Young Writers Society

Hi again!

Okay, so I think you started off really strong (except for a couple points--for example, what was meant by "ambers"?), but the ending--well, it didn't exactly fall apart, but it wasn't as good as the beginning.

What I loved about the beginning was the nature imagery, the strength and importance of the setting and the wistful tone. It is implied that the setting has changed or been lost.

But I feel like somewhere around halfway through the poem, the focus changes from "our time together in the setting, all of which is now gone" to "this is a poem about an ex." Well, not EXACTLY, but it starts to go more that way with very generic lines that could be found in virtually any break-up sort of poem:

"It shouldn't have ended like this.
There was an incredible bond between us."

"As we bonded together, my whole world
sheltered in your eyes."

"and make me feel like I'm not alone."

"will show me a path to you."

"As I write all this down
I feel like this story will never end."

All of those lines are just kind of blah. They're really generic and could apply to any break-up/death/other reason that a person would leave another person, whether voluntary or involuntary. And you don't want that. You want lines that are specific to YOUR narrator/setting/the other person or people making up the "we" early in the poem. You want imagery and metaphor that is so specific and so powerful that we will remember your poem and say, "Oh, yeah, that was a fantastic poem," rather than having only a sort of vague idea about whether or not we've even read it.

So my suggestion would be to get back to the setting, since that seems to be a really important part of whatever relationship is being lamented here. It's what sets the beginning of the poem apart and makes it stronger.

Blue

There were also some tense-change issues, such as these:

1. This is very late! I'm sorry. I had this in my tabs, then moved it to review drafts, but I'm here at last and I hope you've not stopped thinking about this piece, because:

This is so awesome and sad. I have to say that the beginning is way more awesome than the end, but you can always edit it and make both parts equal, so I'm not too worried. Here's what I liked about the beginning:

I really liked the sense of community, of a culture, and a voice speaking for that community as a whole, not an individual member, but someone who knew the entire history. I imagined not one house IN a community, but the entire neighborhood, out to the boundaries, and every living person within that realm.

That would be why I immediately got sad when you switched to "you" and "I". I am kind of encouraged, though, by the fact that there was nothing really specific or individual in the description of the two-person relationship, so it would be really easy, if you wanted to, to change it into a description of all the relationships in this culture that have felt this kind of hurt and breakage. Many, not just one, watch their lover die. That's your story, here, and why you opened with a communal voice. It wasn't a tragedy that hit just ONE person. Not just ONE person fell out of touch with nature or something (as far as I understand), so you don't have to consider an individual relationship either.

Also, though I like the communal voice, at times it gets very blunt and explain-y. Like, think about it. When you're talking about something bad that happened to you, telling someone else that already went through it, you don't really say all the details. You're not like, "Yeah, man, remember how last night at 7:54pm when you were wearing that blue shirt, and I was feeling sad and it was in our house how you spilled the juice?" You're like, "God, that was so terrible and I can't get over it", kind of. Not so vague, obviously, because you ARE trying to communicate to ME (the reader that wasn't there), but don't make it stilted and explanatory. It throws the reader off the scent of the emotion and story.

For an example of this explain-y, look here:

There was an incredible bond between us.

Hi there, Bard. As I promised, I've come to review your lovely poem.

I love your images throughout the poem. They make it feel very personal.

That being said, I think you need to focus more on the relationship in the poem than the setting. The setting is obviously part of the relationship, but I suggest that you introduce the relationship earlier in the poem. There are two whole stanzas before the subject of the poem is introduced (well, the first one does mention it, but not in much detail).

The steps of spirits on ambers and leaves

It shouldn't have ended like this.
There was an incredible bond between us.
Even the trees were whispering our names
to each other, when we were lost.

It ended abruptly, our entwined branches
snapping and tumbling to the earth.
What happened to the trees whispering our names
to each other, when we were lost?

those were the tears of joy.

As we bonded together, my whole world
sheltered in your eyes.

As we bonded, my whole world
was sheltered in your eyes

But now, as you sail on the rivers
of eternity, my shadows began to grow.
The echoes of the wild sing for you
and make me feel like I'm not alone.

As I write all this down
I feel like this story will never end.

Hello there! Nice poem you have here. I hope you find my review helpful!

Pros:
You have managed to establish a very strong tone here, very whimsical, very magical. That can be hard to do sometimes, but you managed it well, making this tone the most powerful thing about your poem. In addition, your imagery is wonderful. It seems carefully written, and the word choice really paints a picture in the reader's mind. Some lines I especially liked:

"The echoes of the wild were silent lullabies.
The steps of spirits on ambers and leaves
were a rhythm of our hearts and nature."

Flows very well, very fluid. This forest is very clearly seen, and has a certain peaceful, majestic quality.

"Even the trees were whispering our names
to each other, when we were lost."

Beautiful, just beautiful. The connection between these two is incredible for just a few lines.

"It never rained here, you said,
those were the tears of joy."

Once again, lovely. In very few words, we see the nature of this person.

And lastly, I loved the ending. The ending is really open to interpretation to the reader, which I really like, yet also puts a hint of hope. Overall, a very well-written poem.

Cons:
There's not too many, but there are a couple things I would like to address. One being, every few lines, you seem to shift. Right after a wonderful bit of imagery, you'll add something that is more straightforward, and I wish you would tweak a bit to fit the rest of your writing. For example:

"The moon was always bright at night."

This is very factual, and I think you could make it more decriptive. This will help the flow, keep a consistent tone to your poem, and make it more unique.

This is really my main complaint. As a whole, it was very enjoyable to read your poem, and the love between these two was strong, but not mushy, which I appreciate. I hope to read more from you soon.

Thanks for sharing!

Keep writing!

-Silver

This is a beautiful poem in every way. I would definantly encourage you to work on it... some parts, like "were a rythym of our hearts and nature" need some shaping. But the whole feel of it is very stirring to the soul, and that's what truly counts.
I especially love this part
"Your sharp ear heard everything,
every move, every wind, every cloud.
It never rained here, you said,
those were the tears of joy."
It evokes so much longing to me... for I have always wanted more than anything to live in nature alongside a beautiful elf maiden like this poem describes.
Thanks for sharing

-Rune