Set your venom free
The things aren't right
Sharp sting, Melanie
Sweet poison of my mind
*
Land on my skin
Bury your secrets deep
Sharp sting, Melanie
Put me to sleep
*
Oh, sing a lullaby
So my life can go blind
Carve it into my skin
You know I won't mind
*
Then hide in my hair
My sweet protagonist
Steal my mind while you're there
I don't want to exist
*
Please sing a lullaby
So my life can go blind
Carve it into my skin
You know I won't mind
*
Land on my skin
Bury your secrets deep
Sharp sting, Melanie
Put me to sleep.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Does this poem have a double meaning? Because two messages are palpable to me here . One is that melanie coli is a metaphor for melancholie. I feel lucky about this one. The second is that melanie coli is a love interest, possibly the cause of your ahnedonia, although ite possible you wouldnt remember a highschool event. It seems to be about existential despair. But what do I really know about you. The poem is simple and effecrive, the paragraphs connected by the use of the frases incorporating the idea of the soothing lullaby and not wanting to exist. This allows for a proper flow. I would suggest that you change "put me asleep" to "put me to sleep" or something of the like, as this is the one grammatical fallcy that I could find. Good writing.
For a moment, I got very excited by the fact that you used the name "Melanie," because I thought I remembered reading that the name "Melanie" means honey or something and your poem uses a bee metaphor (or at least, that's how I took it), but...no. No, I was wrong. I was thinking of "Melissa."
(sheknows.com)
Oh, well.
Anyway, lovely imagery and a bit of a spooky or depressed tone in a poem that otherwise seems something like a love poem. My only issue is the line "the things aren't right." It lacks the imagery, metaphor, and specificity of your other lines, it's dull compared to the rest, and it reads weirdly--I think because you say "the things aren't right," when normally we'd say "things aren't right" or else use "the" but name something specific that isn't right ("the time" or what have you). So fix that up, and I think you've got a solid poem.
Blue
Hey bard! Thewriter13 here to give a review!
Poetry is my specialty, so I'm glad you linked me to this!
Sp first I'll start with nitpicks, then praise, and then what could be worked on.
Nitpicks!
I'm not sure what you mean by "things" here...could you clarify?
This line is the longest in the entire poem. I suggest, in order to keep consistency in rhythm and in line length, to shorten it. Nothing major, only a suggestion
Here you should have "put me to sleep".
Great job, Bard! I really liked the simplicity of this piece!
Though it seemed a tiny bit vague, it was a wonderful read
I liked the repetition, which reminded me of a poem style, though I can't place my finger on it.
Anyway, there's really nothing major to work on.
Just keep consistency.
Keep writing!