Now I lay my head down to sleep
I prayed to the lords
My desperate soul to keep
But they didn't listen anyway
For 300 years I weeped
I killed others in heaps
And consequences I did reap
A woman with Midas touch
Shes the golden light
In my broken dark
Holding resentment and hate
One thing we shared together
She too wanted to kill
But it was only one
It was me that was covered
In her parent's blood
But I saw her as the bargain I begged for
So instead of stopping her
I helped her with my own assisted suicide
Partnership between God and the Devil
So as I, a broken ghost
Look into a mirror of a broken past
She shoots it with a final bullet
A blow to a willing head
Now I lay my head down to sleep
My prayer to the lords
Answered by my goddess named Loba
My soul is for hers to keep
I will die before I wake once again
I pray to Loba
For my soul to take
Me and her finally resting at peace.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello! Morrigan here for a quick review!
"weeped" is not a word, but "wept" is!You have some memorable imagery! "a mirror of a broken past" is my favorite. Galaxygem below touched on the other spot where you show nice imagery. Since this is a first person poem, try adding more senses into the mix of imagery! Where is the narrator right now? Are they at an altar, praying? Are they kneeling? How does the tile feel under their knees? Are they at the side of their bed? Are the blankets rough, soft? What does the setting smell like? I want to go into the narrator's head, and it's much easier when the poet gives the reader clues about what physical space the narrator is in.
I encourage you to check out this resource on the site: Making Meter Easy
It will give you a ton of helpful information! Right now, your meter is all over the place, but I have confidence that you can wrangle it.
Another comment I have regarding the structure of this piece is that your rhyme scheme isn't consistent. Now, this doesn't have to be the case, but I find that poems with a consistent rhyme scheme have a smoother feeling, and are more pleasant to read.
As for grammar, make sure you're adding your apostrophes in the correct places! I also noticed this line:
I hope that you find this quick review helpful. Happy writing!
Heyo! Gem here with a review.
Compliments:
I have never played nor learned anything about Apex legends, but I absolutely LOVED this!
I feel like this line completely shows how this person feels about her, how important she is to them.
And that rhyming, I like it! It always adds a bit of flair to a poem, in this one it adds to the dramatic feel of it, its aesthetic.
Nitpicks:
I can’t really find the rhythm to this poem. I’m probably not looking hard enough, really, but I’m not seeing a rhythm here. I completely understand if this was intentional, but I just feel like a good poem should have some sort of rhythm.
I feel like “But they refused to listen anyway” would work better here. “Didn’t” can seem quite dull and bland at times, while “refused” is fresh and would fit with the theme of your poem.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this one. Keep up the great work!
-✵