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I'm a Writer-Poem about loving your passion more then yourself

by ToxicAnglerFish

I'm a writer.

I can find meanings in words
Beauty in stories
Reason in poems
Love in writing
Yet for some reason
I can't find beauty in my days
Reasons in my actions
Meaning in my life
Makes me want to disappear
But I know there is one
Beauty for the small things in days
Reasons for my thinking in actions
Beauty knowing my life could get better
So why do I sit in and mope all day long?
Work and talk like a robot
Do things like I'm automated
I should be a human
A colorful being with a personality
So I try to find beauty
In everything, I do hope I can finally understand
But I don't find
Why do I mope all day
Just another day going by
Hoping one day for the answers I look for

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813 Reviews

Points: 28451
Reviews: 813

Wed Jun 12, 2019 6:48 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...

Heyo ToxicAnglerFish, I'm Morrigan, here to return the favor of leaving a few thoughts on your piece!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

This poem is filled with a lot of big concepts with not a lot of imagery or substance to back them up. This doesn't give me any kind of feeling because it lacks observations by the senses that I might be able to connect to.

What I'd love to see you expand on is this concept:

Work and talk like a robot
Do things like I'm automated

This is a great starting point! Instead of giving us these big abstract words that don't have a a specific image associated with them (beauty, reason, love), illustrate that you feel like a robot and you're trying to break out of it. Make the metaphor a centerpiece of the poem, and use your five senses to bring the reader into the poem. What does a robot feel like when it moves its arm? Does it feel stiff? Can you hear a creak? Or is it well oiled, boring in its efficiency? Can you smell burning electronics as you become more sentient? I love this idea, and I really urge you to rewrite this poem with this image as the focal point.

The problem right now is that I can't connect to anything in the poem that is concrete. It's a monologue that doesn't take me anywhere. It feels more like a diary entry than a poem. But if you elevate it with more poetic elements (metaphor, imagery, symbolism, heck, add a couple stanza breaks in there so it's not just one big block of text), this could be really lovely. I can see that you're passionate about writing. You just need to do a little readjusting so your passion is well spent.

Unlike your other two reviewers, I'm going to add that there is no need to rhyme anything here. Poetry does not have to rhyme, and forcing rhyme into a poem can only hinder it. Since you've started out without a rhyme scheme, I don't think adding one can really help the piece along at all.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! If you have any questions, please let me know! Keep writing, and keep YWSing!

Thank you very much for the review! I really appreciate it since I wanted to improve this poem more due to liking the ideas in it. And for the rhyme part, I do agree. While I do like my poems to rhyme it generally doesn't bother me when they don't since I don't imagine this current poem having one. I only try to add rhyme schemes if I have the vision to see it might sound well.

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105 Reviews

Points: 10668
Reviews: 105

Sun Jun 09, 2019 10:37 am
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silvermoon17 wrote a review...

My friend.. this is amazing (๑>◡<๑)
I still have some things to point out tho.
First of all, the rhyming scheme. Now, I know poems can be irregular, and some poems (great ones, for example Victor Hugo) doesn’t have a regular AABB/ABAB rhyming scheme. Buttttt I still think your poems will improve drastically if you start adding rhymes here and there. My advice would be that you put as much as you can, until rhymes flow smoothly in your poems. Since you don’t seem like a huge fan of rhymes, I’d recommend that whenever you want to make an impression and hit us with your words (usually, you would do that around the end. But that’s maybe only my case.) I’d recommend you to put rhymes. So for some rhymes with for..
Putting them as a rhyme at the end, will definitely increase the potential of your poem. Try that the next time you post.

Thank you for the review!

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126 Reviews

Points: 7275
Reviews: 126

Sun Jun 09, 2019 4:26 am
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xJade wrote a review...

Wesh! This is Professor JadeLotus and I think this poem shines! No, seriously, I think it's pretty hard-hitting and relatable. Maybe check the flow, add stanzas and definitely consider trying a rhyme scheme. The words, though, are colorful and I love how true and clear you make this image. Keep up with your writing. And I hope this helps.

-Professor JadeLotus

Thank you very much for the review!

xJade says...

Glad I could help :)

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll