That One Autumn Night

Me again!

First let me say, wow. This is definitely the best poem I've reviewed by you so far. There's more imagery, rhyme that flows easily without drawing too much attention to itself, more metaphor. What you've done in this poem is exactly the sort of thing I've told you to do with your other poems--so if you need an example you can understand, just look back at this (since your own poem is easier to understand than someone else's).

Some people may say that the third stanza should be cut down to four lines so that it matches the other stanzas, but I think it's fine the way it is in terms of length. Your poems sound almost more like song lyrics, and in songs the verses aren't always the same length; the bridge, for example, is usually longer or shorter than the others. While you may not mean for your poems to be songs, that's how I think of them, so the third stanza just seems kind of like a bridge to me.

I also love the use of the word "crucified" and the following of "Dear God," which may or may not have been intentional (you know--God + crucifixion = New Testament, so it's an allusion even if you didn't intend for it to be).

I'm curious, though--when you switch to "you," does "you" refer to God? Are you speaking to God, or are you speaking to the girl? Because if you're speaking to the girl, I think you should stick with "you" or "she" throughout the entire poem, rather than switching back and forth, whereas if you're speaking to God then I would just make it a bit clearer that this is so.

The only other suggestions I really have for this one, though, do come mostly from the third stanza. Because it's the most vague stanza. For example, what is the "disbelief" the narrator felt (and did he really feel it, or did the "you" just assume he felt it)? Disbelief in God/religion, or disbelief in something else? You don't have to spell it all out for us, but try to at least hint a little more at what you mean.

Well done, you.

Blue

Wow. I totally just gotta say wow. Really amazing poem.

Okay, so first off, the two things that stood out most for me were your rhythm and rhyme. I know, I know, those are like the two classics, but it's true. Both of these things were particularly excellent in this poem. The length is perfect, also, and I couldn't find any typos! Alright, I'll just go all the way through the poem with quotes.

"She used to walk barefoot on the fallen leaves"

Oh my gosh. Amazing word choice right from the start. The rhythm, especially in this first stanza, truly sounds like a song.


"light as a feather, carried by the soft breeze"

I love this imagery. It does such a good job of carrying across the narrator's feelings for the girl, in so few but such eloquent phrases.


"When the sun was gone, she was the only spark
and I was following her footsteps in the dark."

A perfect wrap up to the stanza. It's a,axing that you managed to get across the exact right emotions in such a concise way!

"But tonight, I'll die from torture of my dreams"

This was one line that I didn't like so much. The rhythm just falters a bit; I feel like an extra word or two wouldn't hurt in here. I don't really know why, it just sounds a little off from the flow.


"Dear God, this life you gave me isn't what it seems
Tonight her soul bonds to a hero wannabe,
the thing she never saw in me."

Powerful phrasing here. One thing I might change is the first part of the last line, "the thing she never saw in me". The word 'thing' just sounds a little off with all the other eloquent words. Perhaps you could use a different synonym, like 'trait' or 'quality' that might work in this context...

"You say you never lied
But now my thoughts are crucified"

This may sound weird, but these lines sounded kind of like a rap to me...a good rap, though.

"Dear God, this life I shoudn't waste entirely
You blame me for my disbelief
You thought I never felt the grief
For the life that you made and killed inside me."

I can feel the tension building here, like a climax almost at the end of this stanza. Which fits perfectly with the cooling down, forlornness of the last stanza. The only suggestion is - on the last line, 'killed inside me' may sound a little better as 'killed inside of me', just for flow. But it's still fine like this.

"Her beauty was a meaning of life to me
a piece of art, where someone worked hard"

Tying back to the first stanza, so that we rematch the imagery you created there. Wonderful!

"But for her, I'm just a shadow that passes by,
a blind painter, a toneless bard."

I agree with everyone else that these last two lines are truly magnificent, in rhythm, word choice (especially), and all in all awesomeness. Make sure to not change them one bit.

Anyways, altogether a really great poem! Please do tell me if you post any more poems. I would love to review more of your work.

~Sapi

Beautiful work! *claps*
The imagery in this poem is executed wonderfully. I especially enjoyed the first stanza, because it made me feel as though I were right in that moment.
The last two lines were also very powerful. You know when you're reading something, and there's those few words that make you say, "Wow..."? Those lines made me feel like that. "A blind painter, a toneless bard"...very dexterous use of figurative language throughout the whole poem! *high-fives*
However, I don't quite understand the third stanza. I'm not clear on the meaning behind it or its relevance, but maybe I just need to read it a few more times...
Great job! I love your work!

Wow! I was impressed! Excellent figurative language as well as vocabulary. Your overall emotional execution here was splendid. The ending was what really put me on edge though. My favorite lines were definitely the last two-again, amazing emotional execution. As in all of my reviews though, I would like to offer some constructive criticism. You may want to proof read this once more. As I said before, I most certainly was impressed and look forward to seeing more by you!

Wow. Very nice, I love how you used the words "crucified" and "bard". They aren't used often, and even when they are, it is out of context. I did see a few errors, not major though. The first one is in the second stanza, line three, "Tonight her soul bonds to hero wannabe," I believe that there is a grammatical error there and that between the "to" and "hero" that there should be an "a". Next thing I noticed, you misspelled the word "thoughts" in the third stanza, line two.

Since that is out of the way, I wanted to say that this piece has so much power! I have noticed that more and more writers are starting to have more power in their pieces, but this one is different. It touches into religion, but also rhymes. I really loved the last two lines, it is as relatable as it is beautiful.

I really enjoyed this work, it was simply lovely. I hope to see more work from you, especially if they are as amazing as this one.