "each and every day" and "I am day,
my days are full of light." are a bit confusing.

Highlights
This poem did do some interesting explorations of separation from a different point of view than is typically tackled! One of the really fun aspects of this poem was also your useage of slight sound devices here and there like the repeated "a" sound in the final stanza, and the end rhyme in a few different lines. I thought this elevated the piece a little, and also made it sound nice to read. Definitely a great technique to bring a poem to the next level!

Overall, I liked the theme, but I think you could dig even deeper into the personification and maybe see if you can stream line that formatting a bit to bit a bit more clear.

All the best,

~alliyah






Thaks for you review alliyah!

I see what your saying about the back in fourth alignment. It was ment to be day talking in the right, and night talking in the left, but we'll try to make it more clear.

Thanks so much for your suggestion! We'll try to improve them.

Thank! for your time :)




Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
— Samuel Butler