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Girl on the wire

by Quillfeather


Face pressed against the window

Watching the girl on the wire.

She dances and twirls

She leaps and swings.

Always keeping up with every turn I take.

Even as the years pass,

I always notice the girl on the wire

Moving in rhythm to every song  in my heart.

But soon my mind is so focused on the past,

I no longer see her.

Even as she falls.

And soon I too,

Become a girl on the wire.


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Mon Mar 14, 2022 4:46 am
Coffeeboyjay wrote a review...



Hi Trinity,

First off Trinity my suggestion to this poem is that ok the girl on the wire right i think you should had it where can be a horror poem cause me in my suggestion i think it could be suggested as horror Trinity like one girl in the living room hanged to a wire with fake blood on her neck and the another girl in the basement hanged to a wire with fake body and made so however the two girls can fake it to people that someone hanged them up it's giving me like all the scream movies that i had already watched Trinity.

My Compliment Trinity is that I really had enjoyed your pieces of work that you set your mind straight to I loved it and I'm reading like its a horror poem but actually it's just a regular poem but i'm so glad that i had a chance to read your poem Trinity.

Good Wishes to you on your Writing Trinity! :wink:




Quillfeather says...


Thank you for taking the time to review my work! Um, I wasn't really thinking of the wire of being a nuse? But thanks for the suggestion. I don't really want my poem to be horror. It's not about people being hanged on a wire. It's about change of a person and probably a lot more then that. But I'm open to interpretation. Anyway, Thanks!

Thank for reading!
-Trinity~



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Tue Mar 01, 2022 11:48 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! This poem was easy to read and intriguing in the way that it makes the reader think about the meaning. I feel like there could be several ways of interpreting it, depending on who's reading it. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's kind of like abstract art; every person sees it differently. However, there are some particular things that stand out about this poem. First of all, it has a strong regretful tone toward the end. We get to see the narrator looking back on the past and feeling like something has been lost. Another thing that seems pretty evident in this poem is that the narrator is looking back on her own past. Or maybe observing who reminds her of herself and causes her to reflect. Maybe she feels as if her life is passing insignificantly. Anyway, like I said, it was easy to read, and your writing is good. Thanks for sharing.




Quillfeather says...


Thank you for your review! I really appreciate it! I agree that it has a lot of ways of interpreting it (probably because I didn't have a strong meaning to it when i was writing in) But I think yours is pretty much it! Thank you again!

-Trintiy



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Tue Mar 01, 2022 10:43 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there Trinity!

First Impressions

This was a mysterious and kind of eerie poem. I can’t help but imagine this person looking through a darkened, stained window pane at the silhouette of this girl dancing on a telephone wire. On a first read I think this poem is about something that was fated for the speaker, an ominous warning of a future that maybe they knew about, which is represented symbolically by the girl on the wire. I like the rhythm of the poem, the way the lines are divvied up. Some of the commas seem a little odd to me, though at this point I’m not really sure why.

Subject, Themes and Interpretations

My interpretation of the ‘girl on the wire’ is that she’s the speaker’s previous self, or a vision of her at least. I think the line “my mind is so focused on the past” makes me think this way. Maybe when the speaker focuses so much on her past self that she becomes that past self, she can no longer put the distance of time between them and see that she and the ‘girl on the wire’ are different.

Another way to look at it is maybe that the ‘girl on the wire’ is the speaker of the future. “with every turn” the speaker takes, their future is altered, hence the girl always seems to be dancing. And then that’s why when the speaker is stuck in the past, the girl falls, symbolizing how the speaker’s future is affected negatively.

I think there could also be the theme of heart vs mind here, especially there being the lines:

Moving in rhythm to every song in my heart.
But soon my mind is so focused on the past,

The “but” there seems to contrast the actions of the girl (which follow ‘heart’) and the actions of the speaker (which follow ‘mind).

Language and imagery

The imagery in this poem is kind of minimalistic, focusing on just the figure of this girl and how the speaker watches her. There’s no sense of the world beyond the two figures and the wire. I imagined this taking place from somebody’s house, and that the wire is a telephone wire, as mentioned earlier, but I think someone could imagine a variety of things there.
I liked the image in the first line “face pressed against the window”. The first couple of lines in general caught my attention pretty well. They convey the speaker’s well, not obsession per say but an intense focus on the titular girl. This helps convey that mysterious, suspenseful atmosphere.

A girl dancing on a wire gives me a kind of fantastical sense – it could almost be a scene out of a children’s book, though here it’s given this spooky feeling as well. The repetition of the word “always” kind of makes the girl seem unnatural, and thus, spooky. I wonder what would happen if the two instances of “always” were positioned to make a parallelistic structure.
Speaking of which . . .

Sound and Structure

She dances and twirls
She leaps and swings.

This is what I’d call a parallelistic structure, with the two lines being in the form “She (verb) and (verb)”. I quite like how you used it here. The repetitive feeling in the ‘sentence structure’ sort of builds up the rhythm that is happening in the sounds of the poem. So I’m almost wondering if the two lines:
Always keeping up with every turn I take.
. .
I always notice the girl on the wire

might be interesting to frame as parallels too, for example maybe:
Always keeping up with every turn I take.
. .
Always I notice the girl on the wire

As a side note, if you’re looking to cut down on phrases from the poem, I’m thinking that ‘Even as the years pass’ is a little unnecessary, since the idea that the girl is consistently dancing and the speaker is consistently watching her is carried so nicely just by the word “always”. Just a suggestion though!

Something else that caught my eye was the commas in this piece. Some lines aren’t ended with a comma, for example:
Face pressed against the window
Watching the girl on the wire.

However, other lines are:
And soon I too,
Become a girl on the wire.

I’m not sure if there’s a purpose to that? It looks like it’s mostly when the next line starts with a verb that the comma is left out, so I wonder if that’s to make the action run faster, or if it’s just a decorative thing.


I no longer see her.
Even as she falls.

And soon I too,

Become a girl on the wire.

A lot happens in these last few lines compared to the rest of the poem, and it’s kind of hard to tell what’s really happening. Was the speaker the girl all along? What does it mean to be a girl on the wire? That makes the poem interesting and mysterious, though another effect of it is that it makes interpretation and visualizing what happens harder. So whether this is good or bad depends on what your intention was in writing the poem. Are you hoping to create a kind of riddle, or hoping more to convey a specific narrative clearly?

Overall

This was a really interesting poem Trinity! I think it caught my eye because it seems quite different from other poems I’ve read from you. I like the concept of ‘the girl on the wire’ being this mysterious figure in a ‘story’ that the reader has to piece together for themselves. I also thought you used some nice structural techniques in this poem.
Hope some of this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim




Quillfeather says...


Thanks for your review! It was super helpful! I agree with what you said about needing a bit more discription. Like when writing it I imagined the window being to a car and the reason I said it as "face pressed" is because i wanted to to seem or feel like a child. (Also why I said as the years passed, showing that as the character got older her perspective changed) But I think I want to explain that a bit more in the poem so the point comes across better. Yeah I either need to add or subtract my punctuation XD I am generally bad with commas. I'll probably just take them out but I also really like how the last one works, I don't know... Anyway, Thanks for the Review! I really appreciate it!

Thanks for reading!
-Trinity



Liminality says...


Hey, if you like your last comma, by all means keep it in! I was just noticing some differences in the way the commas were placed, but that's all good if you have a reason for where you placed them :D Oh that thing about the car is really interesting as well!



Quillfeather says...


Thank you<3



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Tue Feb 22, 2022 1:02 pm
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LizzyTyler wrote a review...



Good (insert greeting)!

To start off, I enjoyed your poem! I love the imagery it depicts! One thing I love about poetry is the way people can interpret it, and your poem is a prime example of just that! The way I interpreted it was that the girl on the wire was her and her fluctuating heart and feelings. But as I was reading it, I realized that it could also be interpreted another way. It could be read like the girl on the wire was someone else, someone who also was balancing on life. But soon the narrator forgot about her and the lesson she taught, and the narrator became a girl on a wire. I would love to hear how you meant it to be interpreted!

I love the imagery you bring to the poem! There is only so much, but your poem doesn’t need a ton to get your point across. In particular, I enjoyed the first line. I could practically feel the chilly window against my cheek!

I didn’t see any grammatical errors, so I believe I’ll end my review with that! I hope to see more of your work around soon! Stay safe and keep writing!

-Lizzy




Quillfeather says...


Thanks for your review! I don't have a lot of meaning for the first have, and I like your interpretation! But U think your interpretation of the second half was spot on!

Thanks for readin!
-Trinity



Quillfeather says...


Okay, just read through my response again and realized I said "U think" instead if "I think" and i just wanted to correct that so it doesn't sound rude XD I make to many typos >.<



LizzyTyler says...


That%u2019s fine! I kinda figured lol ;)



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Tue Feb 22, 2022 12:14 am
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illy7896 wrote a review...



Firstly, I really like the way you have linked the theme of the poem together and the repetition of 'I' and 'she' which tethers the connection between the narrator and the girl very well. This poem reminds me of of what it is to express yourself, to grow up and to have the responsibility of yourself and the world as you grow older.

She dances and twirls. She leaps and swings


This phrase here are really good examples of short sentences and I like how you have embedded them within the text.

Moving in rhythm to every song in my heart


This is so poetic! I love this line so much and it also explains the quote:

Always keeping up with every turn I take


Perhaps you could have these two phrases follow after each other to bring more clarity to the audience as of what role the girl on the wire plays, and because they are closely connected ideas in my opinion, they would work well next to each other.

But soon my mind is so focused on the past


Maybe you could add another line underneath here just to back up this line and provide detail or imagery to represent how the narrator is focusing on the past, even a slight action or something that resembles the character's distraction.

And soon I too, Become a girl on the wire


This is a great way to end, especially because the rest of the poem was talking about the narrator's focus on the girl and now she has become her too. Also because it makes me think how the narrator's downfall and distraction caused the girl to fall and to be replaced, again dealing with the struggle of handling and dealing with emotion and time.

Awesome poem!




Quillfeather says...


Thanks for the review! Those are some really helpful suggestions!

Thanks for reading!
-Trintiy



illy7896 says...


No problem



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Mon Feb 21, 2022 12:56 pm
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vampricone6783 says...



I enjoyed reading this poem about a girl on the wire.I have a theory that the girl is the soul of another girl who didn’t focus on the present and you are replacing her.I know it’s based on a dream you had,but it’s my idea of it.What do you think of this? I hope you have a lovely and good day and night.




Quillfeather says...


Hmm...that's close! I don't really no what it means. So I used to have this dream that I was in a car and there would be a girl dancing on the power lines as we went. So I don't really know what it's about *shrug*

Thanks for reading!

-Trinity




A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson