Lady Berry, A soft lipped, pale-skinned, berry plump in the right spots kind of lady
Has eyes of dark and perfectly ripe berries
Dark brown hair that curls and bounces like her body
Walks like she’s got something good going on
Makes me stare at her like a person to a window shop
Look at Lady Berry. walking down the street, city lights shining on her like she’s in the spotlight
Truly a beauty among the rest of the ladies
She’s got some talent too you know
She can sing and blow kisses like she’s an expert at it
Seen her do it, men and woman, both at the club
She’s a woman of grace and luxury, something society can’t touch
Oh Lady Berry, with how beautiful she is
Oh, how I want her for my own.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,375 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hello, i'm here to review this poem. I liked yow you described Lady Berry with "eyes of dark and perfectly ripe berries" and "dark brown hair that curls and bounces like her body". It feels as if the narrator sees the lady through idyllic glasses and has an infatuation or at least a small crush on her. Lady Berry seems like a woman who enjoy the finer things in life, has the voice of a nightingale and loves being the center of attention. Nothing wrong with that so long as one does not exaggerate. I like how you said "she's got some talent too you know/she can sing and blow kisses like she's an expert at it", it shows admiration for her melodious voice as well as being head over heels for her. "She's a woman of grace and luxury, something society can't touch"...very true. You end up your poem in a longing note, which i think is a nice touch.
Hello ToxicAnglerFish! I'm here to review this very sweet poem.
This is a really lovely poem and a very enjoyable read. I like the simple language and imagery you use throughout.
I've got a couple of small critiques. The first has to do with line length, in that a few of your lines (3 in particular) are much longer than the rest.
I would suggest dividing the above line in half, like so:
Similarly, you could divide this in half:
The bolded "w" should be capitalized, since it's the start of a new sentence.
If you divide this one in half, it might be a bit too short:
So you could just try shortening it by taking a couple of words out, for example:
Or whatever feels right for your style.
That's it for line length - the reason I bring it up, is not because of the flow (which is fine), but because visually, it's not as attractive for the reader when some lines are significantly longer/shorter than the rest. (Of course, short one-word lines can be used for emphasis, but that's not the case in this poem.)
There's also a couple of lines that are a bit awkward, and I'd suggest rephrasing.
This comparison just feels a bit odd and strained. Also, if you keep it as it is, I believe it should be "shop window", not "window shop".
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this? Perhaps you meant to add a "to" after "it" (I think that might make more sense?):
Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem. It's a short and easy read!
I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
Hey!
I quite enjoyed this lil read! Just wanted to provide some things that I picked up (but may or may not be intentional - I'm usually pretty terrible at picking out intentional things...).
Grammatically, soft lipped would make more sense to me if it were hyphenated. If that's intentional, you do you!
Also, the line "Look at Lady Berry. walking down the street, ..." feels like it would be better suited as follows:
Look at Lady Berry. (or a comma, whichever you'd like)
Walking down the street, ...
Lastly, I'm just being picky but:
"She’s got some talent too you know"
She's got some talent too, you know,
Other than that, I think this is a great lil poem (I'm a fan of Lady berry, for sure!). Hope this helps!
- Callie