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Prayer to the Goddess- Apex Legends Fan Poem

by ToxicAnglerFish


Now I lay my head down to sleep

I prayed to the lords

My desperate soul to keep

But they didn't listen anyway

For 300 years I weeped

I killed others in heaps

And consequences I did reap

A woman with Midas touch

Shes the golden light

In my broken dark

Holding resentment and hate

One thing we shared together

She too wanted to kill

But it was only one

It was me that was covered

In her parent's blood

But I saw her as the bargain I begged for

So instead of stopping her

I helped her with my own assisted suicide

Partnership between God and the Devil

So as I, a broken ghost

Look into a mirror of a broken past

She shoots it with a final bullet

A blow to a willing head

Now I lay my head down to sleep

My prayer to the lords

Answered by my goddess named Loba

My soul is for hers to keep

I will die before I wake once again

I pray to Loba

For my soul to take

Me and her finally resting at peace.


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850 Reviews


Points: 29748
Reviews: 850

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Wed Aug 05, 2020 2:13 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello! Morrigan here for a quick review!

You have some memorable imagery! "a mirror of a broken past" is my favorite. Galaxygem below touched on the other spot where you show nice imagery. Since this is a first person poem, try adding more senses into the mix of imagery! Where is the narrator right now? Are they at an altar, praying? Are they kneeling? How does the tile feel under their knees? Are they at the side of their bed? Are the blankets rough, soft? What does the setting smell like? I want to go into the narrator's head, and it's much easier when the poet gives the reader clues about what physical space the narrator is in.

I encourage you to check out this resource on the site: Making Meter Easy
It will give you a ton of helpful information! Right now, your meter is all over the place, but I have confidence that you can wrangle it.
Another comment I have regarding the structure of this piece is that your rhyme scheme isn't consistent. Now, this doesn't have to be the case, but I find that poems with a consistent rhyme scheme have a smoother feeling, and are more pleasant to read.

As for grammar, make sure you're adding your apostrophes in the correct places! I also noticed this line:

For 300 years I weeped
"weeped" is not a word, but "wept" is!

I hope that you find this quick review helpful. Happy writing!




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5 Reviews


Points: 206
Reviews: 5

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Sat Aug 01, 2020 8:21 pm
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galaxygem wrote a review...



Heyo! Gem here with a review.

Compliments:

I have never played nor learned anything about Apex legends, but I absolutely LOVED this!

Shes the golden light
In my broken dark


I feel like this line completely shows how this person feels about her, how important she is to them.

And that rhyming, I like it! It always adds a bit of flair to a poem, in this one it adds to the dramatic feel of it, its aesthetic.

Nitpicks:

I can’t really find the rhythm to this poem. I’m probably not looking hard enough, really, but I’m not seeing a rhythm here. I completely understand if this was intentional, but I just feel like a good poem should have some sort of rhythm.

But they didn’t listen anyway


I feel like “But they refused to listen anyway” would work better here. “Didn’t” can seem quite dull and bland at times, while “refused” is fresh and would fit with the theme of your poem.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this one. Keep up the great work!

-✵





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